The Family Narrative

Aunt Josie was struck by the recent studies showing that children who understand that they are part of a larger whole in terms of family do better academically.  The March 17 Sunday Style section of the New York Times article "The Stories that Bind Us" contains some very provocative information about resilience in children who know about their family history in terms of warding off stress.  Children who could answer such questions as "Do you know where your grandparents grew up?" "Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school?" "Where they met?"  "Do you know about an illness or something terrible that happened to your family?" "Do you know the story of your birth?" scored higher in having a sense of control over their own lives.  They also scored significantly higher in self-esteem. Scoring high on this scale turned out to be the single best predictor of children's emotional health and happiness.

Family histories were classified into three groups: ascendent, descendant and oscillating.  The ascendant narrative is the "your grandparents had nothing, I'm doing better and you will do much better" type of family story.    Descendant is "We used to have it all, but we have been losing everything lately."  Oscillating is "As a family, we have had our ups and downs, but no matter what has happened, we have stuck together as a group".  The article suggests that the oscillating family narrative is the best and most healthful for children.

So what can we take from this.  First, multigenerational families matter.  Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. all contribute to building a sense of family.  Second, children need to hear both the positives and the negatives of the family's experience.  They need to know that they are part of something larger than themselves which will survive.  Finally, anything that creates unity and strong family bonds will help your child in grounding him with respect to his place in the world.  A family theme song, family holiday traditions, kind family jokes, and family reunions now turn out to be important assets helping children decrease stress and survive in an increasingly complex world.  So, promote the family story, it helps children grow.

The First Rule of Grandparenting

Unfortunately one does not become a "grandparent" automatically when one's child has a child.  The grandparent relationship, no matter how much one may desire it, is contingent upon the relationship that the grandparents have with their child (the mother or father of their grandchild) and their child's partner (the other parent of the child).  It is the parents who determine how much time and what type of access the grandparent will have to the the grandchild.  So it behooves every grandparent to establish and maintain a good relationship with their children and their children's spouses and to defer to the decisions of the grandchildren's parents no matter how much the grandparent may disagree with some of those decisions.  (Aunt Josie is still learning in this area also.)

As with most relationships, communication with the parents is paramount.  Refusing to criticize parenting decisions and not undermining or sabotaging parental actions is very important.  Following directions and trying to stay available for babysitting and any other type of assistance that you can offer will also be helpful.  Listening carefully to any objections that your grandchild's parents may have to your behavior without becoming defensive will go a long way too.  Acknowledging that it has been a long time since you were a parent and that parenting methods may have changed gives your child lee-way to trust in your flexibility and ability to follow their directions. 

Finally, remember that you are not the mother or father.  Your loving role is secondary and supplemental to those of the parents.  If you follow these "rules,"  With any luck, your children will allow you to enjoy their children and you will experience the joy that comes from establishing a relationship with that special little person.

The Influence Bank and How to Spend Your Credit

In the parenting relationship, the parent has only so much control, power, and influence over his or her children, whether they are stubborn and willful or not.  If one is particularly lucky, the child will not realize that the parent  really does not have the ultimate or inherent power over their person and life until the late teen-age years when the child is in a position to make good judgments for themselves.  If, however, the parent is unlucky or has a child that figures out the power dynamic early, parental exertion of power in decision-making and control of the child becomes much more difficult.

The influence bank in that latter situation becomes more critical and parents need to spend their credits wisely.  Continually trying to control a headstrong child's every move and decision will result in physical and emotional exhaustion for both the parent and child resulting in frequent and often unnecessary battles of wills.

Assuming that the goal is to get the child to ultimately make good decisions for himself or herself, parents must pick their battles wisely, and cede decision-making power for minor and unimportant matters to the child herself.  When the child is a toddler, this can take the form of offering "choices."  Smart children get wise to the "choice" option pretty early and realize that it is the parent that is framing the "choices."  When this occurs the only realistic option is to have a personal discussion with full disclosure of the real options. The parent must request for the child to put herself in the parents' place (i.e. routinely demand that the child consider the situation from the parents/ perspective- If you were me, what would you decide?) before decisions are made.  The more that a decision can be framed as one made mutually, the greater the success the parent will have with compliance on the child's part.

