Baby X - So What!

About the Toronto couple who named their baby "Storm" and refuse to disclose Storm's gender. http://articles.cnn.com/2011-06-02/opinion/rose.gender_1_gender-specific-girls-and-boys-toronto-parents?_s=PM:OPINION  Nothing new here folks.  Thirty four years ago, those of us who considered ourselves feminists wondered if we should, could do the same with our children.  One friend went so far as to insist that I buy dresses for my baby boy.  Science has come a long way in the 34 years.  We've learned that Baby Storm will very shortly after birth most likely start behaving as a baby of whatever gender he/she is (with a few exceptions).  What is more important than keeping the gender a secret, is presenting all options in toys and play irrespective of the baby's sex. Treating the child's preferences with respect and encouraging exploration without labeling behaviors and expressions as male or female is the way to go. In other words, parents should laud and cultivate the "Free to Be You and Me"  http://www.freetobefoundation.org or this video of the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_26FOHoaC78 attitude.

Regrets (and Not Having Them)

Everyone will at sometime have regrets.  Generally, regrets fall into only two categories: regrets due to inaction and regrets due to acting (often in retrospect, incorrectly).  A recent article in TNW   listed the top 5 regrets that people had on their death bed.  They are as follows: (1) wishing they had lived a life true to oneself rather than trying to live up to expectations of others; (2) wishing they had not worked so hard; (3) wishing they had the courage to express their true feelings; (4) wishing that they had kept up with certain friendships; and (5) wishing they had allowed themselves to be happy.

Of the five, three are regrets due to inaction.  Not being authentic around people and not allowing oneself to genuinely enjoy one's life are truly regrettable omissions. However, these regrets are easily correctable at any stage in life if one has sufficient courage.  It is not even necessary to make up your mind to live an "Edith Piaf" type of life.  What is necessary is to adopt a "What you see is what you get" type of attitude in most human relationships.  If you  undertake direct, sincere communication without the gamesmanship, genuinely expressing your thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs you can cut through much of the posturing and passive/aggressive behavior that leads to insecurity and depression.

A very attractive, popular young women once took me into the cafeteria of her high school.  As we surveyed the social scene at the various tables, she remarked to me that all of the tables would welcome here based upon her looks and popularity, but that none of these other teenagers at the table knew the "real" her and if they did they probably would not like her.  This was a heartbreaking remark.  Because of her youth, she could be forgiven for her inauthenticity and the resulting depression it caused, but what is a twenty-seven year old woman's or a thirty-two year old man's excuse for that same inauthenticity?  Being afraid that people will not like and accept the real person that you are creates many more insecurities than having one or two people reject the "genuine" you that you manifest.  In some ways, putting yourself out there initially, saves you from the pain of rejection at a later time.  You find out who is attracted to the real you.  Those that are not, leave under the "take it, or leave it" approach that you project.  You suffer, perhaps a small hurt at the outset, but you are spared rejection after you drop the facade of your false projections.

Adopting a "what you see is what you get "approach is also very freeing.  You can feel free to pursue  your own happiness, and to permit yourself to express your true emotions.  Other people observe, and are attracted to, the man or woman who knows his or her own mind and puts it out for others to share. It takes bravery to make this simple transformation in your life but the rewards are great.  So eliminate three of the above biggie regrets by daring to be genuine and to tell it like it is.  You won't regret it!

Reinforcement (Both Positive and Negative)

Children, no matter what their age, are usually open to new experiences.  This is especially true when it comes to food.  It is a serious mistake for parents to censor or comment upon a child's dislikes when the child has perhaps rejected a food one time.  I have often observed the food on the way to the child's mouth or even in the child's mouth when the parent comments that "she doesn't like that" and the morsel is immediately rejected.   Other negative parental declarations can  negatively impact the child's opinion of himself.  For example: "He's afraid of dogs!"  "She's shy!"  "She's afraid of heights!", when heard and internalized by the child, all serve to limit the child's experiences rather than to encourage exploration and development of an adventurous attitude.

It is far better to allow the child to genuinely taste something new.  If it is rejected, acceptance of the rejection can be accompanied by an explanation that your tastes change quite a bit and that you expect them to taste something at least five or six times before they form a definite like or dislike.  Also positive parental observations, even if they stretch the current reality, such as "Amy is a good eater." encourage the child to live up to that attribute.

How much better it is to explain to a child that she or he may be afraid of that particular dog because he is big or barking or whatever rather than to categorize one or two experiences with dogs into the conclusion that the child is afraid of all dogs.  If the child does indeed continue to show fear of all dogs, the concerned parent can make sure that the child has a positive experience with a small affectionate dog and build from there.

Fears such as fear of heights can also be tackled in similar fashion.  You can explain to the child that this particular height at this time is a little scary but that as he grows, he probably will not be so afraid.  What not to do is to insist that the child overcome his fear immediately because that may reinforce and cement those feelings.

Encouraging, but not insisting upon new experiences, lets the child know that it is okay to explore and then form his own opinion about something.  He should feel secure knowing that he can reject a taste or an activity without repercussions.  But he should also know that he may be asked to taste something again or to interact with an animal or person again and that he may feel differently the second, third or fifth time around.

It is true that some children are more naturally curious, or timid, or sensitive.  A discerning parent will work with the personality type to make sure the child's world keeps expanding.  The parent knows the best way to introduce new experiences for the child's personality type, but the key is to keep reinforcing the positive.  If you genuinely believe that your children are, or will be good eaters, they will try to live up to that reputation.

