Putting Your Best Self Forward

In dating, especially when using on-line dating forums, there is a tendency on the part of prospective partners to disclose too much about themselves too soon in the dating process.  People do this in hopes of impressing their potential partner, or to get the negative "stuff" (possible deal breakers) out there right away, or to simply let the prospective partner see their "authentic" self in hopes of longed for acceptance.  In the case of women, in particular, but also men, this is a losing strategy. Revealing too much too soon robs you of "mystery" and there has to be some mystery for romance to bloom.  Showing too much excitement about the other person can easily be misinterpreted as neediness in the first four or five dating encounters.  Answering inquiries truthfully while highlighting the positives, remaining light, playful, and slightly aloof is by far a better strategy until the potential partner gets to know you better and wants to uncover the next layer to find a deeper, more genuine you.  Better to leave the person wanting to get to know more about you for the first half dozen-dates or encounters.

Taking things slowly and optimistically by presenting a carefully cultivated nonchalance that one may not genuinely feel, i.e., playing slightly hard to get, is age old advice from the old 1950's neighborhood coffee klatch, but it WORKS!

So don't list your accomplishments (they can Google your for that info).  Don't roll out a list of negatives, like informing the person of any health problems, poor family relationships, etc.  Simply enjoy the person and evaluate whether you have enough in common to continue seeing him or her.  After a month or two, when the person has gotten to know you a bit better, these conversations will arise naturally in response to inquiries from the other person and explanations will not have such a serious impact as they would earlier in the relationship.

So cultivate a little mystery and hold something of yourself back initially.  It will benefit you in the long run.

Familial Expectations and How to Deal with Them

The role of family in the development of the person can never be underestimated.  Who the family is, how strong the interpersonal relationships are (be they positive or negative), the reputation of the family, how it functions or fails to function, and who controls the interactions will all impact on an individual member.  Culture also contributes to the familial expectations and attitudes of the family as a group, along with those of the individual members of the family. People from different cultures would do well to understand the underlying differences in perspective and world view when they consider marrying into a family with a different view of exactly who is included in the immediate family. There may also be a different view of the extent of filial and extended family obligations, financial support, child care, etc.  Aunt Josie's husband, who came from a very American individual nuclear family situation, spent many years attempting to understand and fit into her close extended Italian-American family.

What one's role in the family is, who should be included in the immediate family, and how one should behave with various family members may differ from family to family (and culture to culture) depending on who is marrying into which family.  Starting with the wedding, preceding through the birth of the first child, and continuing into taking care of elderly family members and children, family expectations may range from the total inclusion of grandparents, great aunts and uncles, first, second, and third cousins to inclusion of just the nuclear unit of husband-wife-children.  Aunt Josie strongly disagrees with the advice of most self help columnists which put the couple and their needs first.

This may work for those who hail from a White Anglo-Saxon cultural heritage who grew up in the "Leave it to Beaver" type of family where the nuclear family is considered the primary family, because the parents of the couple will see and respect the formation of the new family unit.  It may, however,  fail with many families from cultures where the extended family is viewed as primary.  Hispanic American families and those from certain Asian, African and Mediterranean cultures may view the success and prosperity of the extended family as more important than the achievement and happiness of any small nuclear unit within the family.  That is why refusing to "lend" money to a needy member of the extended family, not allowing a grandparent or great aunt opportunity to "babysit" or engage in frequent childcare, or always subordinating the desires of the mother/grandmother to those of the wife in an extended family can have serious repercussions and effects upon the ultimate happiness of those in the nuclear unit.  These is especially the case if they are constantly butting up against, and not living up to, the cultural expectations of those in the extended family.

Aunt Josie is not saying that the cultural expectations of the extended family should always prevail.  Rather, she says that the newest members of such a family will do much better in the long run to learn what the cultural expectations are, to decide where and when they can accommodate them and to explain to and communicate with the members of the family when this is not possible.  You will save yourself lots of heartache and family strife if you take the needs of the extended family into consideration.

Thankfulness

Aunt Josie has been musing about gratitude and thankfulness this last week.  She was intrigued by the article in the Tuesday Science section of the New York Times yesterday suggesting that those who feel grateful remain in better health and get more sleep than those who don't.  While Aunt Josie hopes that this is the case, the real benefit of taking stock of all the things for which you are grateful is that it changes your perspective on yourself and your life.  For most of us, we are in highly privileged positions of having a home to go to and regular meals that we can count on, not to mention the myriad of material gadgets which we have been able to purchase to make our lives easier and more enjoyable. Many people throughout the world are not anywhere near as lucky. Stepping back and becoming acutely aware of life's blessings, especially wonderful friends and family, can only enrich your perspective about what is important in your life. The happiness that results from simple appreciation of one's satisfying relationships lingers far past the remembrance and marking of those relationships.  There really is something to the "counting your blessings" advice.  So, enjoy tomorrow and take a moment to remember all of the things for which you can be thankful.