Spending you entire influence bank early will leave the parent with no ammunition when the significant battles of will arise.  When the parent makes no attempt to grant the child autonomy even in small matters, the stage is set for defiance on the child's part to every parental direction.  Parents must think before they "lay down the law" as to whether it is really necessary on this occasion. Doing otherwise will result in parents harping and children ignoring the harping.  You only have so many chips, so don't waste them!

To Grandparent or Not to Grandparent

Nosy Aunt Josie received a request for  specific advice.  The writer's son is not married to, but has two children with, a person for whom he cares deeply.  She is about to give birth to a third child and there is a question as to whether the child is his.  The son's mother asked whether she should visit immediately or await the results of a paternity test (two days).

Initially Aunt Josie thought that waiting the two days might be the prudent thing to do.  However, on reconsideration, the answer depends on whether the writer's son intends to treat the child as his own no matter the results of the paternity test, whether the writer's son intends to stay with the mother of his other two children, whether the baby's mother needs the support, and whether the son's mother can support this family irrespective of the baby's paternity.  Aunt Josie now votes for going as soon as possible and supporting the new family if the answers to most of the above questions are "Yes."

It should be pointed out that this baby is an innocent born into a complex situation. It could probably use all the love and support it can get, especially from older wiser "grandparents."  Hope this is a better answer.

Having It All

The article in the Atlantic a few weeks ago,  http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020, caused quite a stir in the young mother community.  Aunt Josie has been mulling the impact of it for a some time and concedes that Anne-Marie Slaughter  has a point or two.  Aunt Josie always counseled that you can have it all, but only sequentially.  She is now forced to reconsider this advice. When women had their children in their late twenties, there was still time to recover one's career and advance after the children left home (when the woman was in her late forties).  Now, however, with women choosing to continue their education and/or advance in their careers until their mid to late 30's, Aunt Josie must reluctantly agree with Slaughter that the choice to have children and raise them oneself may now be an either/or proposition in terms of advancing in one's career.

Aunt Josie does disagree with Slaughter on some very significant points.  First, it does matter who one partners with to have and raise children.  Mr. Mom and/or any partner who can and will assume household and child-rearing responsibilities adequately will make one's life significantly easier.  Second, the degree of desire and determination that one has to rise to the top of one's profession is always balanced against what is going on in anyone's personal life.  Both women and men must engage in this balancing act to take care of elderly parents, disabled family members, as well as children.  Slaughter suggests that only women must engage in this balancing act and sacrifice career for family or personal life.  This simply is not the case.

So what is a young, forward thinking woman to do?  First, accept that there is always a balancing act existing between one's (selfish/ personal) choices such as career, education,outside interests, etc., and one's responsibilities to others (family/relationship needs, desires, dictates).  Look ahead and anticipate these conflicts and make general and specific priorities.  Accept that you are not a superwoman, but an everywoman. Build a little time into your life for your own interests. But, in the end, plot your course considering both your interests and those of your family and do not second-guess yourself.

Aunt Josie maintains that if you do this, it is still possible to raise healthy, happy children and engage in meaningful work and outside activities.  Not easy, but certainly not impossible!

The Merits of a Crappy Experience

Most parents want to make their children's lives are as happy as possible.  This is a good thing.  However, trying to shield your child from all discomfort, disappointment and stress is a bad thing.  Your child needs to be able to experience life's disappointments without falling apart or constantly turning to you the parent "to make things okay."

Infants need to know that they can fall, experience some minor discomfort, and deal with the mishap themselves.  "You're okay" is a reassuring way of encouraging the infant or toddler to that he or she is fine and can deal with the discomfort himself.

For the older child, turning the problem back to the child for a solution by asking how he or she plans to deal with it or simply acknowledging that something must be pretty disappointing or embarrassing is sometimes all that is required.

