When to Get Off the Pot

This post is directed primarily to my single female readers who care about having their own biological children and are waiting for that special someone to come through and pop "the question."  If you have been with someone for a substantial period of time (not less than 2 years), have hinted broadly that you would like to become engaged, get married, have children, etc. in the not-too-distant future, and have listened carefully to the response to those broad hints from your significant other, and no proposal is forthcoming, here are your options:

1.  Continue to wait while your biological clock is ticking.

2.  Set a dead-line for the hoped-for response and communicate said deadline clearly to you beloved.

3.  Give an ultimatum now.  (This depends on your willingness to follow through with the ultimatum.)

4.  Break-up and be open to finding another partner.

If you are female and older, Option 1 is the riskiest because it continues to eat up valuable time.
Option 2 is viable no matter what stage you are in  as long as you realize that "no decision" is a decision in and of itself at some point.  Option 3 cuts to the chase.  It should not be pursued if one is unprepared to follow through on the ultimatum.  However, if you have been seeing someone for an extensive period of time, perhaps you owe yourself the truth about where the relationship is going.  Option 4, the position that most women who have invested time in the relationship really don't want to be in, is still better than nagging a beloved or trying to force someone to do something that they really do not want to do.

So, ladies, here it is.  None of the above should be pursued without fully discussing your hopes, dreams and aspirations for the relationship with your partner and listening carefully to what they are hoping, dreaming and aspiring to also.  Good luck.

Breaking Up (Involuntarily)

Is there such a thing as a good break-up?  Not really, if it is viewed from the perspective of the person with whom one is breaking up.  There are, however, things to avoid at all costs and things that one can do to make oneself feel better.  First off, acknowledge all the negative feelings that this is creating.  Wallow in your despondency for a given period of time (not to exceed 3 months).  You can play Aron Neville's "Everybody Plays the Fool" or Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" nonstop until the despondency/negativity gives way to some other emotion.  Trust me, if you give free rein to your feelings, they will ultimately change.

Second, don't forget to eat and take care of yourself physically.  That weight drop may look attractive, but it is really unhealthy.  Connect with other family and friends who care about you.  When you need an ear to listen, go to people who will do that for you.  If they cannot show the care, concern, sympathy, and support that you need, get it from other friends/ family who can.

Third, stifle your pride about being "dumped."  Whether long-term relationship, marriage, or short sojourn, it happens to just about everyone at some time in their life.  True friends know that this is hard on anyone's ego.

Fourth, distract yourself.  There is a fine balance between trying to analyze what went wrong to learn from it and obsessively going over what one could have done differently.  Dwelling on the departed beloved is counter-productive.  It helps to tell oneself that this person was obviously not "right" for you or that building a future with them would be a mistake based on their current behavior towards you.

Fifth and finally, love yourself.  Don't devalue yourself based upon all the negative feelings an unanticipated break-up will engender.  Time is your friend and this too will pass.

The Influence Bank and How to Spend Your Credit

In the parenting relationship, the parent has only so much control, power, and influence over his or her children, whether they are stubborn and willful or not.  If one is particularly lucky, the child will not realize that the parent  really does not have the ultimate or inherent power over their person and life until the late teen-age years when the child is in a position to make good judgments for themselves.  If, however, the parent is unlucky or has a child that figures out the power dynamic early, parental exertion of power in decision-making and control of the child becomes much more difficult.

The influence bank in that latter situation becomes more critical and parents need to spend their credits wisely.  Continually trying to control a headstrong child's every move and decision will result in physical and emotional exhaustion for both the parent and child resulting in frequent and often unnecessary battles of wills.

Assuming that the goal is to get the child to ultimately make good decisions for himself or herself, parents must pick their battles wisely, and cede decision-making power for minor and unimportant matters to the child herself.  When the child is a toddler, this can take the form of offering "choices."  Smart children get wise to the "choice" option pretty early and realize that it is the parent that is framing the "choices."  When this occurs the only realistic option is to have a personal discussion with full disclosure of the real options. The parent must request for the child to put herself in the parents' place (i.e. routinely demand that the child consider the situation from the parents/ perspective- If you were me, what would you decide?) before decisions are made.  The more that a decision can be framed as one made mutually, the greater the success the parent will have with compliance on the child's part.