If you encourage exploration while providing security, the child will most likely allow its natural curiosity to emerge.  You set the stage and then let your child star in the drama that is his or her own life.

How Big a Deal Is It (or Should It Be)?

Sometimes, after the honeymoon period is over, one of the parties in a relationship will begin to exhibit a trait or habit that really annoys the other person.  It may be a self-involvement thing that does not take the wishes of the other person into consideration.  It may be untidiness, or interrupting, or finishing the other's sentences or any one of a hundred annoyances, large or small.

The first question to be asked is "How big a deal" is the particular annoyance.  If it is an inherent, persistent trait or behavior, it is highly likely that it will not change.  I ascribe to the general maxim of "What you see is what you get" and believe that it is very difficult for adults to modify underlying behavior unless they are strongly motivated to do so.  So if it is a big deal, likely to recur often, and the party who is engaging in this behavior refuses to address and change it,  maybe it is a deal-breaker.


On the other hand, if the behavior does not occur routinely, or if the person is attempting to address it, or if in the scheme of evaluating the suitability of the person as a partner annoyance is not such a big deal, the annoyed partner can decide to just live with it, i.e., tolerate it.  In the end, with the understanding that no one is perfect, only the annoyed person will be able to decide the degree to which the trait, behavior, habit affects the relationship and whether it is a deal-breaker.

To my mind, those traits which involve selfishness, criticism, and jealousy have a far greater potential of being deal-breakers than petty behaviors such as interrupting, not cleaning up, etc, which can all be classified as showing lack of consideration on the offender's part.  However, each person has a threshold of behaviors, traits, attitudes that they cannot tolerate.  The determination as to whether they are deal-breakers must also be balanced against the positive aspects of the other partner and the affection and love that exists in a relationship.  When placed in this perspective, sometimes the annoyances pale in comparison to the positive attributes and benefits of the relationship.  So, before flying off the handle and fighting, take a hard look at the behavior from this perspective, and make your decision.

The Window

There is a window in young lives when most people find "the one" and start building a future together.  There are some, however, who disregard this window altogether.  They do so because they genuinely believe that anything is possible and that they need not worry about the future or because they cannot find anyone who meets all of their criteria, or because they are involved in a romantic-exotic-troubled relationship.  This is especially true for young women who may ignore their "reproductive clocks,"  nesting-/home building instincts,  the drive to mature and establish roots.   The person may be reluctant to abandon an unsuitable partner because they have invested substantial time and emotional capital into the relationship. Even knowing that the relationship will not withstand the vagaries of real commitment, they allow even more time to elapse during the crucial window without abandoning that partner and looking for someone more suitable.

Good things, especially in the self-awareness department, can sometimes come from these exotic romances.  But a young person involved in this type of relationship, which she knows deep-down will prove ultimately  unfullfilling and  unsuccessful, should hedge her bets.  If you are a woman who is fairly certain that you want children, but are not certain that the man you are seeing is the "one," serious consideration should be given to culling and freezing your eggs during your early to mid thirties.

An even better hedge is to forswear exclusivity and to keep dating others-- being honest with the person with whom you are having the exotic relationship. Your honesty about why you do not wish to be exclusive will give you and your partner greater insight as to what your relationship really means and how deep it is.

Rather than hedging, you may simply choose to wait without a partner.  This leaves you available when a suitable candidate does appear.  Clearly one can be concerned about not finding the right person during the window, but being involved with the wrong person throughout the entire window period and /or accumulating lots of emotional baggage during that time, only exacerbates the problem.

You can extend you own "window" by making yourself the most interesting attractive person that you can be and leaving yourself as emotionally free as possible.  Being involved with a person who is not going to end up the "one" when you have made a serious investment narrows opportunity and leaves you depleted for acting when someone with true potential arrives.  So, don't dawdle forever when it is apparent that the relationship is not going where you want it to go.  Hedge your bets if you can, or better yet, improve prospects by staying relatively free to respond when someone with genuine potential appears.

Pointing Out the Positive

We do not hesitate to reinforce positive actions when we observe them in children.  This is "good job"/"way to go"- type praise.  However, praise or just plain appreciation is not given to our partners when they have been particularly helpful or considerate.  Merely acknowledging that their assistance during a time of stress or their actions in facilitating something that is important to you have not gone unnoticed goes a long way in building a relationship.  When we are in a pattern where we are quick to criticize our partners, orally communicating our gratefulness for thoughtful actions is even more important.  So, take the time to tell your partner that her/his little thoughtful act has been noticed and appreciated.  It can only enhance how you both feel about each other.

The Plan

 People do not appear to agree about having a "Plan."  While some people have their life goals carefully mapped out and follow the general instructions to accomplish these goals strictly, the vast majority of us live from day to day or minute to minute.  Neither way achieves optimum results.

Other than the elderly, who in many senses are forced to live day to day, it is a very good idea for the rest of us to have a "Plan."  This can easily be achieved by relaxing and trying to envision where you want to be five years from the present.  Letting your imagination take you to the optimum situation five years out provides an excellent starting point in relieving the stress that indecision can bring.  Once  you can formulate your goals, you can then map a path to achieving them.

The map should, however, be flexible and allow for many detours because what happens randomly in life is often interesting and worth pursuing.  There may even come a time when the goal and the map to to the goal change rather dramatically.  The point is that most of us should have tangible goals and develop life strategies for accomplishing them.  Even if the goals change radically in the course of pursuing a desired objective, you will be in a more interesting space/place and probably have acquired useful insights into yourself and your desires in the process.  More about the "Plan" later.