That Rebound Effect

On breaking up with a partner, there is a tendency to throw oneself into frantic social activity to stave off depression or to simply get back in the romantic game.  While this is generally harmless, a note of precaution should be sounded just the same.  The first new relationship, especially if it is very soon after the break-up, may be simply a rebound situation where one is desperate to be with someone and cannot really evaluate the new person for who he or she really is.

What to do?  Three things.  First it is necessary to evaluate what attracted you to your original partner in the first place and why that original relationship failed.  This should be done prior to jumping into any future relationship.  Second and third, a skeptical attempt to evaluate the new partner objectively and a delay in rushing things even though you feel head-over-heels in love are good starters.  The main advice is to go slowly!  That rebound guy or girl might just end up being the perfect fit, but you won't know it for some time.  Going too fast can result in misunderstandings and hurt feelings for both parties if they ultimately find out that they are incompatible.  So go slow and get to know the new person without rushing things.  Commitment, if it is right, will blossom and mature on its own time schedule. Think positively and enjoy the new partner on his or her own merits.  Aunt Josie is not saying that a rebound guy or girl will never work out.  After all, Aunt Josie's own wonderful significant other of over 40 years was a rebound. Just understand the rebound dynamics involved and get to know the new person without urgency at a leisurely pace and have fun.

When to Get Off the Pot

This post is directed primarily to my single female readers who care about having their own biological children and are waiting for that special someone to come through and pop "the question."  If you have been with someone for a substantial period of time (not less than 2 years), have hinted broadly that you would like to become engaged, get married, have children, etc. in the not-too-distant future, and have listened carefully to the response to those broad hints from your significant other, and no proposal is forthcoming, here are your options:

1.  Continue to wait while your biological clock is ticking.

2.  Set a dead-line for the hoped-for response and communicate said deadline clearly to you beloved.

3.  Give an ultimatum now.  (This depends on your willingness to follow through with the ultimatum.)

4.  Break-up and be open to finding another partner.

If you are female and older, Option 1 is the riskiest because it continues to eat up valuable time.
Option 2 is viable no matter what stage you are in  as long as you realize that "no decision" is a decision in and of itself at some point.  Option 3 cuts to the chase.  It should not be pursued if one is unprepared to follow through on the ultimatum.  However, if you have been seeing someone for an extensive period of time, perhaps you owe yourself the truth about where the relationship is going.  Option 4, the position that most women who have invested time in the relationship really don't want to be in, is still better than nagging a beloved or trying to force someone to do something that they really do not want to do.

So, ladies, here it is.  None of the above should be pursued without fully discussing your hopes, dreams and aspirations for the relationship with your partner and listening carefully to what they are hoping, dreaming and aspiring to also.  Good luck.

Breaking Up (Involuntarily)

Is there such a thing as a good break-up?  Not really, if it is viewed from the perspective of the person with whom one is breaking up.  There are, however, things to avoid at all costs and things that one can do to make oneself feel better.  First off, acknowledge all the negative feelings that this is creating.  Wallow in your despondency for a given period of time (not to exceed 3 months).  You can play Aron Neville's "Everybody Plays the Fool" or Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" nonstop until the despondency/negativity gives way to some other emotion.  Trust me, if you give free rein to your feelings, they will ultimately change.

Second, don't forget to eat and take care of yourself physically.  That weight drop may look attractive, but it is really unhealthy.  Connect with other family and friends who care about you.  When you need an ear to listen, go to people who will do that for you.  If they cannot show the care, concern, sympathy, and support that you need, get it from other friends/ family who can.

Third, stifle your pride about being "dumped."  Whether long-term relationship, marriage, or short sojourn, it happens to just about everyone at some time in their life.  True friends know that this is hard on anyone's ego.

Fourth, distract yourself.  There is a fine balance between trying to analyze what went wrong to learn from it and obsessively going over what one could have done differently.  Dwelling on the departed beloved is counter-productive.  It helps to tell oneself that this person was obviously not "right" for you or that building a future with them would be a mistake based on their current behavior towards you.

Fifth and finally, love yourself.  Don't devalue yourself based upon all the negative feelings an unanticipated break-up will engender.  Time is your friend and this too will pass.