Spending you entire influence bank early will leave the parent with no ammunition when the significant battles of will arise.  When the parent makes no attempt to grant the child autonomy even in small matters, the stage is set for defiance on the child's part to every parental direction.  Parents must think before they "lay down the law" as to whether it is really necessary on this occasion. Doing otherwise will result in parents harping and children ignoring the harping.  You only have so many chips, so don't waste them!

To Grandparent or Not to Grandparent

Nosy Aunt Josie received a request for  specific advice.  The writer's son is not married to, but has two children with, a person for whom he cares deeply.  She is about to give birth to a third child and there is a question as to whether the child is his.  The son's mother asked whether she should visit immediately or await the results of a paternity test (two days).

Initially Aunt Josie thought that waiting the two days might be the prudent thing to do.  However, on reconsideration, the answer depends on whether the writer's son intends to treat the child as his own no matter the results of the paternity test, whether the writer's son intends to stay with the mother of his other two children, whether the baby's mother needs the support, and whether the son's mother can support this family irrespective of the baby's paternity.  Aunt Josie now votes for going as soon as possible and supporting the new family if the answers to most of the above questions are "Yes."

It should be pointed out that this baby is an innocent born into a complex situation. It could probably use all the love and support it can get, especially from older wiser "grandparents."  Hope this is a better answer.

Anger and Disappointment

Nothing prompts these old negative emotions like betrayal, perceived or real, from people one considers to be friends.  How to deal with these emotions, and the people who evoke them, is a real problem for the person who has been injured.  Responding appropriately directly to the person who created the anger is of paramount importance so that the anger one is feeling is not displaced onto innocent third parties.

Direct confrontation and information as to how hurt the person is versus simply ignoring the person are both viable prerogatives.  Aunt Josie recommends a variation of the direct approach.  Writing or e-mailing the offender and spelling out how you feel and how you will treat the person henceforth will allow an outlet for the negative feelings.  It may also invite a reply, an apology, a defensive or another negative response which the writer must be prepared to receive.  The injured party should also have a plan as to how he will deal with chance encounters in public situations or other social occasions where the betrayer will likely be present.  Not attending an event only harms the already dismayed person and will likely have no effect on the betrayer.  However, limiting one's attendance and behaving politely but remotely can be effectively remove the person from one's social scene and allow the injured party to maintain other uninvolved friends.

How do you deal with this scenario, readers?  Any good suggestions?

Transcenders

On occasion, one meets a person who has experienced a difficult childhood, horrible illnesses, and just plain bad luck in his or her formative years.  Rather than remain a victim of the particular circumstance(s) from which he or she never really recovers, this individual rises above his or her plight and succeeds despite overwhelming odds to the contrary.

These "transcenders" usually have one outstanding trait.  They believe in themselves and never stop trying.

They think of disappointments and failures as "temporary" set-backs and keep on plodding towards their goals.  Transcenders usually don't keep asking themselves if they are happy, but interact with others in ways that make them happy.  Aunt Josie would like to ask her readers what other traits they think transcenders manifest that the rest of us do not.  If we could discover what makes these individuals tick and apply it to folks trapped in the "poor me" cycle, many more people would be much better off.

Having It All

The article in the Atlantic a few weeks ago,  http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020, caused quite a stir in the young mother community.  Aunt Josie has been mulling the impact of it for a some time and concedes that Anne-Marie Slaughter  has a point or two.  Aunt Josie always counseled that you can have it all, but only sequentially.  She is now forced to reconsider this advice. When women had their children in their late twenties, there was still time to recover one's career and advance after the children left home (when the woman was in her late forties).  Now, however, with women choosing to continue their education and/or advance in their careers until their mid to late 30's, Aunt Josie must reluctantly agree with Slaughter that the choice to have children and raise them oneself may now be an either/or proposition in terms of advancing in one's career.

