Enforcer versus Pushover (For Two-Parent Families)

In many families, one parent is the "enforcer" while the other is the "pushover."  Children very quickly understand which is which and will attempt full on manipulation of the"pushover."  This dynamic is not particularly healthy for either the children or the parents.  Parents should always attempt to discuss and hopefully agree about discipline strategies, what activities are age appropriate for their children, and who is responsible for what chores in the household.  Ideally these discussions take place privately before the children are included so that the parents are on the same page.

If there is no opportunity to discuss the issue in advance and one parent is approached regarding any of the above.  The approached parent should immediately respond with "What does your (mother/father) say?"  Also, if possible, all major decisions should be deferred until the approached parent can consult with the other parent.  Very few decisions require immediate action without consultation.

Another positive strategy is for the parent to turn the tables on the child asking the child if he were the parent what decision would he make.  By consulting with each other and devising appropriate parameters for their children, parents can attempt to escape the extremes of the above-referred to roles.  Allowing the "pushover" to deliver restrictions on occasion and allowing the "enforcer" to be the one to grant a wish shares the duties and fun of parenting.

Giving reasons for the decision, whatever it may be, shows the children that you considered their request seriously and that you as a unit will not act arbitrarily. Parents will enjoy the job more if each gets to be a "pushover" some times and the "enforcer" at other times.  Allowing one parent to always be the killjoy while the other gets to be the playful prince or princess is unfair and will breed resentment between the parents.  Unity is the goal here as it will affect how the child views you both separately and together.

You Never Confide in Me!

This is a common lament made by one party in a caring relationship.  Often, it is a parent who says this to a teenager or adult child when he or she feels "shut out" of that child's life.  It may also be said by one lover to the other in a committed relationship when it looks to the complainer as if his or her partner grants another access to problems or personal information of which the lover was unaware.  What the person making the lament is really saying is "You are moving away from me because you are not sharing these intimate details of your life with me. I am afraid I am losing a close connection with you."

If you feel compelled to make this statement, you should listen very carefully to the addressee's response.  If the response is" I am not telling you because you cannot keep a secret," this is very different from deflection, a shrug, or a candid "I feel more comfortable talking about these things with so and so."  One can try to remedy the former disclosure problem.  However, without a clear reason for why one is not being trusted, all of the responses are much more difficult to deal with.

Whatever the response, a frank discussion of hopes and expectations can never hurt.  Moreover, sharing one's own intimate problems, perceptions, and aspirations (insofar as is age appropriate in the case of a parent) will help you re-establish a degree of intimacy.  Make sure to let the person with whom you hope to maintain that intimacy know that you are "on their side." Also be clear with your loved one that you will always be there for them no matter what they choose to share or keep private.  These two assurances will help to keep the relationship a close one.

Inertia

While many people believe that inertia, or the inability to act, is the result of laziness or depression, a much more likely explanation is fear.  Being afraid of the results of one's actions or simply fearing to take any action can lead to a paralysis that is often mistaken for laziness, procrastination, or simple avoidance.  Aunt Josie thinks that the most effective remedy is to get off one's derriere and to take a simple action, any action will do.  It need not be earth-shattering or in fact the correct action.  Just doing often brings clarity and insight into why one has been afraid to take a step or make a move and will hopefully permit the person to escape this disabling condition and get on with one's life decisions.