How Big a Deal Is It (or Should It Be)?

Sometimes, after the honeymoon period is over, one of the parties in a relationship will begin to exhibit a trait or habit that really annoys the other person.  It may be a self-involvement thing that does not take the wishes of the other person into consideration.  It may be untidiness, or interrupting, or finishing the other's sentences or any one of a hundred annoyances, large or small.

The first question to be asked is "How big a deal" is the particular annoyance.  If it is an inherent, persistent trait or behavior, it is highly likely that it will not change.  I ascribe to the general maxim of "What you see is what you get" and believe that it is very difficult for adults to modify underlying behavior unless they are strongly motivated to do so.  So if it is a big deal, likely to recur often, and the party who is engaging in this behavior refuses to address and change it,  maybe it is a deal-breaker.


On the other hand, if the behavior does not occur routinely, or if the person is attempting to address it, or if in the scheme of evaluating the suitability of the person as a partner annoyance is not such a big deal, the annoyed partner can decide to just live with it, i.e., tolerate it.  In the end, with the understanding that no one is perfect, only the annoyed person will be able to decide the degree to which the trait, behavior, habit affects the relationship and whether it is a deal-breaker.

To my mind, those traits which involve selfishness, criticism, and jealousy have a far greater potential of being deal-breakers than petty behaviors such as interrupting, not cleaning up, etc, which can all be classified as showing lack of consideration on the offender's part.  However, each person has a threshold of behaviors, traits, attitudes that they cannot tolerate.  The determination as to whether they are deal-breakers must also be balanced against the positive aspects of the other partner and the affection and love that exists in a relationship.  When placed in this perspective, sometimes the annoyances pale in comparison to the positive attributes and benefits of the relationship.  So, before flying off the handle and fighting, take a hard look at the behavior from this perspective, and make your decision.