Making Concessions and Maintaining the Family

A young mother of two posed the following problem for Aunt Josie and her friends to consider: 

Her mother, a widow of approximately five years, had been a very involved grandmother to the young mother's two children.  The young mother's sister, who was also expecting, anticipated that this would be the case with her children.

Then Grandmother met a man and became romantically involved.   She gave this new relationship top priority and advised both daughters that the new relationship came first.  Neither daughter likes Grandmother's new guy.  Grandmother has ceased lavishing attention on any grandchildren and is wrapped up in the new romance.  In the young mother's view, Grandmother has opted out of grand-parenting. She does not visit often.  When the young mother attempted to visit Grandmother, the significant other was there at all times and very little attention was paid ( in the young mother's opinion) to the grandchildren.  The young mother and her sister are despondent about the state of things and request advice.

Aunt Josie can see both sides of this situation.  She believes that Grandmother is entitled to a separate, and yes, exciting romantic relationship that will in fact have implications as to the amount of time devoted to the grandchildren.  The best strategy for young mother and her sister is to realize that the new guy is important to their mother, accept him, and integrate him into their family as best they can.  If they love and care about their mother, they will accept her partner notwithstanding qualms or reservations about him, unless they are well-founded with some factual basis behind them. 

Once this has been accomplished, young mother and her sister, should meet with their mother either by themselves or with the assistance of a therapist to have a frank discussion about their disappointment with the quantity and quality of time that she is spending with the grandchildren.  They should point out how much they love her and thank her for what she has already contributed in the care and raising of young mother's children.  However, the primary thrust of this conversation should be the fact that children are only young for a very short time and missed opportunities in bonding with them and establishing a relationship cannot easily be recovered at a later date.  They can ask Grandmother to set aside some special time with each grandchild, or set of grandchildren, and explain how important this is to them and their children.

Having said all of this, Aunt Josie also advises the young mother who requested the advice to remember two other important emotional dictums.  First, you cannot compel someone to love your children, but you can continue to set the stage for inclusion and involvement by your mother, if you can deal with and contain your disappointment when it does not proceed as you hope it will.  Second, if you genuinely make attempts to include Grandmother's guy and continue to offer opportunities for inter-action with your children, at some point, Grandmother just might "get it!"

I throw this problem open to comment from the other members of Aunt Josie's virtual coffee klatsch.

Aim High

Speaking with a recent college graduate, Aunt Josie asked what her future career plans were.  The young college grad shrugged and indicated that she really did not know how to go about looking for a meaningful career in the area for which she had received a degree.  Aunt Josie then asked her to identify her fantasy career five or six years into the future.  This, the grad could imagine readily.  Aunt Josie then asked whether the young woman could think of any intermediate steps toward achieving her career goals.  With some prodding, at least two preliminary measures were identified.  After the two preliminary measures were identified, other supplemental activities easily arose in the mind of the young graduate.

After a serious discussion on the practicalities of arranging to take the necessary steps, where there was once an attitude of resigned impotence, there was now an attitude of hopeful anticipation.

What can be learned from this.  Aunt Josie believes that all young people should shoot high when it comes to career goals.  They should all have a  five-year plan or path laid out as to how to accomplish a portion of their future goal.  Any grandiose goal can be broken into much smaller parts or facets that are more easily accomplished.  Furthermore, the mere act of attempting to accomplish a portion of one's goal will lead a person into a different place from which an entirely novel or different goal or perspective may emerge.

The master plan, itself, is not half as important as as merely escaping the paralysis negative thinking which accompany inaction.  Plans can change, but without a plan it is difficult to motivate oneself to accomplish any important career-related task.  If a young person continues to free-float aimlessly, the chances of waking up and working towards something tangible become less and less.  So, think big, start small, but start!  You won't regret it.

Teen Impatience

Young adults often believe that their parents (and most other adults) are stupid and boring.  Probably since the beginning of the stage of life known as adolescence, this has been a common sentiment of the young.  It may also very well be true in many instances as older adults can often be dumb and/or boring.  It is perfectly okay for a teenager to feel this way.

What is not okay, however, is for the young to voice this opinion to their elders, to address them sarcastically, and to treat their elders with contempt.  Good manners, consideration for others, and just plain self-interest dictate that the young person keep his/her opinion to himself/herself.  No adult likes to be challenged in this regard by a "young smartypants."  Showing contempt for another does not win one accolades from that person or other adults observing the inter-action.  Furthermore it is just mean behavior on the part of the young person.

So, the savvy teen feels what they feel, but keeps it to his or herself.  He/she is regarded as thoughtful, nice,  polite and compassionate.  That is a far better reputation to have than one as a surly, know-it all, kid.  Enough said.

The Family Narrative

Aunt Josie was struck by the recent studies showing that children who understand that they are part of a larger whole in terms of family do better academically.  The March 17 Sunday Style section of the New York Times article "The Stories that Bind Us" contains some very provocative information about resilience in children who know about their family history in terms of warding off stress.  Children who could answer such questions as "Do you know where your grandparents grew up?" "Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school?" "Where they met?"  "Do you know about an illness or something terrible that happened to your family?" "Do you know the story of your birth?" scored higher in having a sense of control over their own lives.  They also scored significantly higher in self-esteem. Scoring high on this scale turned out to be the single best predictor of children's emotional health and happiness.

