Dealing with Tragedy

Aunt Josie has had an inquiry about a very tragic situation.  A young mother, in a hurry to take her child to preschool, inadvertently ran through a stop sign.  She collided with another car.  The driver, a mother of two teenagers, died.  The young mother is now seriously depressed and does not know what she can/should do.  A family member contacted Aunt Josie on behalf of the young mother with a request for advice.

Aunt Josie believes that it is important for the young mother to write a letter to the dead woman's family acknowledging her culpability in the accident, and apologizing without qualification.  She needs to say how sorry she is in a direct and sincere manner.  Notwithstanding that nothing she can say or do will truly mitigate the loss of the mother of the teens, simply telling the truth and expressing her sorrow for the inadvertent act will go a long way.  The dead woman's family will benefit from receiving/hearing the unadorned truth.

A brief consultation with another member of the coffee klatsch brought an important suggestion.  Aunt Kathi felt that it was important for the young mother to "honor" the other woman's life in some way.  She thought that contacting the dead woman's daughters and finding out what she loved or was interested in might be useful.  The young mother might then set up a charity or scholarship or memorial in the woman's name which could honor the woman's life.  Aunt Josie thinks that this is a good idea as it will help to dispel feelings of impotence that the young mother may be experiencing as a result of the accident.

Then the difficult work for the young mother really has to begin.  She needs to get treatment for her own depression and grief so that her own children are not victims of the accident as well.  This work may take the form of writing something that is not sent to anyone wherein the young mother addresses all of her feelings about the accident and just lets her emotions out.  This is a situation where good counseling/psychiatric care is imperative.

Also, no one should expect the young mother's emotional status to change dramatically, immediately.  Time will help her deal with the trauma.  Being good to herself and her own family will also help in the healing.  As this is a virtual coffee klatsch, I am asking my readers what they suggest.  Please post any helpful ideas in the comments section.

The List (and Why It Does Not Work)

So many single men and women have a list of attributes which they demand be present in any potential partner who they are evaluating as serious romantic material.  The attributes can be physical, i.e "he must be over 6 feet tall" or "she must enjoy extreme adventure sports," or emotional, e.g., "he can't be nerdy," "she can't be too demanding." The person being considered may also raise deal-breaker red flags like "he owns a cat" or "she does not shave her legs."  In the very early stages of getting to know a potential mate, the prospect's failure to meet one of the criteria or his or her possession of even one red flag results in their elimination from serious consideration as a romantic partner.

What a waste this is!  Allowing a potential partner the time to reveal themselves as a full person to you with all their warts and wonderful attributes allows people to make realistic decisions over a realistic period of time.  The person who automatically scratches and eliminates based on one or two criteria that they have developed for their "dream mate" potentially loses out on forming a relationship with a very real person who could make him or her happy. 

When she was young Aunt Josie herself often remarked that she would never date a bartender because they got too much romantic action from other women.  Guess what, her husband of over 37 years was a bartender when she met him. 

Giving up height/weight/physical attribute requirements (but nevertheless retaining sexual attraction/compatibility), and surrendering emotional criteria like too bossy, too quiet (while considering intrinsic qualities like kindness and intelligence along with overall interactions between the two of you as a couple) will insure that you do not pass on "the One."  Obviously, the whole package must be considered, but it should be considered over four/five/or six encounters where both parties give the other the opportunity to reveal themselves more fully without intense pressure.  You never know what you might pass on if you never give the other person the chance to get to know you and to allow you to get know them.

Dependence versus Independence

There is a dance in which children and their parents participate where children exhibit dependent and independent behaviors as they grow.  It is challenging to know how to deal with the child from moment to moment and when to foster one type of behavior over another.  For example, when it comes to safety issues for young children, encouraging reliance on parental judgment is a good thing.  However, when it comes to peer interactions, the opposite holds true.

It is important to understand that as your child grows, he or she will often exhibit both types of behaviors, sometimes at the same time.  This is especially true during toddlerhood and the teenage years.  Don't be too quick to reinforce either behavior prior to analyzing what is most beneficial to the child at that stage.  However, generally speaking, it is better to err on the side of encouraging independence as the child matures.  The toddler who does not want to leave mom and join in the play with the other three year olds should be encouraged to engage in play.  The high school student who is afraid to take his driving test for fear of failure or because he or she does not feel quite comfortable in driving around town should be encouraged to acquire his or her license.  In both instances, it may be easier for the parent to simply defer and permit the child to follow his natural inclination to hold back.  But is it healthy for the child's overall development?  You may have to remind the child that he or she needs to make decisions by and for himself because you will not always be around.  You may even want to limit your assistance in the thinking process.  Figure out what is best for the long-term development of the child, keeping in mind that the the goal is a happy, healthy, resilient adult.

Being (Staying) Single

The Atlantic had a new article about the economy and changing societal mores resulting in women being more economically independent, but having less marriageable men from which to choose.  According to this article, men have greater power in social relationships and fewer are making the decision to enter committed relationships.  This has appeared to be the case based upon Aunt Josie's informal observations also.  The hook-up culture and some men's unwillingness to "commit," given the excess number of attractive single women within their age demographic, is just a modern version of "why buy the cow when the milk is so cheap!" Also fueling this status of thirty-something singledom is the rejection of and refusal on the part of some women in their late twenties and early thirties to consider any potential partner who is not "perfect".  Holding out for a man who will meet all of one's specifications (some being quite arbitrary, e.g., he must be a bicyclist,) also contributes to this unfortunate dynamic.

What should a late thirties single do in the hopes of meeting the one.  First off, live your live.  Don't put off things you want to have or accomplish until you meet someone.  Second, shed the scent of desperation.  Potential partners can smell it a mile away and steer clear!  Don't look for Mr. or Ms. Perfect!  Keep an open mind and allow your relationships to develop in a relaxed natural environment.  Don't reveal too much about yourself too soon.  Potential mates enjoy an aura of mystery and learning slowly about each other.  Be wary of total infatuation.  While sexual chemistry and feeling loved is important, going too fast only to see the relationship crash and burn wastes valuable time as well as emotional resources.

Hold out for someone good.  As my grandmother often said, "Don't throw pearls to swine," meaning place a high value on yourself and don't waste yourself on someone who obviously does not value you.  Let your higher thinking dictate your behavior when you intellectually know that "he's just not that into you."  Don't be afraid to pass and move on.

 Finally, realize that being single has many advantages.  Your time, your resources and your affections are yours to do as you please.  Being trapped in a bad relationship is far worse than finding oneself alone.

Building Your Own Happiness

Both happiness and sadness are emotions with ripple effects!  It is very possible to grasp and build on small pleasures and positive experiences which will often multiply.  This is also the case with sadness and sorrow.  Experiencing something negative and then magnifying it by focusing on it and kvetching about it only serves to make one more discontent and unhappy.

What is not well known or discussed often is attempting to build one's happiness on the misery of others.  Being a party to breaking up a relationship, focusing on yourself to the detriment of others in your family whether it is about expending resources or seeking your own pleasure, or ignoring the emotional needs of those for whom you are responsible for whatever reason, ultimately never results in true happiness.  The negative impact on loved ones will result in guilt if one is sensitive to their feelings and resentment if the person trying to do the building is obtuse to the emotional havoc that he or she is creating.

It just won't work to build your happiness when it is rooted in the misery of others.  So try to take a long view, recognizing the emotional needs of those nearest and dearest to you as you look to magnify or enhance the small happinesses and positive outcomes that you generate.  Starting with a focus on your successes and small pleasures which do not have negative impacts on others will ultimately lead to a grateful, contented, happy personal life for you.