Desperation

Many in the dating scene wonder why they are having difficulty getting the second date.   Things start off brightly and the person who definitely wants to follow-up is left wondering why the other person decided not to pursue the relationship.  Aunt Josie believes that often it is because one of the parties is trying too hard.  They exude an aura of intensity, seriousness and/or desperation which scares the other person off before a bona fide connection can be made.

To avoid this, the person who is giving off the serious, intense aura must recognize that they are doing this and STOP! But how?  First, recognize that you are intense and work on keeping things light and noncommittal for the first few dates.  Second, no one want to hear how hard you life is at the present time or a laundry list of all your petty and serious annoyances.  When answering questions about yourself, be truthful but avoid discussing any illnesses or serious impediments to a developing relationship (like a maniacal ex-boyfriend, etc.)  Obviously these things will ultimately come up as the relationship develops and may, in fact, be deal-breakers, but give the person a chance to know you.

Finally and probably most importantly,  have fun on those first few dates.  Don't look at your date as a potential life partner at this stage and scrutinize him.  Just see if she is a friendly person with whom you can share some pleasant experiences.  Arrange to do some fun things for the first couple of encounters and evaluate whether or not this is a person with whom you can laugh.

Nothing will chase away potential partners as fast as a good dose of desperation, so avoid presenting yourself in this way at all costs.

Can I put up with him (her)?

Thinking about compatibility or, more to the point, incompatibility, when evaluating a potential mate is not something that jumps to the fore in the throws of first love and romance.  However, once a person becomes a serious contender as a mate/spouse, the question posed in the title of this blog should take center stage and get primary consideration.  Can you put up with the way he laughs?  the way she interrupts in conversation? her continuous insecurity? his tireless reiteration of the same three stories highlighting his physical prowess?

No one is perfect, of course.  However, we can tolerate certain flaws in our partner while other deficits can drive us nuts.  When relationships are new and exciting, no one wants to even think about imperfections in their potential partner.   However, as the relationship matures and the warts inevitably show, it is much smarter to acknowledge, analyze, and evaluate whether you can accept the person, warts and all, and live with the imperfections.  Thinking that you can "change" or "improve" your partner is unrealistic and ultimately a recipe for a disastrous end to the relationship.  While people can and do change and improve themselves in many small and subtle ways if they themselves are motivated to do so, normally what you see is what you get.  So the smart decision is to ask oneself the question "Can I put up with her (or him) as (s)he presents herself (himself) today?"  If the answer is "no," save yourself some heartbreak and keep on looking.

I'm Sorry

Two little words, but very powerful when stated or withheld.  How many times can a serious argument (where one partner has hurt the other's feelings) be resolved with a simple, but heartfelt, apology.  Yet we are often reluctant to do so.  It is as if by apologizing, even when we genuinely believe that we are not at fault, we have somehow weakened ourselves in the context of power within the relationship.  The converse is also true.  A fleeting, disingenuous "Sorry" can exacerbate a situation and increase the receiving person's anger.  Sometimes apologizing for hurting someone's feelings, hitting below the belt, or going to areas where your partner or friend is absolutely sensitive, while acknowledging that you have to agree to disagree on the merits of the argument, is the best that you can do.  However, a little less pride and a little more willingness to be the first one to to take some responsibility for the disagreement will go a long way to ensuring that the love and affection that you have for your partner or friend will endure. So don't be afraid to sincerely apologize, even when you are in the right!
In the long run, it might just be the smart thing to do.

You Never Confide in Me!

This is a common lament made by one party in a caring relationship.  Often, it is a parent who says this to a teenager or adult child when he or she feels "shut out" of that child's life.  It may also be said by one lover to the other in a committed relationship when it looks to the complainer as if his or her partner grants another access to problems or personal information of which the lover was unaware.  What the person making the lament is really saying is "You are moving away from me because you are not sharing these intimate details of your life with me. I am afraid I am losing a close connection with you."

If you feel compelled to make this statement, you should listen very carefully to the addressee's response.  If the response is" I am not telling you because you cannot keep a secret," this is very different from deflection, a shrug, or a candid "I feel more comfortable talking about these things with so and so."  One can try to remedy the former disclosure problem.  However, without a clear reason for why one is not being trusted, all of the responses are much more difficult to deal with.