Family histories were classified into three groups: ascendent, descendant and oscillating.  The ascendant narrative is the "your grandparents had nothing, I'm doing better and you will do much better" type of family story.    Descendant is "We used to have it all, but we have been losing everything lately."  Oscillating is "As a family, we have had our ups and downs, but no matter what has happened, we have stuck together as a group".  The article suggests that the oscillating family narrative is the best and most healthful for children.

So what can we take from this.  First, multigenerational families matter.  Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. all contribute to building a sense of family.  Second, children need to hear both the positives and the negatives of the family's experience.  They need to know that they are part of something larger than themselves which will survive.  Finally, anything that creates unity and strong family bonds will help your child in grounding him with respect to his place in the world.  A family theme song, family holiday traditions, kind family jokes, and family reunions now turn out to be important assets helping children decrease stress and survive in an increasingly complex world.  So, promote the family story, it helps children grow.

The First Rule of Grandparenting

Unfortunately one does not become a "grandparent" automatically when one's child has a child.  The grandparent relationship, no matter how much one may desire it, is contingent upon the relationship that the grandparents have with their child (the mother or father of their grandchild) and their child's partner (the other parent of the child).  It is the parents who determine how much time and what type of access the grandparent will have to the the grandchild.  So it behooves every grandparent to establish and maintain a good relationship with their children and their children's spouses and to defer to the decisions of the grandchildren's parents no matter how much the grandparent may disagree with some of those decisions.  (Aunt Josie is still learning in this area also.)

As with most relationships, communication with the parents is paramount.  Refusing to criticize parenting decisions and not undermining or sabotaging parental actions is very important.  Following directions and trying to stay available for babysitting and any other type of assistance that you can offer will also be helpful.  Listening carefully to any objections that your grandchild's parents may have to your behavior without becoming defensive will go a long way too.  Acknowledging that it has been a long time since you were a parent and that parenting methods may have changed gives your child lee-way to trust in your flexibility and ability to follow their directions. 

Finally, remember that you are not the mother or father.  Your loving role is secondary and supplemental to those of the parents.  If you follow these "rules,"  With any luck, your children will allow you to enjoy their children and you will experience the joy that comes from establishing a relationship with that special little person.

When to Get Off the Pot

This post is directed primarily to my single female readers who care about having their own biological children and are waiting for that special someone to come through and pop "the question."  If you have been with someone for a substantial period of time (not less than 2 years), have hinted broadly that you would like to become engaged, get married, have children, etc. in the not-too-distant future, and have listened carefully to the response to those broad hints from your significant other, and no proposal is forthcoming, here are your options:

1.  Continue to wait while your biological clock is ticking.

2.  Set a dead-line for the hoped-for response and communicate said deadline clearly to you beloved.

3.  Give an ultimatum now.  (This depends on your willingness to follow through with the ultimatum.)

4.  Break-up and be open to finding another partner.

If you are female and older, Option 1 is the riskiest because it continues to eat up valuable time.
Option 2 is viable no matter what stage you are in  as long as you realize that "no decision" is a decision in and of itself at some point.  Option 3 cuts to the chase.  It should not be pursued if one is unprepared to follow through on the ultimatum.  However, if you have been seeing someone for an extensive period of time, perhaps you owe yourself the truth about where the relationship is going.  Option 4, the position that most women who have invested time in the relationship really don't want to be in, is still better than nagging a beloved or trying to force someone to do something that they really do not want to do.

So, ladies, here it is.  None of the above should be pursued without fully discussing your hopes, dreams and aspirations for the relationship with your partner and listening carefully to what they are hoping, dreaming and aspiring to also.  Good luck.

Breaking Up (Involuntarily)

Is there such a thing as a good break-up?  Not really, if it is viewed from the perspective of the person with whom one is breaking up.  There are, however, things to avoid at all costs and things that one can do to make oneself feel better.  First off, acknowledge all the negative feelings that this is creating.  Wallow in your despondency for a given period of time (not to exceed 3 months).  You can play Aron Neville's "Everybody Plays the Fool" or Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" nonstop until the despondency/negativity gives way to some other emotion.  Trust me, if you give free rein to your feelings, they will ultimately change.

Second, don't forget to eat and take care of yourself physically.  That weight drop may look attractive, but it is really unhealthy.  Connect with other family and friends who care about you.  When you need an ear to listen, go to people who will do that for you.  If they cannot show the care, concern, sympathy, and support that you need, get it from other friends/ family who can.

Third, stifle your pride about being "dumped."  Whether long-term relationship, marriage, or short sojourn, it happens to just about everyone at some time in their life.  True friends know that this is hard on anyone's ego.

Fourth, distract yourself.  There is a fine balance between trying to analyze what went wrong to learn from it and obsessively going over what one could have done differently.  Dwelling on the departed beloved is counter-productive.  It helps to tell oneself that this person was obviously not "right" for you or that building a future with them would be a mistake based on their current behavior towards you.

Fifth and finally, love yourself.  Don't devalue yourself based upon all the negative feelings an unanticipated break-up will engender.  Time is your friend and this too will pass.