The One

Young people seeking a mate are very interested in knowing whether the current person that they are dating is "the one."  Should they come to a coffee klatsch of more than four over-fifty year old women, within 45 minutes, the klatsch will be happy to tell you both whether you can make it or whether you should break up now.  I believe that I can (with about 85% accuracy) predict whether a couple will make it after talking to both of them over dinner.

How can that be, you ask?  Well, the answer is "common values."  What sociologists have long known, with various studies to back them up, is that couples with shared outlooks on life make the best partners.   The prospective mate must share enough attitudes and outlook with the person presenting him or her.  He or she must have the potential to be a "common traveler" on the road that is life.  Too divergent values and attitudes, especially where they are strongly held by one or both, does not make for a sound relationship that is not filled with tension and friction. Personalities may be very different and complimentary, but values should be similar. Sharing an esoteric interest without a lot more, no matter how interesting or passionate the two partners are, will not suffice in the long run.  This is the case because bungie jumping, scuba, competitive chess, video gaming, whatever, does not figure largely into the day-to-day issues that arise in real life.

It is attitudes about money, religion, politics, child-raising, cleanliness, socializing, etc. that are the real deal-makers and breakers.  So date that exotic person to your heart's content, but if you are looking for "the one", best to look through your friends, in your educational group, professional circles, and your neighborhood.

Three LITTLE (Big) Words

Use of the  L-word (Love) is difficult for many of us.  Part of the problem is that in English, it can be used to describe feelings for your favorite pizza, your mom, and the person that you believe you can't live without.  Lots has been written about this word and the magical aura surrounding it.  Many people in new relationships desperately await the moment when their "beloved" will use this word in a serious, not casual sense.  I do not fancy myself an expert in interpreting the L-word, but I do know that if someone lies to you, says or does mean things to you and makes you miserable, they do not love you, even if they say they do.

If the L-word causes consternation, reluctance, and fear, the C-word (Commitment) is even more terrifying.  Even fewer folks in this modern life want to be shackled by the C-word, and even more are wondering what that word actually means.  Does it mean being in a serious relationship?  Does it mean forsaking all others forever sexually and emotionally?  Does it mean promising to travel down life's paths with someone?  Because of the confusion engendered by both the L and C-words, I propose consideration of a more modest C-word: "Care."

To tell someone that you "Care" about them is a powerful statement.  It is also a very positive transitional point in a serious relationship.  If more people settled for "Care" instead of "Love," as the word they longed to hear, they could give their relationships the breathing room and space they need to grow and flourish.  They would soon discover whether "Caring" metamorphoses into "Love" and ultimately "Commitment."  So go ahead, make a bold statement.  Tell the person with whom you are having a relationship that you "Care" for them.  Say it tenderly, or boldly, or casually; but say it.

Neighborly Advice

60, 50, even 40 years ago, there was a coffee klatsch neighborhood group of middle-aged women who met casually two or three mornings or afternoons a week to gossip and socialize.  These women gave solicited and unsolicited to whomever showed up.  They did not hesitate to try to improve the lives of the neighbors, especially young people whom they knew.  Conversely, young people just beginning a relationship would also stop by to ask the "aunts" what they thought of the new boyfriend (whether he or she was marriage material), how to deal with the baby who would not nap or the teenager who was behaving defiantly, and whether to take that job which did not pay as much but would lead to future opportunities.  The "aunts" had no credentials for giving this advice but did provide a common-sense perspective to those who they believed to be floundering.

For so many of us, we have lost the "aunts" in the coffee klatsch.  We may have co-workers at the office who hesitate to say what they really think, or "best friends" who we meet at a bar who are often in similar predicaments and can add little diverse perspective, or we hire psychologist and life coaches who do not give concrete, tangible advice, but pepper the seeker with "what do you think?" and "why do you suppose you did that?" types of responses to serious questions.

Rather than receiving tangible advice like "are you out of your mind" or "that's a really bad idea which will probably result in an unanticipated outcome" or "I don't think you will like what that choice will bring you", the majority of individuals struggling with serious problems must settle for psycho babble couched as guidance and blunder through life without utilizing common sense as a guide.

Through this blog, I intend to give advice and opinions, solicited and unsolicited.  What are my "credentials?"  I am a 62-year old Italian American woman, a wife, sister, a mother, a neighbor, an aunt, an employer, a past employee, a mediator, an arbitrator, and a person who has tried to study the vagaries of modern life.  Most of all, I tell it like it is--and always will. This will not be Dear Abby. I promise to give my unadorned opinion on the issues confronting so many busy Americans.  I will also ask some other "aunties" to weigh in on the tough calls.

My family has observed me giving advice throughout the years.  They tell me that it is generally good advice, but often ignored by their friends and associates.  Sometimes it has been taken with life-changing results.  And sometimes it has been followed and the person's life has been just a little bit better.

I propose to send some of these opinions out into the world at large and see what turns up.   Welcome to my coffee klatsch!