Anyone who has observed a toddler of two understands the innate self-centeredness that is part of the developmental picture at this age. There are, however, also glimmers of true selflessness in the child of that age. The 17-month old offering you a morsel of his food or wanting you to take a toy with which he is playing demonstrates that very young children are capable of empathy. There is, among the psychologists, some disagreement as to whether empathy is inherent or a skill to be learned. In any case, it is a trait to be fostered and nourished as early as practicable with the child. Two years of age is not too early to try to get the child to see things from another person's perspective. "How would you feel if Tony had the ball and would not let you play with it?" "You hurt Mommy when you bit her! How would you feel if Mommy bit you?" are simple comments that you can make to try to get the child to see the other person's position.
If you keep pushing the child to put herself in the other person's place from age 2 up, she will eventually automatically take the other person's view into consideration in her behavior. At nine or ten years of age, she will be able to understand where the teacher and other authority figures are coming from. By 11 or 12 years of age, she will have the ability to analyze every situation from other points of view. Why, you ask, should your child need to have this skill? How necessary is it in a society that values the individual and individual achievement over collectivism, working together, and group accomplishment.?
The answer is two-fold. Without empathy, children continue to believe that the world revolves around them and turn into selfish, self-centered, little tyrants. With empathy (the true ability to identify with the other person), they learn to share, to address the needs of others, and to feel genuine connections with others. And the decisions they make as a result are made in a deeper and more substantive context with a stronger sense of consequence.
From a pragmatic point of view, you will need every shred of empathy that you have nourished in your child to survive the teen-age years. Not seeing the big picture and being focused on self is a natural part of being a teenager. When your child asks for permission to do something or for a privilege, rather than responding immediately, it is prudent to turn the question back onto them. You could say something like "let's not talk about this now. I will think if I was a 16 year old boy (14 year old girl) why this would be important to me. You, however, must try to put yourself in my place, and tell me if you were the mother (or father) whether you would really permit me do to such and such. Let's talk in a hour." Initially, the teen will start out arguing that he or she would indeed grant permission if they were the parent. However, if you employ this technique consistently forcing the child to look at things from your point of view, you will have better luck getting him or her to accede to your ultimate decision. Furthermore, as young adults, they will be able to put themselves in the customer's shoes, the employer's shoes, the boyfriend or girlfriend's shoes, etc. as they attempt to function in the complexities presented by the real world away from parental protection.
The real reward for fostering and encouraging empathy in your child is really simple. They will develop into caring people. You will hear that you have the nicest children. To my mind, this is just about the greatest compliment of all.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Hard Talk
To succeed in a long-term caring committed relationship, both parties need to develop the ability to say very difficult (sometimes insulting and downright emotionally damaging ) things to the each other. These things need to be said in a way that the receiving party can hear, understand, and ultimately act upon the information without taking such offense that the message is blocked out. This skill cannot develop early in the relationship because it has the potential of destroying fledgling relationships.
However, at some point, in every relationship, one party must tell the other a hurtful truth, even if it has the potential of creating a large rift in the relationship. The party receiving this comment must develop the ability to "hear" what the person venturing the information is saying, to downplay the "hurtfulness of it" and to act upon the information received.
An example of this is the husband who tells his wife after she has given birth, that she is too heavy and that he does not feel sexually attracted to her at her post-pregnancy weight. Communicating this information to one's partner after she has been through the travails of pregnancy and while she is exhausted from taking care of a new child seems cold and heartless. However, I take the position that it is a courageous act on the husband's part, especially in light of what can develop if he remains silent and does not share his true feelings. By not communicating how he feels, perhaps out of love or being even ashamed to even have this feeling, he runs the risk of letting his sexual love and affection for his wife dissipate because of her weight while not even telling her (and presumably giving her the chance to address the situation).
Conversely, the wife in that scenario, (rather than being hurt, outraged, upset) had to develop the ability to genuinely "hear" what her husband was trying to tell her, so that she could act to preserve the sexual relationship, if she so desired.
Hard words in a direct confrontation are eminently preferable to repeated nagging, insinuation and ultimately uncomfortable acceptance of or ignoring the problem. Hard words have the power to wound, but they also have the ability to stabilize and enhance relationships.
I take the position that hard words in frank conversations should rarely be necessary, but when they are, they give the receiving party the chance to defend themselves, agree, disagree, to change ( refuse to change), or to, at least, think about the feelings of the person expressing the hard words. What do you think?