Whatever the response, a frank discussion of hopes and expectations can never hurt.  Moreover, sharing one's own intimate problems, perceptions, and aspirations (insofar as is age appropriate in the case of a parent) will help you re-establish a degree of intimacy.  Make sure to let the person with whom you hope to maintain that intimacy know that you are "on their side." Also be clear with your loved one that you will always be there for them no matter what they choose to share or keep private.  These two assurances will help to keep the relationship a close one.

Peter Pan/Don Juan-ism

Certain males view interpersonal romantic relationships as a game where once their quarry has been successfully pursued and wooed, they sooner or later want to move on to the next woman.  This strategy, steeped in egotism, will work for a good long time until the late forties/early fifties. Then it starts to look pathetic to outsiders and ultimately leaves the men who follow it without real relationships and connections.  They will face old age alone or with women who only value them in terms of their status or financial wherewithal.

An older middle age man continuing to pursue younger women, and ultimately prevailing with those women, will miss all the really important things that a long-term stable relationship can offer.  There will be no one to remininsce with, no one to share generational in-jokes, no one to genuinely appreciate the personality that emerges after long term knowledge and commitment.  In old age, often there will simply be no one who cares for or about them.

This may be cold comfort for the women who did care and were "dumped" along the way.  However, in the long run, they will be better off because they are free to find a man who genuinely appreciates them with whom they can develop a committed realtionship.  So to all the Peter Pan/Don Juans out there, just remember, you will in all likelihood end up with the person you love the most, youself.

Familial Expectations and How to Deal with Them

The role of family in the development of the person can never be underestimated.  Who the family is, how strong the interpersonal relationships are (be they positive or negative), the reputation of the family, how it functions or fails to function, and who controls the interactions will all impact on an individual member.  Culture also contributes to the familial expectations and attitudes of the family as a group, along with those of the individual members of the family. People from different cultures would do well to understand the underlying differences in perspective and world view when they consider marrying into a family with a different view of exactly who is included in the immediate family. There may also be a different view of the extent of filial and extended family obligations, financial support, child care, etc.  Aunt Josie's husband, who came from a very American individual nuclear family situation, spent many years attempting to understand and fit into her close extended Italian-American family.

What one's role in the family is, who should be included in the immediate family, and how one should behave with various family members may differ from family to family (and culture to culture) depending on who is marrying into which family.  Starting with the wedding, preceding through the birth of the first child, and continuing into taking care of elderly family members and children, family expectations may range from the total inclusion of grandparents, great aunts and uncles, first, second, and third cousins to inclusion of just the nuclear unit of husband-wife-children.  Aunt Josie strongly disagrees with the advice of most self help columnists which put the couple and their needs first.

This may work for those who hail from a White Anglo-Saxon cultural heritage who grew up in the "Leave it to Beaver" type of family where the nuclear family is considered the primary family, because the parents of the couple will see and respect the formation of the new family unit.  It may, however,  fail with many families from cultures where the extended family is viewed as primary.  Hispanic American families and those from certain Asian, African and Mediterranean cultures may view the success and prosperity of the extended family as more important than the achievement and happiness of any small nuclear unit within the family.  That is why refusing to "lend" money to a needy member of the extended family, not allowing a grandparent or great aunt opportunity to "babysit" or engage in frequent childcare, or always subordinating the desires of the mother/grandmother to those of the wife in an extended family can have serious repercussions and effects upon the ultimate happiness of those in the nuclear unit.  These is especially the case if they are constantly butting up against, and not living up to, the cultural expectations of those in the extended family.

Aunt Josie is not saying that the cultural expectations of the extended family should always prevail.  Rather, she says that the newest members of such a family will do much better in the long run to learn what the cultural expectations are, to decide where and when they can accommodate them and to explain to and communicate with the members of the family when this is not possible.  You will save yourself lots of heartache and family strife if you take the needs of the extended family into consideration.