In small increments, children need to learn that they are not entitled to a perfect life, that there will be downs as well as ups, and that they will survive the "downs."  They will not be able to understand this if the parent is constantly shielding the child or solving all of the child's problems.  So, let your children have a crappy experience.  Talk about it with them or give them the privacy and space to deal with it themsleves.  The result will be a self-confident child who does for himself/herself when it is necessary and does not fall apart at the slightest provocation.

Assisting Children in Overcoming their Weaknesses

As children develop, they exhibit certain strengths and weakness.  Like most adults, they usually want to concentrate on activities where they are already competent and have strong skills.  Permitting children to focus, or concentrate exclusively or primarily, on activities where they have already demonstrated mastery or strong skills is, however, a mistake.

Children need to be challenged to leave their comfort zone and to try new things.  They need to be applauded for their attempts, especially when they are unsuccessful initially.  This is the time when it is especially important to encourage them to keep trying. Repeatedly explaining as often as is necessary that  failure followed by more practice is an inherent and intrinsic part of learning is crucial.  Assisting the child to repeat the practice of the skill for as many times as it takes until mastery is achieved is also important.  When the child balks, this can be a very unpleasant part of parenting, but it is your job to insure that your child is well-rounded and developmentally on target.

Older children and teens often become stuck when it comes to overcoming their deficits because of their desire to perform perfectly the first time.  They may be so locked into this attitude that they refuse to attempt any new activity which cannot be accomplished with perfection the first time round. The best remedy for this attitude of "not trying unless I can do it perfect" is parental modeling.  The parent should attempt new activities and show that the world does not end if the endeavor ends in failure.  The parent should demonstrate determination with repeated attempts and practice accompanied by sense of humor until the task or endeavor is accomplished. Then the child sees and understands that success usually does not occur without initial failure and repeated practice attempts.

Whether it is development of gross or small motor skills in a toddler, participating in  sports, musical, or  artistic endeavosr as a grade school or pre-teen child, or the mastering of  a difficult school subject as a teen-ager, the parent must set the standard of expectations.  If you let your child avoid all the "hard" things in life, he or she will not grow up to be an independent whole person.  Aunt Josie is not suggesting that you drive your child perfectionism in all endeavors.  Rather, where a child is impacted by his inability to perform a task or activity that he should be able to accomplish, the parent should make sure that he continues to work on accomplishing the task.

So, tiger mother or father aside, encourage your child to practice and to stick it out when the going gets tough.  You will not regret it in the long run.

Enforcer versus Pushover (For Two-Parent Families)

In many families, one parent is the "enforcer" while the other is the "pushover."  Children very quickly understand which is which and will attempt full on manipulation of the"pushover."  This dynamic is not particularly healthy for either the children or the parents.  Parents should always attempt to discuss and hopefully agree about discipline strategies, what activities are age appropriate for their children, and who is responsible for what chores in the household.  Ideally these discussions take place privately before the children are included so that the parents are on the same page.

If there is no opportunity to discuss the issue in advance and one parent is approached regarding any of the above.  The approached parent should immediately respond with "What does your (mother/father) say?"  Also, if possible, all major decisions should be deferred until the approached parent can consult with the other parent.  Very few decisions require immediate action without consultation.

Another positive strategy is for the parent to turn the tables on the child asking the child if he were the parent what decision would he make.  By consulting with each other and devising appropriate parameters for their children, parents can attempt to escape the extremes of the above-referred to roles.  Allowing the "pushover" to deliver restrictions on occasion and allowing the "enforcer" to be the one to grant a wish shares the duties and fun of parenting.

Giving reasons for the decision, whatever it may be, shows the children that you considered their request seriously and that you as a unit will not act arbitrarily. Parents will enjoy the job more if each gets to be a "pushover" some times and the "enforcer" at other times.  Allowing one parent to always be the killjoy while the other gets to be the playful prince or princess is unfair and will breed resentment between the parents.  Unity is the goal here as it will affect how the child views you both separately and together.

You Never Confide in Me!