However, at some point, in every relationship, one party must tell the other a hurtful truth, even if it has the potential of creating a large rift in the relationship. The party receiving this comment must develop the ability to "hear" what the person venturing the information is saying, to downplay the "hurtfulness of it" and to act upon the information received.
An example of this is the husband who tells his wife after she has given birth, that she is too heavy and that he does not feel sexually attracted to her at her post-pregnancy weight. Communicating this information to one's partner after she has been through the travails of pregnancy and while she is exhausted from taking care of a new child seems cold and heartless. However, I take the position that it is a courageous act on the husband's part, especially in light of what can develop if he remains silent and does not share his true feelings. By not communicating how he feels, perhaps out of love or being even ashamed to even have this feeling, he runs the risk of letting his sexual love and affection for his wife dissipate because of her weight while not even telling her (and presumably giving her the chance to address the situation).
Conversely, the wife in that scenario, (rather than being hurt, outraged, upset) had to develop the ability to genuinely "hear" what her husband was trying to tell her, so that she could act to preserve the sexual relationship, if she so desired.
Hard words in a direct confrontation are eminently preferable to repeated nagging, insinuation and ultimately uncomfortable acceptance of or ignoring the problem. Hard words have the power to wound, but they also have the ability to stabilize and enhance relationships.
I take the position that hard words in frank conversations should rarely be necessary, but when they are, they give the receiving party the chance to defend themselves, agree, disagree, to change ( refuse to change), or to, at least, think about the feelings of the person expressing the hard words. What do you think?
Monday, April 18, 2011
Independence
From the moment of birth, parenting is a continual process of letting go. It is the parents' job to start giving the child its freedom and independence in a controlled, loving, prudent, unfolding manner. It is natural for its loving parents to seek to protect the child from all harm and adversity. However, over-protection can sometimes be observed even hours after the child is born. From the reluctance to allow others to hold the baby to an excessive concern about exposing the baby to dirt and germs, the seeds of overprotection are often present during the first few days of a newborn's life. New parents want to control everything in the child's environment so that it has a "perfect" existence. The parents in their hearts know that this is impossible, but nevertheless seek to keep their child safe, existing in a blissful cocoon of dependence. This impulse on the parent's part must be recognized, acknowledged, and firmly quashed if the child is to blossom and become a resilient little person.
When the baby is born, the parents are basically living its entire life for it. They do everything from feeding, dressing and lulling to sleep to controlling the terms of interaction with other people. All activities from naps to play dates are arranged and directed by the parents. But as the child develops, the goal should be to turn more and more of the child's life back over to him or her as they show evidence that they are competent to handle more and more complex decisions for themselves. If done well, by the time the child is 17 or 18, the parent will have handed over 95% of the control over the child's life to the child and the child will be a capable, independent, young adult.
Whenever, there is a question as to whether a child is ready for some activity, action, etc., there is a choice on the parents' part. They can make the decision from a protective perspective or they can allow the child some autonomy. Erring in favor of independence, while at times hair-raising, generally results in competent, can-do types of children. Always sharing the rationale for your decisions when you decide the child is not ready to decide for him or herself or to take the next step helps to teach the child how to analyze problems. Asking the child what he or she thinks or to explain why they want to take the course of action that they are demanding to take also assists both the parent and child in letting the child separate.
It is difficult to refrain from interfering when you see your child making the wrong decision. It is miserable to let your child suffer the consequences of a mistake that she has made. But to grow and develop, children need to stop relying upon the parents and to start making decisions for themselves. How else will they learn these skills if they are never given the opportunity to make decisions and to live with the consequences?
As you hold that beautiful baby in your arms. Begin to let go. Realize as Kahlil Gibran said in The Prophet, "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you."
If you do let go a little, your child will not break, but develop into the person you want them to be. So allow them to fall from the first step when they are learning to climb the stairs. Let them make small mistakes. Your reward will be in seeing the pleasure of genuine accomplishment in their eyes when they master something without your help with their own skills on their very own terms. What do you think?