Having It All

So many young people find their lives to be disjointed and stressful because they are laboring under the incorrect assumption that they can "do it all" and "have it all" at any given time in their life.  You can have it all but only sequentially.  There is a time for emphasis on education, a time for emphasis on career-building, and a time for emphasis on family and personal relationships.  While these times may overlap slightly, trying to keep all of these balls in the air at the same time results in stressed out, exhausted people who do nothing very well in any of those spheres.  So, accept that you may be entering a period where one aspect of your life demands the major part of your time and energy.  Defer on other important aspirations until you can devote more attention to them.  Failure to realize that one is not super-human will result in half-assed attempts to accomplish what you desire and lead you to view your self as less than successful.  It is a recipe for discontent and unhappiness rather than personal fulfillment.

The Total Package (and Why It Must Be Considered)

In one of Aunt Josie's last posts she talked about not counting someone out using dumb criteria for exclusion.  In this post, I want to talk about how important it is to consider intrinsic qualities that exist in a potential partner.  If such important positive qualities like kindness, consideration, selflessness, intelligence, initiative, (you name what is really important to you) are not evident to you after three or four dates, do not waste your time.  Move on.

Conversely, if you see various negative traits which appear routinely or excessively within the short period of time that you are getting to know the person, such as volatile, highly critical, selfish, lazy, etc.,  again don't waste your time.  Move on.  You cannot change the intrinsic character of a person.  Many a person has learned that to their detriment after having invested time, emotional energy, and resources.  Look at the total package, give the other person a fair amount of time so that your and your evaluation is accurate.  Then allow yourself to pursue or pass on the relationship based on real criteria and not arbitrary reasons concocted in some dream world.

Dealing with Tragedy

Aunt Josie has had an inquiry about a very tragic situation.  A young mother, in a hurry to take her child to preschool, inadvertently ran through a stop sign.  She collided with another car.  The driver, a mother of two teenagers, died.  The young mother is now seriously depressed and does not know what she can/should do.  A family member contacted Aunt Josie on behalf of the young mother with a request for advice.

Aunt Josie believes that it is important for the young mother to write a letter to the dead woman's family acknowledging her culpability in the accident, and apologizing without qualification.  She needs to say how sorry she is in a direct and sincere manner.  Notwithstanding that nothing she can say or do will truly mitigate the loss of the mother of the teens, simply telling the truth and expressing her sorrow for the inadvertent act will go a long way.  The dead woman's family will benefit from receiving/hearing the unadorned truth.

A brief consultation with another member of the coffee klatsch brought an important suggestion.  Aunt Kathi felt that it was important for the young mother to "honor" the other woman's life in some way.  She thought that contacting the dead woman's daughters and finding out what she loved or was interested in might be useful.  The young mother might then set up a charity or scholarship or memorial in the woman's name which could honor the woman's life.  Aunt Josie thinks that this is a good idea as it will help to dispel feelings of impotence that the young mother may be experiencing as a result of the accident.

Then the difficult work for the young mother really has to begin.  She needs to get treatment for her own depression and grief so that her own children are not victims of the accident as well.  This work may take the form of writing something that is not sent to anyone wherein the young mother addresses all of her feelings about the accident and just lets her emotions out.  This is a situation where good counseling/psychiatric care is imperative.

Also, no one should expect the young mother's emotional status to change dramatically, immediately.  Time will help her deal with the trauma.  Being good to herself and her own family will also help in the healing.  As this is a virtual coffee klatsch, I am asking my readers what they suggest.  Please post any helpful ideas in the comments section.

The List (and Why It Does Not Work)

So many single men and women have a list of attributes which they demand be present in any potential partner who they are evaluating as serious romantic material.  The attributes can be physical, i.e "he must be over 6 feet tall" or "she must enjoy extreme adventure sports," or emotional, e.g., "he can't be nerdy," "she can't be too demanding." The person being considered may also raise deal-breaker red flags like "he owns a cat" or "she does not shave her legs."  In the very early stages of getting to know a potential mate, the prospect's failure to meet one of the criteria or his or her possession of even one red flag results in their elimination from serious consideration as a romantic partner.

What a waste this is!  Allowing a potential partner the time to reveal themselves as a full person to you with all their warts and wonderful attributes allows people to make realistic decisions over a realistic period of time.  The person who automatically scratches and eliminates based on one or two criteria that they have developed for their "dream mate" potentially loses out on forming a relationship with a very real person who could make him or her happy. 

When she was young Aunt Josie herself often remarked that she would never date a bartender because they got too much romantic action from other women.  Guess what, her husband of over 37 years was a bartender when she met him. 

Giving up height/weight/physical attribute requirements (but nevertheless retaining sexual attraction/compatibility), and surrendering emotional criteria like too bossy, too quiet (while considering intrinsic qualities like kindness and intelligence along with overall interactions between the two of you as a couple) will insure that you do not pass on "the One."  Obviously, the whole package must be considered, but it should be considered over four/five/or six encounters where both parties give the other the opportunity to reveal themselves more fully without intense pressure.  You never know what you might pass on if you never give the other person the chance to get to know you and to allow you to get know them.