The Total Package (and Why It Must Be Considered)

In one of Aunt Josie's last posts she talked about not counting someone out using dumb criteria for exclusion.  In this post, I want to talk about how important it is to consider intrinsic qualities that exist in a potential partner.  If such important positive qualities like kindness, consideration, selflessness, intelligence, initiative, (you name what is really important to you) are not evident to you after three or four dates, do not waste your time.  Move on.

Conversely, if you see various negative traits which appear routinely or excessively within the short period of time that you are getting to know the person, such as volatile, highly critical, selfish, lazy, etc.,  again don't waste your time.  Move on.  You cannot change the intrinsic character of a person.  Many a person has learned that to their detriment after having invested time, emotional energy, and resources.  Look at the total package, give the other person a fair amount of time so that your and your evaluation is accurate.  Then allow yourself to pursue or pass on the relationship based on real criteria and not arbitrary reasons concocted in some dream world.

The List (and Why It Does Not Work)

So many single men and women have a list of attributes which they demand be present in any potential partner who they are evaluating as serious romantic material.  The attributes can be physical, i.e "he must be over 6 feet tall" or "she must enjoy extreme adventure sports," or emotional, e.g., "he can't be nerdy," "she can't be too demanding." The person being considered may also raise deal-breaker red flags like "he owns a cat" or "she does not shave her legs."  In the very early stages of getting to know a potential mate, the prospect's failure to meet one of the criteria or his or her possession of even one red flag results in their elimination from serious consideration as a romantic partner.

What a waste this is!  Allowing a potential partner the time to reveal themselves as a full person to you with all their warts and wonderful attributes allows people to make realistic decisions over a realistic period of time.  The person who automatically scratches and eliminates based on one or two criteria that they have developed for their "dream mate" potentially loses out on forming a relationship with a very real person who could make him or her happy. 

When she was young Aunt Josie herself often remarked that she would never date a bartender because they got too much romantic action from other women.  Guess what, her husband of over 37 years was a bartender when she met him. 

Giving up height/weight/physical attribute requirements (but nevertheless retaining sexual attraction/compatibility), and surrendering emotional criteria like too bossy, too quiet (while considering intrinsic qualities like kindness and intelligence along with overall interactions between the two of you as a couple) will insure that you do not pass on "the One."  Obviously, the whole package must be considered, but it should be considered over four/five/or six encounters where both parties give the other the opportunity to reveal themselves more fully without intense pressure.  You never know what you might pass on if you never give the other person the chance to get to know you and to allow you to get know them.

Being (Staying) Single

The Atlantic had a new article about the economy and changing societal mores resulting in women being more economically independent, but having less marriageable men from which to choose.  According to this article, men have greater power in social relationships and fewer are making the decision to enter committed relationships.  This has appeared to be the case based upon Aunt Josie's informal observations also.  The hook-up culture and some men's unwillingness to "commit," given the excess number of attractive single women within their age demographic, is just a modern version of "why buy the cow when the milk is so cheap!" Also fueling this status of thirty-something singledom is the rejection of and refusal on the part of some women in their late twenties and early thirties to consider any potential partner who is not "perfect".  Holding out for a man who will meet all of one's specifications (some being quite arbitrary, e.g., he must be a bicyclist,) also contributes to this unfortunate dynamic.

What should a late thirties single do in the hopes of meeting the one.  First off, live your live.  Don't put off things you want to have or accomplish until you meet someone.  Second, shed the scent of desperation.  Potential partners can smell it a mile away and steer clear!  Don't look for Mr. or Ms. Perfect!  Keep an open mind and allow your relationships to develop in a relaxed natural environment.  Don't reveal too much about yourself too soon.  Potential mates enjoy an aura of mystery and learning slowly about each other.  Be wary of total infatuation.  While sexual chemistry and feeling loved is important, going too fast only to see the relationship crash and burn wastes valuable time as well as emotional resources.

Hold out for someone good.  As my grandmother often said, "Don't throw pearls to swine," meaning place a high value on yourself and don't waste yourself on someone who obviously does not value you.  Let your higher thinking dictate your behavior when you intellectually know that "he's just not that into you."  Don't be afraid to pass and move on.