Aunt Josie does disagree with Slaughter on some very significant points.  First, it does matter who one partners with to have and raise children.  Mr. Mom and/or any partner who can and will assume household and child-rearing responsibilities adequately will make one's life significantly easier.  Second, the degree of desire and determination that one has to rise to the top of one's profession is always balanced against what is going on in anyone's personal life.  Both women and men must engage in this balancing act to take care of elderly parents, disabled family members, as well as children.  Slaughter suggests that only women must engage in this balancing act and sacrifice career for family or personal life.  This simply is not the case.

So what is a young, forward thinking woman to do?  First, accept that there is always a balancing act existing between one's (selfish/ personal) choices such as career, education,outside interests, etc., and one's responsibilities to others (family/relationship needs, desires, dictates).  Look ahead and anticipate these conflicts and make general and specific priorities.  Accept that you are not a superwoman, but an everywoman. Build a little time into your life for your own interests. But, in the end, plot your course considering both your interests and those of your family and do not second-guess yourself.

Aunt Josie maintains that if you do this, it is still possible to raise healthy, happy children and engage in meaningful work and outside activities.  Not easy, but certainly not impossible!

Desperation

Many in the dating scene wonder why they are having difficulty getting the second date.   Things start off brightly and the person who definitely wants to follow-up is left wondering why the other person decided not to pursue the relationship.  Aunt Josie believes that often it is because one of the parties is trying too hard.  They exude an aura of intensity, seriousness and/or desperation which scares the other person off before a bona fide connection can be made.

To avoid this, the person who is giving off the serious, intense aura must recognize that they are doing this and STOP! But how?  First, recognize that you are intense and work on keeping things light and noncommittal for the first few dates.  Second, no one want to hear how hard you life is at the present time or a laundry list of all your petty and serious annoyances.  When answering questions about yourself, be truthful but avoid discussing any illnesses or serious impediments to a developing relationship (like a maniacal ex-boyfriend, etc.)  Obviously these things will ultimately come up as the relationship develops and may, in fact, be deal-breakers, but give the person a chance to know you.

Finally and probably most importantly,  have fun on those first few dates.  Don't look at your date as a potential life partner at this stage and scrutinize him.  Just see if she is a friendly person with whom you can share some pleasant experiences.  Arrange to do some fun things for the first couple of encounters and evaluate whether or not this is a person with whom you can laugh.

Nothing will chase away potential partners as fast as a good dose of desperation, so avoid presenting yourself in this way at all costs.

The Merits of a Crappy Experience

Most parents want to make their children's lives are as happy as possible.  This is a good thing.  However, trying to shield your child from all discomfort, disappointment and stress is a bad thing.  Your child needs to be able to experience life's disappointments without falling apart or constantly turning to you the parent "to make things okay."

Infants need to know that they can fall, experience some minor discomfort, and deal with the mishap themselves.  "You're okay" is a reassuring way of encouraging the infant or toddler to that he or she is fine and can deal with the discomfort himself.

For the older child, turning the problem back to the child for a solution by asking how he or she plans to deal with it or simply acknowledging that something must be pretty disappointing or embarrassing is sometimes all that is required.

In small increments, children need to learn that they are not entitled to a perfect life, that there will be downs as well as ups, and that they will survive the "downs."  They will not be able to understand this if the parent is constantly shielding the child or solving all of the child's problems.  So, let your children have a crappy experience.  Talk about it with them or give them the privacy and space to deal with it themsleves.  The result will be a self-confident child who does for himself/herself when it is necessary and does not fall apart at the slightest provocation.

