Familial Expectations and How to Deal with Them

The role of family in the development of the person can never be underestimated.  Who the family is, how strong the interpersonal relationships are (be they positive or negative), the reputation of the family, how it functions or fails to function, and who controls the interactions will all impact on an individual member.  Culture also contributes to the familial expectations and attitudes of the family as a group, along with those of the individual members of the family. People from different cultures would do well to understand the underlying differences in perspective and world view when they consider marrying into a family with a different view of exactly who is included in the immediate family. There may also be a different view of the extent of filial and extended family obligations, financial support, child care, etc.  Aunt Josie's husband, who came from a very American individual nuclear family situation, spent many years attempting to understand and fit into her close extended Italian-American family.

What one's role in the family is, who should be included in the immediate family, and how one should behave with various family members may differ from family to family (and culture to culture) depending on who is marrying into which family.  Starting with the wedding, preceding through the birth of the first child, and continuing into taking care of elderly family members and children, family expectations may range from the total inclusion of grandparents, great aunts and uncles, first, second, and third cousins to inclusion of just the nuclear unit of husband-wife-children.  Aunt Josie strongly disagrees with the advice of most self help columnists which put the couple and their needs first.

This may work for those who hail from a White Anglo-Saxon cultural heritage who grew up in the "Leave it to Beaver" type of family where the nuclear family is considered the primary family, because the parents of the couple will see and respect the formation of the new family unit.  It may, however,  fail with many families from cultures where the extended family is viewed as primary.  Hispanic American families and those from certain Asian, African and Mediterranean cultures may view the success and prosperity of the extended family as more important than the achievement and happiness of any small nuclear unit within the family.  That is why refusing to "lend" money to a needy member of the extended family, not allowing a grandparent or great aunt opportunity to "babysit" or engage in frequent childcare, or always subordinating the desires of the mother/grandmother to those of the wife in an extended family can have serious repercussions and effects upon the ultimate happiness of those in the nuclear unit.  These is especially the case if they are constantly butting up against, and not living up to, the cultural expectations of those in the extended family.

Aunt Josie is not saying that the cultural expectations of the extended family should always prevail.  Rather, she says that the newest members of such a family will do much better in the long run to learn what the cultural expectations are, to decide where and when they can accommodate them and to explain to and communicate with the members of the family when this is not possible.  You will save yourself lots of heartache and family strife if you take the needs of the extended family into consideration.