 Finally, realize that being single has many advantages.  Your time, your resources and your affections are yours to do as you please.  Being trapped in a bad relationship is far worse than finding oneself alone.

Love is Not Exclusive! You do not have to Choose!

Aunt Josie received another inquiry from a person having trouble with his adult daughter.  Having lost his partner to death about a year ago, he waited a reasonable period of time  and then commenced looking for another companion.  Having found someone (here Aunt Josie, in the interest of fairness, must disclose that this someone is a friend of hers), he wants to introduce her to his daughter and grandchildren.  His daughter won't return his calls or e-mails and by this behavior has made it pretty clear that she will not meet his new friend.

The inquirer asks what to do.  First, be patient with your daughter recognizing that it takes varied periods of time for some people grieve and let go sufficiently to entertain the possibility of their parents seeking and entering a new relationship.  Second, rather than resenting her refusal, acknowledging her feelings and reassuring her that you love her and her children and that they will not be displaced is crucial.  Third, although she is an adult, continue to explain that love need not be exclusive and that you tried to accept the people she brought home as partners, mates, etc.  Fourth, continue to reiterate that you are entitled to companionship, romance, and love just as she is.  You could also reassure her that you are not replacing her mother and her with the new relationship but that you are continuing on with your adult life.

When your friend does visit, continue to contact your daughter and invite her to meet your friend.  Suggest coffee or an activity that will be brief so that your daughter can choose to come and then leave after a short period of time.  Also, point out that her refusal to respond is depriving you of a relationship with your granddaughters.  Even if the "meet" does not happen on this occasion, stay calm and open.  It may just be too early and you definitely should not force anything between your friend and your daughter.  Also you should not view this situation as compelling you to make a choice between your friend and your daughter.  Time, communicating clearly, and patience will help ultimately resolve this problem for you.  Good luck!

Doubting One's Choices and Making Good Ones

Nosy Aunt Josie has received an inquiry with the following abbreviated history as a lead-up to the question of "Why can't I recognize the toads from the princes?"

In summary, without revealing the source, the first guy she dated was a starving-artist type who professed great love (until he didn't) with cool pheromone connection, etc. but not much in common.  The second guy had professional values in common, but was somewhat younger, and ungraciously severed contact after five or six dates.

Aunt Josie has one comment and several observations about this situation.  First, as I tell all my single friends and acquaintances, "you've got to meet (and  date and, maybe, kiss) a lot of toads before you find a prince."  This is just life.  The first observation is that you are learning from your experiences.  First guy -"obvious wrong guy" for a professional woman seeking a mate.  Not even close to the life traveler that you are seeking.   Second guy - "not such an obviously wrong guy," but young, probably too young, and not ready to settle down into a relationship, or was in deep enough to realize that you were not suitable for him.  Clearly a cad in the manner in which he broke it off.

The second observatio is that these things hurt and are difficult, but in the end, they lead to the right person.  Really concentrate on venues, friends, and social situations where you are likely to encounter someone with your values and attitudes.  Age, education, professional status, and outlook all matter when you are seeking a partner.  He or she must also "smell" right, i.e., pass the pheromone test because if there is absolutely no chemistry between you, no matter how right the person is, it is not going to work. 

So, inquirer, you are learning from each relationship.  Get out there and date.  Don't despair, but check out geeks, professional friends with friends, plain-old friends who have someone they think you should meet, fund-raisers, educational and political meetings, and any other venues where you are likely to meet someone in your age group who appeals to you.  Let Aunt Josie know how it all works out.

P.S. You probably do not want to contact Mr. Rude even if he has a good excuse as to why he did not call, unless there was death or serious injury involved.  You can ask your friend who introduced you what the deal was if you are really interested in why he dropped off your radar.

Security

No matter what one's age is --from infant to old person--human beings need to feel secure.  They need to feel secure in the love of the people who care for them or who are the closest to them.  If you cannot make your child or elderly parent secure in your love, caring, and interest in their well-being, the child will not develop properly and the elder will not be able to relax and prosper.

