The Merits of a Crappy Experience

Most parents want to make their children's lives are as happy as possible.  This is a good thing.  However, trying to shield your child from all discomfort, disappointment and stress is a bad thing.  Your child needs to be able to experience life's disappointments without falling apart or constantly turning to you the parent "to make things okay."

Infants need to know that they can fall, experience some minor discomfort, and deal with the mishap themselves.  "You're okay" is a reassuring way of encouraging the infant or toddler to that he or she is fine and can deal with the discomfort himself.

For the older child, turning the problem back to the child for a solution by asking how he or she plans to deal with it or simply acknowledging that something must be pretty disappointing or embarrassing is sometimes all that is required.

In small increments, children need to learn that they are not entitled to a perfect life, that there will be downs as well as ups, and that they will survive the "downs."  They will not be able to understand this if the parent is constantly shielding the child or solving all of the child's problems.  So, let your children have a crappy experience.  Talk about it with them or give them the privacy and space to deal with it themsleves.  The result will be a self-confident child who does for himself/herself when it is necessary and does not fall apart at the slightest provocation.

The Dance

Everyone in an adult relationship must engage in "the dance."  By the dance, Aunt Josie means getting one's emotional needs met while helping to fulfill your partner's emotional needs.  As in a real dance, at times one leads and the other follows.  But unlike most real life dances, for the dance to be successful, the partners must switch off in who leads and who follows.  For this to go well, there must be communication and signals which can be readily interpreted so that the couple does not stop dancing and descend into "But I thought your said....and I know I said this but I really meant that, etc."

Just as with a ball room dance, initially couples are clumsy.  But if they stay with it, really make an attempt to learn the signals and the techniques required for the dance, eventually they can glide across the floor (i.e., navigate the ups and downs that real life presents) with a degree of skill and savvy which at some point becomes second nature.

Give and take, lead and follow, support and venture out alone, enjoy the dance without misgivings.  It is a fascinating part of adult life that makes us more fully human.

Assisting Children in Overcoming their Weaknesses

As children develop, they exhibit certain strengths and weakness.  Like most adults, they usually want to concentrate on activities where they are already competent and have strong skills.  Permitting children to focus, or concentrate exclusively or primarily, on activities where they have already demonstrated mastery or strong skills is, however, a mistake.

Children need to be challenged to leave their comfort zone and to try new things.  They need to be applauded for their attempts, especially when they are unsuccessful initially.  This is the time when it is especially important to encourage them to keep trying. Repeatedly explaining as often as is necessary that  failure followed by more practice is an inherent and intrinsic part of learning is crucial.  Assisting the child to repeat the practice of the skill for as many times as it takes until mastery is achieved is also important.  When the child balks, this can be a very unpleasant part of parenting, but it is your job to insure that your child is well-rounded and developmentally on target.

Older children and teens often become stuck when it comes to overcoming their deficits because of their desire to perform perfectly the first time.  They may be so locked into this attitude that they refuse to attempt any new activity which cannot be accomplished with perfection the first time round. The best remedy for this attitude of "not trying unless I can do it perfect" is parental modeling.  The parent should attempt new activities and show that the world does not end if the endeavor ends in failure.  The parent should demonstrate determination with repeated attempts and practice accompanied by sense of humor until the task or endeavor is accomplished. Then the child sees and understands that success usually does not occur without initial failure and repeated practice attempts.

Whether it is development of gross or small motor skills in a toddler, participating in  sports, musical, or  artistic endeavosr as a grade school or pre-teen child, or the mastering of  a difficult school subject as a teen-ager, the parent must set the standard of expectations.  If you let your child avoid all the "hard" things in life, he or she will not grow up to be an independent whole person.  Aunt Josie is not suggesting that you drive your child perfectionism in all endeavors.  Rather, where a child is impacted by his inability to perform a task or activity that he should be able to accomplish, the parent should make sure that he continues to work on accomplishing the task.

So, tiger mother or father aside, encourage your child to practice and to stick it out when the going gets tough.  You will not regret it in the long run.