When the baby is born, the parents are basically living its entire life for it. They do everything from feeding, dressing and lulling to sleep to controlling the terms of interaction with other people. All activities from naps to play dates are arranged and directed by the parents. But as the child develops, the goal should be to turn more and more of the child's life back over to him or her as they show evidence that they are competent to handle more and more complex decisions for themselves. If done well, by the time the child is 17 or 18, the parent will have handed over 95% of the control over the child's life to the child and the child will be a capable, independent, young adult.
Whenever, there is a question as to whether a child is ready for some activity, action, etc., there is a choice on the parents' part. They can make the decision from a protective perspective or they can allow the child some autonomy. Erring in favor of independence, while at times hair-raising, generally results in competent, can-do types of children. Always sharing the rationale for your decisions when you decide the child is not ready to decide for him or herself or to take the next step helps to teach the child how to analyze problems. Asking the child what he or she thinks or to explain why they want to take the course of action that they are demanding to take also assists both the parent and child in letting the child separate.
It is difficult to refrain from interfering when you see your child making the wrong decision. It is miserable to let your child suffer the consequences of a mistake that she has made. But to grow and develop, children need to stop relying upon the parents and to start making decisions for themselves. How else will they learn these skills if they are never given the opportunity to make decisions and to live with the consequences?
As you hold that beautiful baby in your arms. Begin to let go. Realize as Kahlil Gibran said in The Prophet, "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you."
If you do let go a little, your child will not break, but develop into the person you want them to be. So allow them to fall from the first step when they are learning to climb the stairs. Let them make small mistakes. Your reward will be in seeing the pleasure of genuine accomplishment in their eyes when they master something without your help with their own skills on their very own terms. What do you think?
Friday, April 15, 2011
Loggerheads
All new couples have to learn to communicate clearly. Eventually big disagreements arise. Whether or not one will commit to marry, or to have a child, or to move to a new city for the partner's career opportunities are just some of the issues that have the potential of ruining a perfectly viable new relationship. First off, if the issue presenting arises early in the relationship, exploratory conversations are warranted and both parties should keep an open mind and listen to the other carefully. Taking the issue of whether the potential partner wants children as an example, the tone, demeanor, and type of consideration the responder gives to the inquiry tells a lot. If the person confesses that he or she has not really thought much about it, this is radically different from the response of "I have thought about this a lot and I don't think that I am parent material." Whatever the response may be, it is a mistake to immediately go full-tilt boogie into an in-depth conversation on the topic . The questioner should take some time to digest the response and to formulate their own position on the issue, given the response received.
Whether it be children, commitment or career priorities versus the relationship, the next conversation should focus on whether that is the partner's current position and/or whether it may change in the future. Since I knew that having children was important to me, I was not willing to pursue relationships with anyone who firmly communicated that they were not interested in having children (although some past boyfriends ultimately did end up having children). I took their response as being that they were not interested in having children with me and I acted accordingly. I moved on. However, when the response was "I'm not interested now, but won't close the door," I pursued the relationship. "Maybe" was good enough for me. It may not be for you, but the point here is to flesh out all aspects of your partner's position on the big issue creating the loggerhead and to genuinely explore and communicate what your position and/or revised position might be.
Forty years of experience has demonstrated to me that sometimes these big issues can be worked out. Couples with enough affection for each other will consider and reconsider making compromises as these loggerhead arise. Sometimes, however, there are "deal-breakers." You won't know this, however, unless you bring honesty, clarity and good intentions to a meaningful discussion in a direct manner. About the worse thing you can do in a relationship is to ignore the big issue(s) and hope that it(they) resolves itself in your favor. Once you are in a comfortable relationship for a reasonable period of time (say a year), these discussions are appropriate and necessary. They allow both parties to figure out whether their partner really is "the One."
Whether it be children, commitment or career priorities versus the relationship, the next conversation should focus on whether that is the partner's current position and/or whether it may change in the future. Since I knew that having children was important to me, I was not willing to pursue relationships with anyone who firmly communicated that they were not interested in having children (although some past boyfriends ultimately did end up having children). I took their response as being that they were not interested in having children with me and I acted accordingly. I moved on. However, when the response was "I'm not interested now, but won't close the door," I pursued the relationship. "Maybe" was good enough for me. It may not be for you, but the point here is to flesh out all aspects of your partner's position on the big issue creating the loggerhead and to genuinely explore and communicate what your position and/or revised position might be.