Providing a partner with a sense of security, i.e., assurance that they are loved and cared for above everyone,  is an intrinsic component to a happy, long-term, intimate relationship.  No one wants to open up and share their most innermost thoughts and history with someone whom they do not trust.  Allowing your partner to always know that you love them and proving by your actions that you are there for them gives them the freedom to truly reveal who they are and to enjoy the relationship to the maximum.  Offering this type of security to your child will result in an emotionally strong, caring, confident young adult.  Reassuring an elderly person that you will always be there gives them peace of mind and frees them from unnecessary worries about what will happen to them in the future.  So, if you love someone, commit, and reassure them that you will be there for the long haul!

Relationship Purgatory

What do you do when you are in relationship purgatory?  You know the person's not "the One" intellectually, but you do not have a "love jones," i.e., romantic addiction to that person. They are, however, hovering around in your life and they are convenient.  Moving on and up can be more difficult than for the person with the love addiction because those folks know that they are addicted to the person who is definitely not right for them and often makes them feel terrible about themselves.  In relationship purgatory, the other person is often "in love" with you and may be a genuinely wonderful person, just not a good fit for you as a mate.  How does one escape?  The short answer is that you must definitively and strongly cut ties.  You probably cannot be a "friend" to this person without falling back into purgatory.  If you can move or dramatically change your circumstances, it's easier.  If not, just as with those who have "love addictions," you must stay vigilant and extremely strong to escape.

Dating others and keeping busy really does help.  Not dwelling on your feelings of loneliness also helps.  Convenience and inaction will not get you what you want.  You have to be strong, cut the ties, and keep looking for the One, who is out there somewhere.

When the Bloom is Off the Rose

Everyone knows how exciting a new relationship can be.  Discovering all the little eccentricities of one's newly beloved is wonderful.  But at some point in a relationship, you notice that the cap is off the toothpaste and that your beloved farts.  Does this signal time to move on or time to pick up the pace and try to regain that old magic?
If you have already observed a few warts through the love haze and decided that the person is still worth an investment, just remember "No One is Perfect."  The real question that you must ask yourself is whether you can get comfortable with the flower sans bloom.  The answer, of course, depends on the flower.  Not every romance will culminate in a bouquet.  Sometimes its best to smell the flower and move on.  If the beloved (who at the time is not looking so beloved) demonstrates that he or she cares about you and treats you in a thoughtful, kind, loving manner while revealing his or her not-so-perfect self, it may often pay to hang in there and see what develops.  Only romance junkies, keep discarding every flower they pick in hopes of a  more perfect blossom.

How Big a Deal Is It (or Should It Be)?

Sometimes, after the honeymoon period is over, one of the parties in a relationship will begin to exhibit a trait or habit that really annoys the other person.  It may be a self-involvement thing that does not take the wishes of the other person into consideration.  It may be untidiness, or interrupting, or finishing the other's sentences or any one of a hundred annoyances, large or small.

The first question to be asked is "How big a deal" is the particular annoyance.  If it is an inherent, persistent trait or behavior, it is highly likely that it will not change.  I ascribe to the general maxim of "What you see is what you get" and believe that it is very difficult for adults to modify underlying behavior unless they are strongly motivated to do so.  So if it is a big deal, likely to recur often, and the party who is engaging in this behavior refuses to address and change it,  maybe it is a deal-breaker.


On the other hand, if the behavior does not occur routinely, or if the person is attempting to address it, or if in the scheme of evaluating the suitability of the person as a partner annoyance is not such a big deal, the annoyed partner can decide to just live with it, i.e., tolerate it.  In the end, with the understanding that no one is perfect, only the annoyed person will be able to decide the degree to which the trait, behavior, habit affects the relationship and whether it is a deal-breaker.

To my mind, those traits which involve selfishness, criticism, and jealousy have a far greater potential of being deal-breakers than petty behaviors such as interrupting, not cleaning up, etc, which can all be classified as showing lack of consideration on the offender's part.  However, each person has a threshold of behaviors, traits, attitudes that they cannot tolerate.  The determination as to whether they are deal-breakers must also be balanced against the positive aspects of the other partner and the affection and love that exists in a relationship.  When placed in this perspective, sometimes the annoyances pale in comparison to the positive attributes and benefits of the relationship.  So, before flying off the handle and fighting, take a hard look at the behavior from this perspective, and make your decision.