This is a common lament made by one party in a caring relationship.  Often, it is a parent who says this to a teenager or adult child when he or she feels "shut out" of that child's life.  It may also be said by one lover to the other in a committed relationship when it looks to the complainer as if his or her partner grants another access to problems or personal information of which the lover was unaware.  What the person making the lament is really saying is "You are moving away from me because you are not sharing these intimate details of your life with me. I am afraid I am losing a close connection with you."

If you feel compelled to make this statement, you should listen very carefully to the addressee's response.  If the response is" I am not telling you because you cannot keep a secret," this is very different from deflection, a shrug, or a candid "I feel more comfortable talking about these things with so and so."  One can try to remedy the former disclosure problem.  However, without a clear reason for why one is not being trusted, all of the responses are much more difficult to deal with.

Whatever the response, a frank discussion of hopes and expectations can never hurt.  Moreover, sharing one's own intimate problems, perceptions, and aspirations (insofar as is age appropriate in the case of a parent) will help you re-establish a degree of intimacy.  Make sure to let the person with whom you hope to maintain that intimacy know that you are "on their side." Also be clear with your loved one that you will always be there for them no matter what they choose to share or keep private.  These two assurances will help to keep the relationship a close one.

More than Two (Children, that is)

Aunt Josie received an indirect query about the advisability of having more than two children.  Her answer is a resounding "It depends." 

It mostly depends on how needy the two children that you currently have are.  It also depends on the parents' resources, both emotional and economic.  Finally, it depends on your world view and view of family.  Aunt Josie would be remiss if she did not at least mention ZPG (Zero Population Growth) as a concept, but she also realizes that some people should parent larger families and have the wherewithal to do so.  How much love, energy, and enthusiasm do you have?  Also, it is unfair to expect your older children to help you parent the third.  If the parents are confident that they can handle three, having the third is a much more viable option.

Can you re-read the "Little Engine that Could" for the third time with gusto for that third child?  Looking at your first-born with unbiased eyes, will he or she be harmed by your having to devote more attention to that third child.  The first and second born will be held back slightly as the parents attention rightly focuses on the new-born to the detriment of supporting and arranging for the older children's activities.  Aunt Josie says to "go for it" only if you are convinced that your older children will not be harmed and you, the parents, have what it takes to spread yourselves a little thinner in addressing the needs of three children.

Dependence versus Independence

There is a dance in which children and their parents participate where children exhibit dependent and independent behaviors as they grow.  It is challenging to know how to deal with the child from moment to moment and when to foster one type of behavior over another.  For example, when it comes to safety issues for young children, encouraging reliance on parental judgment is a good thing.  However, when it comes to peer interactions, the opposite holds true.

It is important to understand that as your child grows, he or she will often exhibit both types of behaviors, sometimes at the same time.  This is especially true during toddlerhood and the teenage years.  Don't be too quick to reinforce either behavior prior to analyzing what is most beneficial to the child at that stage.  However, generally speaking, it is better to err on the side of encouraging independence as the child matures.  The toddler who does not want to leave mom and join in the play with the other three year olds should be encouraged to engage in play.  The high school student who is afraid to take his driving test for fear of failure or because he or she does not feel quite comfortable in driving around town should be encouraged to acquire his or her license.  In both instances, it may be easier for the parent to simply defer and permit the child to follow his natural inclination to hold back.  But is it healthy for the child's overall development?  You may have to remind the child that he or she needs to make decisions by and for himself because you will not always be around.  You may even want to limit your assistance in the thinking process.  Figure out what is best for the long-term development of the child, keeping in mind that the the goal is a happy, healthy, resilient adult.

Love is Not Exclusive! You do not have to Choose!

Aunt Josie received another inquiry from a person having trouble with his adult daughter.  Having lost his partner to death about a year ago, he waited a reasonable period of time  and then commenced looking for another companion.  Having found someone (here Aunt Josie, in the interest of fairness, must disclose that this someone is a friend of hers), he wants to introduce her to his daughter and grandchildren.  His daughter won't return his calls or e-mails and by this behavior has made it pretty clear that she will not meet his new friend.

