The Influence Bank and How to Spend Your Credit

In the parenting relationship, the parent has only so much control, power, and influence over his or her children, whether they are stubborn and willful or not.  If one is particularly lucky, the child will not realize that the parent  really does not have the ultimate or inherent power over their person and life until the late teen-age years when the child is in a position to make good judgments for themselves.  If, however, the parent is unlucky or has a child that figures out the power dynamic early, parental exertion of power in decision-making and control of the child becomes much more difficult.

The influence bank in that latter situation becomes more critical and parents need to spend their credits wisely.  Continually trying to control a headstrong child's every move and decision will result in physical and emotional exhaustion for both the parent and child resulting in frequent and often unnecessary battles of wills.

Assuming that the goal is to get the child to ultimately make good decisions for himself or herself, parents must pick their battles wisely, and cede decision-making power for minor and unimportant matters to the child herself.  When the child is a toddler, this can take the form of offering "choices."  Smart children get wise to the "choice" option pretty early and realize that it is the parent that is framing the "choices."  When this occurs the only realistic option is to have a personal discussion with full disclosure of the real options. The parent must request for the child to put herself in the parents' place (i.e. routinely demand that the child consider the situation from the parents/ perspective- If you were me, what would you decide?) before decisions are made.  The more that a decision can be framed as one made mutually, the greater the success the parent will have with compliance on the child's part.

Spending you entire influence bank early will leave the parent with no ammunition when the significant battles of will arise.  When the parent makes no attempt to grant the child autonomy even in small matters, the stage is set for defiance on the child's part to every parental direction.  Parents must think before they "lay down the law" as to whether it is really necessary on this occasion. Doing otherwise will result in parents harping and children ignoring the harping.  You only have so many chips, so don't waste them!