How Big a Deal Is It (or Should It Be)?

Sometimes, after the honeymoon period is over, one of the parties in a relationship will begin to exhibit a trait or habit that really annoys the other person.  It may be a self-involvement thing that does not take the wishes of the other person into consideration.  It may be untidiness, or interrupting, or finishing the other's sentences or any one of a hundred annoyances, large or small.

The first question to be asked is "How big a deal" is the particular annoyance.  If it is an inherent, persistent trait or behavior, it is highly likely that it will not change.  I ascribe to the general maxim of "What you see is what you get" and believe that it is very difficult for adults to modify underlying behavior unless they are strongly motivated to do so.  So if it is a big deal, likely to recur often, and the party who is engaging in this behavior refuses to address and change it,  maybe it is a deal-breaker.


On the other hand, if the behavior does not occur routinely, or if the person is attempting to address it, or if in the scheme of evaluating the suitability of the person as a partner annoyance is not such a big deal, the annoyed partner can decide to just live with it, i.e., tolerate it.  In the end, with the understanding that no one is perfect, only the annoyed person will be able to decide the degree to which the trait, behavior, habit affects the relationship and whether it is a deal-breaker.

To my mind, those traits which involve selfishness, criticism, and jealousy have a far greater potential of being deal-breakers than petty behaviors such as interrupting, not cleaning up, etc, which can all be classified as showing lack of consideration on the offender's part.  However, each person has a threshold of behaviors, traits, attitudes that they cannot tolerate.  The determination as to whether they are deal-breakers must also be balanced against the positive aspects of the other partner and the affection and love that exists in a relationship.  When placed in this perspective, sometimes the annoyances pale in comparison to the positive attributes and benefits of the relationship.  So, before flying off the handle and fighting, take a hard look at the behavior from this perspective, and make your decision.

The Window

There is a window in young lives when most people find "the one" and start building a future together.  There are some, however, who disregard this window altogether.  They do so because they genuinely believe that anything is possible and that they need not worry about the future or because they cannot find anyone who meets all of their criteria, or because they are involved in a romantic-exotic-troubled relationship.  This is especially true for young women who may ignore their "reproductive clocks,"  nesting-/home building instincts,  the drive to mature and establish roots.   The person may be reluctant to abandon an unsuitable partner because they have invested substantial time and emotional capital into the relationship. Even knowing that the relationship will not withstand the vagaries of real commitment, they allow even more time to elapse during the crucial window without abandoning that partner and looking for someone more suitable.

Good things, especially in the self-awareness department, can sometimes come from these exotic romances.  But a young person involved in this type of relationship, which she knows deep-down will prove ultimately  unfullfilling and  unsuccessful, should hedge her bets.  If you are a woman who is fairly certain that you want children, but are not certain that the man you are seeing is the "one," serious consideration should be given to culling and freezing your eggs during your early to mid thirties.

An even better hedge is to forswear exclusivity and to keep dating others-- being honest with the person with whom you are having the exotic relationship. Your honesty about why you do not wish to be exclusive will give you and your partner greater insight as to what your relationship really means and how deep it is.

Rather than hedging, you may simply choose to wait without a partner.  This leaves you available when a suitable candidate does appear.  Clearly one can be concerned about not finding the right person during the window, but being involved with the wrong person throughout the entire window period and /or accumulating lots of emotional baggage during that time, only exacerbates the problem.

You can extend you own "window" by making yourself the most interesting attractive person that you can be and leaving yourself as emotionally free as possible.  Being involved with a person who is not going to end up the "one" when you have made a serious investment narrows opportunity and leaves you depleted for acting when someone with true potential arrives.  So, don't dawdle forever when it is apparent that the relationship is not going where you want it to go.  Hedge your bets if you can, or better yet, improve prospects by staying relatively free to respond when someone with genuine potential appears.

Pointing Out the Positive

We do not hesitate to reinforce positive actions when we observe them in children.  This is "good job"/"way to go"- type praise.  However, praise or just plain appreciation is not given to our partners when they have been particularly helpful or considerate.  Merely acknowledging that their assistance during a time of stress or their actions in facilitating something that is important to you have not gone unnoticed goes a long way in building a relationship.  When we are in a pattern where we are quick to criticize our partners, orally communicating our gratefulness for thoughtful actions is even more important.  So, take the time to tell your partner that her/his little thoughtful act has been noticed and appreciated.  It can only enhance how you both feel about each other.

The Plan

 People do not appear to agree about having a "Plan."  While some people have their life goals carefully mapped out and follow the general instructions to accomplish these goals strictly, the vast majority of us live from day to day or minute to minute.  Neither way achieves optimum results.

Other than the elderly, who in many senses are forced to live day to day, it is a very good idea for the rest of us to have a "Plan."  This can easily be achieved by relaxing and trying to envision where you want to be five years from the present.  Letting your imagination take you to the optimum situation five years out provides an excellent starting point in relieving the stress that indecision can bring.  Once  you can formulate your goals, you can then map a path to achieving them.

The map should, however, be flexible and allow for many detours because what happens randomly in life is often interesting and worth pursuing.  There may even come a time when the goal and the map to to the goal change rather dramatically.  The point is that most of us should have tangible goals and develop life strategies for accomplishing them.  Even if the goals change radically in the course of pursuing a desired objective, you will be in a more interesting space/place and probably have acquired useful insights into yourself and your desires in the process.  More about the "Plan" later.