The inquirer asks what to do.  First, be patient with your daughter recognizing that it takes varied periods of time for some people grieve and let go sufficiently to entertain the possibility of their parents seeking and entering a new relationship.  Second, rather than resenting her refusal, acknowledging her feelings and reassuring her that you love her and her children and that they will not be displaced is crucial.  Third, although she is an adult, continue to explain that love need not be exclusive and that you tried to accept the people she brought home as partners, mates, etc.  Fourth, continue to reiterate that you are entitled to companionship, romance, and love just as she is.  You could also reassure her that you are not replacing her mother and her with the new relationship but that you are continuing on with your adult life.

When your friend does visit, continue to contact your daughter and invite her to meet your friend.  Suggest coffee or an activity that will be brief so that your daughter can choose to come and then leave after a short period of time.  Also, point out that her refusal to respond is depriving you of a relationship with your granddaughters.  Even if the "meet" does not happen on this occasion, stay calm and open.  It may just be too early and you definitely should not force anything between your friend and your daughter.  Also you should not view this situation as compelling you to make a choice between your friend and your daughter.  Time, communicating clearly, and patience will help ultimately resolve this problem for you.  Good luck!

Security

No matter what one's age is --from infant to old person--human beings need to feel secure.  They need to feel secure in the love of the people who care for them or who are the closest to them.  If you cannot make your child or elderly parent secure in your love, caring, and interest in their well-being, the child will not develop properly and the elder will not be able to relax and prosper.

Providing a partner with a sense of security, i.e., assurance that they are loved and cared for above everyone,  is an intrinsic component to a happy, long-term, intimate relationship.  No one wants to open up and share their most innermost thoughts and history with someone whom they do not trust.  Allowing your partner to always know that you love them and proving by your actions that you are there for them gives them the freedom to truly reveal who they are and to enjoy the relationship to the maximum.  Offering this type of security to your child will result in an emotionally strong, caring, confident young adult.  Reassuring an elderly person that you will always be there gives them peace of mind and frees them from unnecessary worries about what will happen to them in the future.  So, if you love someone, commit, and reassure them that you will be there for the long haul!

One and Only One

For any number of reasons, but primarily because child-bearing is occurring later and later in life and it takes greater financial and emotional resources to raise more than one child in today's modern era, many parents are opting to have an only child.  While the decision can obviously be defended on any number of levels, I believe this to be a great mistake for both parents and the child.

First there is a tendency on the part of as many as six individuals (2 parents and 4 grandparents) to focus inordinate attention on the single child.  Being the center of that much attention is not so healthy in and of itself.  Second, when there are more children in the family, a sibling can serve as a life-long companion and friend.  Regardless of whether the child finds a mate, a sibling (and the power of that sibling bond) can validate many family and life experiences and create a sense of security and family long after the parents have died.  In short, the child is not left alone and lonely.

Finally, with a sibling, there is someone to share the burden of caring for parents once the child is an adult and the parents become elderly.  It's a cruel world out there and caring parents should think long and hard about the danger implicit in creating a situation where the child is "someone's everything." Being "everything," be it the focus of too much attention and spoiling when he or she is younger or the sole support of aging parents when he or she is older, is a hardship.  Living up to these "great expectations" without another sibling to share them can be onerous on many levels, not just the psychological/emotional and financial levels.  China's "one child" policy has proven instructive in this regard.

So do yourself and your child a favor by giving him a brother or sister to love and with whom he can share life's journey.  You won't regret it!

Resilience

Great article in the Atlantic about raising your children to be resilient. http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/8555/  It is natural for concerned parents to want their child to have a perfect life.  They want to protect the child from all of life's little disappointments and smooth away all difficulties.  Big mistake!  Results in "teapot" young adults who are so fragile they crack at the first adult stresses or, worse, continue to lean on you, the parents, for life.

Baby X - So What!