Loggerheads

All new couples have to learn to communicate clearly.  Eventually big disagreements arise.  Whether or not one will commit to marry, or to have a child, or to move to a new city for the partner's career opportunities are just some of the issues that have the potential of ruining a perfectly viable new relationship.  First off, if the issue presenting arises early in the relationship, exploratory conversations are warranted and both parties should keep an open mind and listen to the other carefully.  Taking the issue of whether the potential partner wants children as an example, the tone, demeanor, and type of consideration the responder gives to the inquiry tells a lot.  If the person confesses that he or she has not really thought much about it, this  is radically different from the response of  "I have thought about this a lot and I don't think that I am parent material."  Whatever the response may be, it is a mistake to immediately go full-tilt boogie into an in-depth conversation on the topic .  The questioner should take some time to digest the response and to formulate their own position on the issue, given the response received.

Whether it be children, commitment or career priorities versus the relationship, the next conversation should focus on whether that is the partner's current position and/or whether it may change in the future.  Since I knew that having children was important to me, I was not willing to pursue relationships with anyone who firmly communicated that they were not interested in having children (although some past boyfriends ultimately did end up having children).  I took their response as being that they were not interested in having children with me and I acted accordingly.  I moved on.  However, when the response was "I'm not interested now, but won't close the door," I pursued the relationship.  "Maybe" was good enough for me.  It may not be for you, but the point here is to flesh out all aspects of your partner's position on the big issue creating the loggerhead and to genuinely explore and communicate what your position and/or revised position might be.

Forty years of experience has demonstrated to me that sometimes these big issues can be worked out.  Couples with enough affection for each other will consider and reconsider making compromises as these loggerhead arise.  Sometimes, however, there are "deal-breakers."  You won't know this, however, unless you bring honesty, clarity and good intentions to a meaningful discussion in a direct manner.  About the worse thing you can do in a relationship is to ignore the big issue(s) and hope that it(they) resolves itself in your favor.  Once you are in a comfortable relationship for a reasonable period of time (say a year), these discussions are appropriate and necessary.  They allow both parties to figure out whether their partner really is "the One."

The Ultimatum

In any serious relationship, there comes a time when a huge disagreement looms.  Early in the dating stages of  a relationship, one partner strongly wants to give the other an ultimatum on some big issue due largely to impatience or insecurity.  In my own case, the person wanted me to stop dating other men (one in particular), and to be exclusive and monogamous in our relationship.  I did not feel ready to make such a commitment.  When the ultimatum was made, I asked him to reconsider -- explaining that if I agreed to it, exclusively committing to him was not something that I was doing of my own volition, but to satisfy him.  If I did not agree, then he would have no choice but to stop seeing me (something I did not think that he really wanted to do and which I did not want him to do) or to back down and withdraw the ultimatum.  By forcing the issue too early, he was risking ending a relationship which had the potential of ultimately leading to serious commitment in the future.  By withdrawing the ultimatum, he risked looking foolish, or at least slightly diminished in his own eyes, as well as mine.  When explained that way, the common sense choice was to reconsider the issuing of a such an ultimatum.

If the person considering issuing an ultimatum on whatever issue views this "either/or" demand in this context, he or she will realize that it does not accomplish what he or she wanted anyway.  They will not feel more reassured, more secure, more loved, i.e. happier, if they get their way because their partner did so under duress.

All of this being said, it is important to communicate the underlying feelings which are driving the desire to give an ultimatum.  Saying that you feel insecure, jealous, devalued,etc., is important so that your partner can attempt to address those feelings.  Also talking with the person to whom the ultimatum is being proposed about their reluctance to take the next step, be it monogamy, speaking to their mother, committing to moving with you, etc., and finding out why they are taking their view will be more fruitful in the long run. This is especially true if the inquiries are made in such a manner that the other person is not immediately put on the defensive.  More about couples being at loggerheads later.

For now, just remember that when you are tempted to issue an ultimatum, don't do it.  Instead think about what is compelling you to want to force an issue at this point in your relationship.  Examine your own motives and communicate your feelings honestly and clearly while making no demands on your partner. You won't be sorry in the long run.