Forty years of experience has demonstrated to me that sometimes these big issues can be worked out. Couples with enough affection for each other will consider and reconsider making compromises as these loggerhead arise. Sometimes, however, there are "deal-breakers." You won't know this, however, unless you bring honesty, clarity and good intentions to a meaningful discussion in a direct manner. About the worse thing you can do in a relationship is to ignore the big issue(s) and hope that it(they) resolves itself in your favor. Once you are in a comfortable relationship for a reasonable period of time (say a year), these discussions are appropriate and necessary. They allow both parties to figure out whether their partner really is "the One."
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The Ultimatum
In any serious relationship, there comes a time when a huge disagreement looms. Early in the dating stages of a relationship, one partner strongly wants to give the other an ultimatum on some big issue due largely to impatience or insecurity. In my own case, the person wanted me to stop dating other men (one in particular), and to be exclusive and monogamous in our relationship. I did not feel ready to make such a commitment. When the ultimatum was made, I asked him to reconsider -- explaining that if I agreed to it, exclusively committing to him was not something that I was doing of my own volition, but to satisfy him. If I did not agree, then he would have no choice but to stop seeing me (something I did not think that he really wanted to do and which I did not want him to do) or to back down and withdraw the ultimatum. By forcing the issue too early, he was risking ending a relationship which had the potential of ultimately leading to serious commitment in the future. By withdrawing the ultimatum, he risked looking foolish, or at least slightly diminished in his own eyes, as well as mine. When explained that way, the common sense choice was to reconsider the issuing of a such an ultimatum.
If the person considering issuing an ultimatum on whatever issue views this "either/or" demand in this context, he or she will realize that it does not accomplish what he or she wanted anyway. They will not feel more reassured, more secure, more loved, i.e. happier, if they get their way because their partner did so under duress.
All of this being said, it is important to communicate the underlying feelings which are driving the desire to give an ultimatum. Saying that you feel insecure, jealous, devalued,etc., is important so that your partner can attempt to address those feelings. Also talking with the person to whom the ultimatum is being proposed about their reluctance to take the next step, be it monogamy, speaking to their mother, committing to moving with you, etc., and finding out why they are taking their view will be more fruitful in the long run. This is especially true if the inquiries are made in such a manner that the other person is not immediately put on the defensive. More about couples being at loggerheads later.
For now, just remember that when you are tempted to issue an ultimatum, don't do it. Instead think about what is compelling you to want to force an issue at this point in your relationship. Examine your own motives and communicate your feelings honestly and clearly while making no demands on your partner. You won't be sorry in the long run.
If the person considering issuing an ultimatum on whatever issue views this "either/or" demand in this context, he or she will realize that it does not accomplish what he or she wanted anyway. They will not feel more reassured, more secure, more loved, i.e. happier, if they get their way because their partner did so under duress.
All of this being said, it is important to communicate the underlying feelings which are driving the desire to give an ultimatum. Saying that you feel insecure, jealous, devalued,etc., is important so that your partner can attempt to address those feelings. Also talking with the person to whom the ultimatum is being proposed about their reluctance to take the next step, be it monogamy, speaking to their mother, committing to moving with you, etc., and finding out why they are taking their view will be more fruitful in the long run. This is especially true if the inquiries are made in such a manner that the other person is not immediately put on the defensive. More about couples being at loggerheads later.
For now, just remember that when you are tempted to issue an ultimatum, don't do it. Instead think about what is compelling you to want to force an issue at this point in your relationship. Examine your own motives and communicate your feelings honestly and clearly while making no demands on your partner. You won't be sorry in the long run.
Friday, April 1, 2011
More about "The One"
Young people often have a hard time deciding whether the person who they are currently seeing is "the One." While the litany of admirable qualities is recited, the recitation ends with a dull thud, "I don't hear bells." or "He (she) doesn't make my heart sing, ring, zing, etc." My response to this statement is the following instruction:
Close your eyes. Try to imagine your life 5 years out, 10 years out. Does the thought of this person not playing a significant part in your life cause you great pain or at least serious discomfort?
If the answer to this is "yes," bells, heart-singing, etc. is not as important.
If the answer to this is "no," that person is clearly not THE ONE.
Close your eyes. Try to imagine your life 5 years out, 10 years out. Does the thought of this person not playing a significant part in your life cause you great pain or at least serious discomfort?
If the answer to this is "yes," bells, heart-singing, etc. is not as important.
If the answer to this is "no," that person is clearly not THE ONE.
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