About the Toronto couple who named their baby "Storm" and refuse to disclose Storm's gender. http://articles.cnn.com/2011-06-02/opinion/rose.gender_1_gender-specific-girls-and-boys-toronto-parents?_s=PM:OPINION  Nothing new here folks.  Thirty four years ago, those of us who considered ourselves feminists wondered if we should, could do the same with our children.  One friend went so far as to insist that I buy dresses for my baby boy.  Science has come a long way in the 34 years.  We've learned that Baby Storm will very shortly after birth most likely start behaving as a baby of whatever gender he/she is (with a few exceptions).  What is more important than keeping the gender a secret, is presenting all options in toys and play irrespective of the baby's sex. Treating the child's preferences with respect and encouraging exploration without labeling behaviors and expressions as male or female is the way to go. In other words, parents should laud and cultivate the "Free to Be You and Me"  http://www.freetobefoundation.org or this video of the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_26FOHoaC78 attitude.

Reinforcement (Both Positive and Negative)

Children, no matter what their age, are usually open to new experiences.  This is especially true when it comes to food.  It is a serious mistake for parents to censor or comment upon a child's dislikes when the child has perhaps rejected a food one time.  I have often observed the food on the way to the child's mouth or even in the child's mouth when the parent comments that "she doesn't like that" and the morsel is immediately rejected.   Other negative parental declarations can  negatively impact the child's opinion of himself.  For example: "He's afraid of dogs!"  "She's shy!"  "She's afraid of heights!", when heard and internalized by the child, all serve to limit the child's experiences rather than to encourage exploration and development of an adventurous attitude.

It is far better to allow the child to genuinely taste something new.  If it is rejected, acceptance of the rejection can be accompanied by an explanation that your tastes change quite a bit and that you expect them to taste something at least five or six times before they form a definite like or dislike.  Also positive parental observations, even if they stretch the current reality, such as "Amy is a good eater." encourage the child to live up to that attribute.

How much better it is to explain to a child that she or he may be afraid of that particular dog because he is big or barking or whatever rather than to categorize one or two experiences with dogs into the conclusion that the child is afraid of all dogs.  If the child does indeed continue to show fear of all dogs, the concerned parent can make sure that the child has a positive experience with a small affectionate dog and build from there.

Fears such as fear of heights can also be tackled in similar fashion.  You can explain to the child that this particular height at this time is a little scary but that as he grows, he probably will not be so afraid.  What not to do is to insist that the child overcome his fear immediately because that may reinforce and cement those feelings.

Encouraging, but not insisting upon new experiences, lets the child know that it is okay to explore and then form his own opinion about something.  He should feel secure knowing that he can reject a taste or an activity without repercussions.  But he should also know that he may be asked to taste something again or to interact with an animal or person again and that he may feel differently the second, third or fifth time around.

It is true that some children are more naturally curious, or timid, or sensitive.  A discerning parent will work with the personality type to make sure the child's world keeps expanding.  The parent knows the best way to introduce new experiences for the child's personality type, but the key is to keep reinforcing the positive.  If you genuinely believe that your children are, or will be good eaters, they will try to live up to that reputation.

If you encourage exploration while providing security, the child will most likely allow its natural curiosity to emerge.  You set the stage and then let your child star in the drama that is his or her own life.

Empathy

Anyone who has observed a toddler of two understands the innate self-centeredness that is part of the developmental picture at this age.   There are, however, also glimmers of true selflessness in the child of that age.  The 17-month old offering you a morsel of his food or wanting you to take a toy with which he is playing demonstrates that very young children are capable of empathy.  There is, among the psychologists, some disagreement as to whether empathy is inherent or a skill to be learned.  In any case, it is a trait to be fostered and nourished  as early as practicable with the child.  Two years of age is not too early to try to get the child to see things from another person's perspective.  "How would you feel if Tony had the ball and would not let you play with it?"  "You hurt Mommy when you bit her!  How would you feel if Mommy bit you?" are simple comments that you can make to try to get the child to see the other person's position.

If you keep pushing the child to put herself in the other person's place from age 2 up, she will eventually automatically take the other person's view into consideration in her behavior.  At nine or ten years of age, she will be able to understand where the teacher and other authority figures are coming from.  By 11 or 12 years of age, she will have the ability to analyze every situation from other points of view.  Why, you ask, should your child need to have this skill? How necessary is it in a society that values the individual and individual achievement over collectivism, working together, and group accomplishment.?

