Thursday, August 11, 2011

Love is Not Exclusive! You do not have to Choose!

Aunt Josie received another inquiry from a person having trouble with his adult daughter.  Having lost his partner to death about a year ago, he waited a reasonable period of time  and then commenced looking for another companion.  Having found someone (here Aunt Josie, in the interest of fairness, must disclose that this someone is a friend of hers), he wants to introduce her to his daughter and grandchildren.  His daughter won't return his calls or e-mails and by this behavior has made it pretty clear that she will not meet his new friend.

The inquirer asks what to do.  First, be patient with your daughter recognizing that it takes varied periods of time for some people grieve and let go sufficiently to entertain the possibility of their parents seeking and entering a new relationship.  Second, rather than resenting her refusal, acknowledging her feelings and reassuring her that you love her and her children and that they will not be displaced is crucial.  Third, although she is an adult, continue to explain that love need not be exclusive and that you tried to accept the people she brought home as partners, mates, etc.  Fourth, continue to reiterate that you are entitled to companionship, romance, and love just as she is.  You could also reassure her that you are not replacing her mother and her with the new relationship but that you are continuing on with your adult life.

When your friend does visit, continue to contact your daughter and invite her to meet your friend.  Suggest coffee or an activity that will be brief so that your daughter can choose to come and then leave after a short period of time.  Also, point out that her refusal to respond is depriving you of a relationship with your granddaughters.  Even if the "meet" does not happen on this occasion, stay calm and open.  It may just be too early and you definitely should not force anything between your friend and your daughter.  Also you should not view this situation as compelling you to make a choice between your friend and your daughter.  Time, communicating clearly, and patience will help ultimately resolve this problem for you.  Good luck!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Doubting One's Choices and Making Good Ones

Nosy Aunt Josie has received an inquiry with the following abbreviated history as a lead-up to the question of "Why can't I recognize the toads from the princes?"

In summary, without revealing the source, the first guy she dated was a starving-artist type who professed great love (until he didn't) with cool pheromone connection, etc. but not much in common.  The second guy had professional values in common, but was somewhat younger, and ungraciously severed contact after five or six dates.

Aunt Josie has one comment and several observations about this situation.  First, as I tell all my single friends and acquaintances, "you've got to meet (and  date and, maybe, kiss) a lot of toads before you find a prince."  This is just life.  The first observation is that you are learning from your experiences.  First guy -"obvious wrong guy" for a professional woman seeking a mate.  Not even close to the life traveler that you are seeking.   Second guy - "not such an obviously wrong guy," but young, probably too young, and not ready to settle down into a relationship, or was in deep enough to realize that you were not suitable for him.  Clearly a cad in the manner in which he broke it off.

The second observatio is that these things hurt and are difficult, but in the end, they lead to the right person.  Really concentrate on venues, friends, and social situations where you are likely to encounter someone with your values and attitudes.  Age, education, professional status, and outlook all matter when you are seeking a partner.  He or she must also "smell" right, i.e., pass the pheromone test because if there is absolutely no chemistry between you, no matter how right the person is, it is not going to work. 

So, inquirer, you are learning from each relationship.  Get out there and date.  Don't despair, but check out geeks, professional friends with friends, plain-old friends who have someone they think you should meet, fund-raisers, educational and political meetings, and any other venues where you are likely to meet someone in your age group who appeals to you.  Let Aunt Josie know how it all works out.

P.S. You probably do not want to contact Mr. Rude even if he has a good excuse as to why he did not call, unless there was death or serious injury involved.  You can ask your friend who introduced you what the deal was if you are really interested in why he dropped off your radar.