The Dance

Everyone in an adult relationship must engage in "the dance."  By the dance, Aunt Josie means getting one's emotional needs met while helping to fulfill your partner's emotional needs.  As in a real dance, at times one leads and the other follows.  But unlike most real life dances, for the dance to be successful, the partners must switch off in who leads and who follows.  For this to go well, there must be communication and signals which can be readily interpreted so that the couple does not stop dancing and descend into "But I thought your said....and I know I said this but I really meant that, etc."

Just as with a ball room dance, initially couples are clumsy.  But if they stay with it, really make an attempt to learn the signals and the techniques required for the dance, eventually they can glide across the floor (i.e., navigate the ups and downs that real life presents) with a degree of skill and savvy which at some point becomes second nature.

Give and take, lead and follow, support and venture out alone, enjoy the dance without misgivings.  It is a fascinating part of adult life that makes us more fully human.

Assisting Children in Overcoming their Weaknesses

As children develop, they exhibit certain strengths and weakness.  Like most adults, they usually want to concentrate on activities where they are already competent and have strong skills.  Permitting children to focus, or concentrate exclusively or primarily, on activities where they have already demonstrated mastery or strong skills is, however, a mistake.

Children need to be challenged to leave their comfort zone and to try new things.  They need to be applauded for their attempts, especially when they are unsuccessful initially.  This is the time when it is especially important to encourage them to keep trying. Repeatedly explaining as often as is necessary that  failure followed by more practice is an inherent and intrinsic part of learning is crucial.  Assisting the child to repeat the practice of the skill for as many times as it takes until mastery is achieved is also important.  When the child balks, this can be a very unpleasant part of parenting, but it is your job to insure that your child is well-rounded and developmentally on target.

Older children and teens often become stuck when it comes to overcoming their deficits because of their desire to perform perfectly the first time.  They may be so locked into this attitude that they refuse to attempt any new activity which cannot be accomplished with perfection the first time round. The best remedy for this attitude of "not trying unless I can do it perfect" is parental modeling.  The parent should attempt new activities and show that the world does not end if the endeavor ends in failure.  The parent should demonstrate determination with repeated attempts and practice accompanied by sense of humor until the task or endeavor is accomplished. Then the child sees and understands that success usually does not occur without initial failure and repeated practice attempts.

Whether it is development of gross or small motor skills in a toddler, participating in  sports, musical, or  artistic endeavosr as a grade school or pre-teen child, or the mastering of  a difficult school subject as a teen-ager, the parent must set the standard of expectations.  If you let your child avoid all the "hard" things in life, he or she will not grow up to be an independent whole person.  Aunt Josie is not suggesting that you drive your child perfectionism in all endeavors.  Rather, where a child is impacted by his inability to perform a task or activity that he should be able to accomplish, the parent should make sure that he continues to work on accomplishing the task.

So, tiger mother or father aside, encourage your child to practice and to stick it out when the going gets tough.  You will not regret it in the long run.

Can I put up with him (her)?

Thinking about compatibility or, more to the point, incompatibility, when evaluating a potential mate is not something that jumps to the fore in the throws of first love and romance.  However, once a person becomes a serious contender as a mate/spouse, the question posed in the title of this blog should take center stage and get primary consideration.  Can you put up with the way he laughs?  the way she interrupts in conversation? her continuous insecurity? his tireless reiteration of the same three stories highlighting his physical prowess?

No one is perfect, of course.  However, we can tolerate certain flaws in our partner while other deficits can drive us nuts.  When relationships are new and exciting, no one wants to even think about imperfections in their potential partner.   However, as the relationship matures and the warts inevitably show, it is much smarter to acknowledge, analyze, and evaluate whether you can accept the person, warts and all, and live with the imperfections.  Thinking that you can "change" or "improve" your partner is unrealistic and ultimately a recipe for a disastrous end to the relationship.  While people can and do change and improve themselves in many small and subtle ways if they themselves are motivated to do so, normally what you see is what you get.  So the smart decision is to ask oneself the question "Can I put up with her (or him) as (s)he presents herself (himself) today?"  If the answer is "no," save yourself some heartbreak and keep on looking.