The answer is two-fold.  Without empathy, children continue to believe that the world revolves around them and turn into selfish, self-centered, little tyrants.  With empathy (the true ability to identify with the other person), they learn to share, to address the needs of others, and to feel genuine connections with others. And the decisions they make as a result are made in a deeper and more substantive context with a stronger sense of consequence.

From a pragmatic point of view, you will need every shred of empathy that you have nourished in your child to survive the teen-age years.  Not seeing the big picture and being focused on self is a natural part of being a teenager.  When your child asks for permission to do something or for a privilege, rather than responding immediately, it is prudent to turn the question back onto them.  You could say something like "let's not talk about this now.  I will think if I was a 16 year old boy (14 year old girl) why this would be important to me. You, however, must try to put yourself in my place, and tell me if you were the mother (or father) whether you would really permit me do to such and such.  Let's talk in a hour."  Initially, the teen will start out arguing that he or she would indeed grant permission if they were the parent.  However, if you employ this technique consistently forcing the child to look at things from your point of view, you will have better luck getting him or her to accede to your ultimate decision.  Furthermore, as young adults, they will be able to put themselves in the customer's shoes, the employer's shoes, the boyfriend or girlfriend's shoes, etc. as they attempt to function in the complexities presented by the real world away from parental protection.

The real reward for fostering and encouraging empathy in your child is really simple.  They will develop into  caring people.  You will hear that you have the nicest children. To my mind, this is just about the greatest compliment of all.

Independence

From the moment of birth, parenting is a continual process of letting go.  It is the parents' job to start giving the child its freedom and independence in a controlled, loving, prudent, unfolding manner.  It is natural for its loving parents to seek to protect the child from all harm and adversity.  However, over-protection can sometimes be observed even hours after the child is born.  From the reluctance to allow others to hold the baby to an excessive concern about exposing the baby to dirt and germs, the seeds of overprotection are often present during the first few days of a newborn's life.  New parents want to control everything in the child's environment so that it has a "perfect" existence. The parents in their hearts know that this is impossible, but nevertheless seek to keep their child safe, existing in a blissful cocoon of dependence.  This impulse on the parent's part must be recognized, acknowledged, and firmly quashed if the child is to blossom and become a resilient little person.

When the baby is born, the parents are basically living its entire life for it.  They do everything from feeding, dressing and lulling to sleep to controlling the terms of  interaction with other people. All activities from naps to play dates are arranged and directed by the parents.  But as the child develops, the goal should be to turn more and more of the child's life back over to him or her as they show evidence that they are competent to handle more and more complex decisions for themselves.  If done well, by the time the child is 17 or 18, the parent will have handed over 95% of the control over the child's life to the child and the child will be a capable, independent, young adult.

Whenever, there is a question as to whether a child is ready for some activity, action, etc., there is a choice on the parents' part.  They can make the decision from a protective perspective or they can allow the child some autonomy.  Erring in favor of independence, while at times hair-raising, generally results in competent, can-do types of children.  Always sharing the rationale for your decisions when you decide the child is not ready to decide for him or herself or to take the next step helps to teach the child how to analyze problems.  Asking the child what he or she thinks or to explain why they want to take the course of action that they are demanding to take also assists both the parent and child in letting the child separate.

It is difficult to refrain from interfering when you see your child making the wrong decision.  It is miserable to let your child suffer the consequences of a mistake that she has made.  But to grow and develop, children need to stop relying upon the parents and to start making decisions for themselves.  How else will they learn these skills if they are never given the opportunity to make decisions and to live with the consequences?

As you hold that beautiful baby in your arms.  Begin to let go.  Realize as Kahlil Gibran said in The Prophet,  "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you."

If you do let go a little, your child will not break, but develop into the person you want them to be. So allow them to fall from the first step when they are learning to climb the stairs.  Let them make small mistakes.  Your reward will be in seeing the pleasure of genuine accomplishment in their eyes when they master something without your help with their own skills on their very own terms.  What do you think?