Making Concessions and Maintaining the Family

A young mother of two posed the following problem for Aunt Josie and her friends to consider: 

Her mother, a widow of approximately five years, had been a very involved grandmother to the young mother's two children.  The young mother's sister, who was also expecting, anticipated that this would be the case with her children.

Then Grandmother met a man and became romantically involved.   She gave this new relationship top priority and advised both daughters that the new relationship came first.  Neither daughter likes Grandmother's new guy.  Grandmother has ceased lavishing attention on any grandchildren and is wrapped up in the new romance.  In the young mother's view, Grandmother has opted out of grand-parenting. She does not visit often.  When the young mother attempted to visit Grandmother, the significant other was there at all times and very little attention was paid ( in the young mother's opinion) to the grandchildren.  The young mother and her sister are despondent about the state of things and request advice.

Aunt Josie can see both sides of this situation.  She believes that Grandmother is entitled to a separate, and yes, exciting romantic relationship that will in fact have implications as to the amount of time devoted to the grandchildren.  The best strategy for young mother and her sister is to realize that the new guy is important to their mother, accept him, and integrate him into their family as best they can.  If they love and care about their mother, they will accept her partner notwithstanding qualms or reservations about him, unless they are well-founded with some factual basis behind them. 

Once this has been accomplished, young mother and her sister, should meet with their mother either by themselves or with the assistance of a therapist to have a frank discussion about their disappointment with the quantity and quality of time that she is spending with the grandchildren.  They should point out how much they love her and thank her for what she has already contributed in the care and raising of young mother's children.  However, the primary thrust of this conversation should be the fact that children are only young for a very short time and missed opportunities in bonding with them and establishing a relationship cannot easily be recovered at a later date.  They can ask Grandmother to set aside some special time with each grandchild, or set of grandchildren, and explain how important this is to them and their children.

Having said all of this, Aunt Josie also advises the young mother who requested the advice to remember two other important emotional dictums.  First, you cannot compel someone to love your children, but you can continue to set the stage for inclusion and involvement by your mother, if you can deal with and contain your disappointment when it does not proceed as you hope it will.  Second, if you genuinely make attempts to include Grandmother's guy and continue to offer opportunities for inter-action with your children, at some point, Grandmother just might "get it!"

I throw this problem open to comment from the other members of Aunt Josie's virtual coffee klatsch.