I'm Sorry

Two little words, but very powerful when stated or withheld.  How many times can a serious argument (where one partner has hurt the other's feelings) be resolved with a simple, but heartfelt, apology.  Yet we are often reluctant to do so.  It is as if by apologizing, even when we genuinely believe that we are not at fault, we have somehow weakened ourselves in the context of power within the relationship.  The converse is also true.  A fleeting, disingenuous "Sorry" can exacerbate a situation and increase the receiving person's anger.  Sometimes apologizing for hurting someone's feelings, hitting below the belt, or going to areas where your partner or friend is absolutely sensitive, while acknowledging that you have to agree to disagree on the merits of the argument, is the best that you can do.  However, a little less pride and a little more willingness to be the first one to to take some responsibility for the disagreement will go a long way to ensuring that the love and affection that you have for your partner or friend will endure. So don't be afraid to sincerely apologize, even when you are in the right!
In the long run, it might just be the smart thing to do.

Enforcer versus Pushover (For Two-Parent Families)

In many families, one parent is the "enforcer" while the other is the "pushover."  Children very quickly understand which is which and will attempt full on manipulation of the"pushover."  This dynamic is not particularly healthy for either the children or the parents.  Parents should always attempt to discuss and hopefully agree about discipline strategies, what activities are age appropriate for their children, and who is responsible for what chores in the household.  Ideally these discussions take place privately before the children are included so that the parents are on the same page.

If there is no opportunity to discuss the issue in advance and one parent is approached regarding any of the above.  The approached parent should immediately respond with "What does your (mother/father) say?"  Also, if possible, all major decisions should be deferred until the approached parent can consult with the other parent.  Very few decisions require immediate action without consultation.

Another positive strategy is for the parent to turn the tables on the child asking the child if he were the parent what decision would he make.  By consulting with each other and devising appropriate parameters for their children, parents can attempt to escape the extremes of the above-referred to roles.  Allowing the "pushover" to deliver restrictions on occasion and allowing the "enforcer" to be the one to grant a wish shares the duties and fun of parenting.

Giving reasons for the decision, whatever it may be, shows the children that you considered their request seriously and that you as a unit will not act arbitrarily. Parents will enjoy the job more if each gets to be a "pushover" some times and the "enforcer" at other times.  Allowing one parent to always be the killjoy while the other gets to be the playful prince or princess is unfair and will breed resentment between the parents.  Unity is the goal here as it will affect how the child views you both separately and together.

You Never Confide in Me!

This is a common lament made by one party in a caring relationship.  Often, it is a parent who says this to a teenager or adult child when he or she feels "shut out" of that child's life.  It may also be said by one lover to the other in a committed relationship when it looks to the complainer as if his or her partner grants another access to problems or personal information of which the lover was unaware.  What the person making the lament is really saying is "You are moving away from me because you are not sharing these intimate details of your life with me. I am afraid I am losing a close connection with you."

If you feel compelled to make this statement, you should listen very carefully to the addressee's response.  If the response is" I am not telling you because you cannot keep a secret," this is very different from deflection, a shrug, or a candid "I feel more comfortable talking about these things with so and so."  One can try to remedy the former disclosure problem.  However, without a clear reason for why one is not being trusted, all of the responses are much more difficult to deal with.

Whatever the response, a frank discussion of hopes and expectations can never hurt.  Moreover, sharing one's own intimate problems, perceptions, and aspirations (insofar as is age appropriate in the case of a parent) will help you re-establish a degree of intimacy.  Make sure to let the person with whom you hope to maintain that intimacy know that you are "on their side." Also be clear with your loved one that you will always be there for them no matter what they choose to share or keep private.  These two assurances will help to keep the relationship a close one.

Inertia

While many people believe that inertia, or the inability to act, is the result of laziness or depression, a much more likely explanation is fear.  Being afraid of the results of one's actions or simply fearing to take any action can lead to a paralysis that is often mistaken for laziness, procrastination, or simple avoidance.  Aunt Josie thinks that the most effective remedy is to get off one's derriere and to take a simple action, any action will do.  It need not be earth-shattering or in fact the correct action.  Just doing often brings clarity and insight into why one has been afraid to take a step or make a move and will hopefully permit the person to escape this disabling condition and get on with one's life decisions.

Perspective

Aunt Josie has been away on a three-week trip out of the country.  Trips that take one out of one's comfort zone and require observation, decision-making, and action are very valuable for one other important reason.  They almost inevitably offer the voyager a different perspective on life in general, and the life one is living in particular.

So, if you are going through a difficult time and have the resources, Aunt Josie says to "Jump out of your day-to-day and book a flight to somewhere else."  You will return with new energy and insights even if there were some negative aspects to your trip.

Conquering Fear (The Best Resolution)

About this time of year, people are making many resolutions to improve the quality of their lives.  Aunt Josie can only endorse these, but she suggests a more important general resolution:  conquering your fears, or only just one fear, i.e., the fear of looking silly or being somehow diminished by your actions.  Fear of looking silly in front of others or of failing in front of others keeps us from growing.  It hampers us in our attempts to try new things.  It makes us refrain from engaging in activities that can end up making us happier.

Aunt Josie has so often observed people, especially the young, holding back from participating in activities or endeavors for no other reason than fear of failure or looking silly in front of peers.  Only when they have consume alcohol or other substances do their inhibitions loosen.  If you resolve to try new things while you still have good judgment before indulging in alcohol or other substances and permit yourself to be viewed as one who sometimes takes chances in the pursuit of knowledge, or just a good time, your life will be the richer. 

In the long run, people tend to admire those who will sacrifice a little "face" to risk getting something they genuinely want or to engage in an activity which may ultimately open other doors.  So resolve to be a little more spirited and adventurous in 2012.  You will not regret it.

More than Two (Children, that is)

Aunt Josie received an indirect query about the advisability of having more than two children.  Her answer is a resounding "It depends." 

It mostly depends on how needy the two children that you currently have are.  It also depends on the parents' resources, both emotional and economic.  Finally, it depends on your world view and view of family.  Aunt Josie would be remiss if she did not at least mention ZPG (Zero Population Growth) as a concept, but she also realizes that some people should parent larger families and have the wherewithal to do so.  How much love, energy, and enthusiasm do you have?  Also, it is unfair to expect your older children to help you parent the third.  If the parents are confident that they can handle three, having the third is a much more viable option.

Can you re-read the "Little Engine that Could" for the third time with gusto for that third child?  Looking at your first-born with unbiased eyes, will he or she be harmed by your having to devote more attention to that third child.  The first and second born will be held back slightly as the parents attention rightly focuses on the new-born to the detriment of supporting and arranging for the older children's activities.  Aunt Josie says to "go for it" only if you are convinced that your older children will not be harmed and you, the parents, have what it takes to spread yourselves a little thinner in addressing the needs of three children.

Peter Pan/Don Juan-ism

Certain males view interpersonal romantic relationships as a game where once their quarry has been successfully pursued and wooed, they sooner or later want to move on to the next woman.  This strategy, steeped in egotism, will work for a good long time until the late forties/early fifties. Then it starts to look pathetic to outsiders and ultimately leaves the men who follow it without real relationships and connections.  They will face old age alone or with women who only value them in terms of their status or financial wherewithal.

An older middle age man continuing to pursue younger women, and ultimately prevailing with those women, will miss all the really important things that a long-term stable relationship can offer.  There will be no one to remininsce with, no one to share generational in-jokes, no one to genuinely appreciate the personality that emerges after long term knowledge and commitment.  In old age, often there will simply be no one who cares for or about them.

This may be cold comfort for the women who did care and were "dumped" along the way.  However, in the long run, they will be better off because they are free to find a man who genuinely appreciates them with whom they can develop a committed realtionship.  So to all the Peter Pan/Don Juans out there, just remember, you will in all likelihood end up with the person you love the most, youself.