Hard Talk

To succeed in a long-term caring committed relationship, both parties need to develop the ability to say very difficult (sometimes insulting and downright emotionally damaging ) things to the each other.  These things need to be said in a way that the receiving party can hear, understand,  and ultimately act upon the information without taking such offense that the message is blocked out.  This skill cannot develop early in the relationship because it has the potential of destroying fledgling relationships.

However, at some point, in every relationship, one party must tell the other a hurtful truth, even if it has the potential of creating a large rift in the relationship.  The party receiving this comment must develop the ability to "hear" what the person venturing the information is saying, to downplay the "hurtfulness of it" and to act upon the information received.

An example of this is the husband who tells his wife after she has given birth, that she is too heavy and that he does not feel sexually attracted to her at her post-pregnancy weight.  Communicating this information to one's partner after she has been through the travails of pregnancy and  while she is exhausted from taking care of a new child seems cold and  heartless.  However, I take the position that it is a courageous act on the husband's part, especially in light of what can develop if he remains silent and does not share his true feelings.  By not communicating how he feels, perhaps out of love or being even ashamed to even have this feeling, he runs the risk of letting his sexual love and affection for his wife dissipate because of her weight while not even telling her (and presumably giving her the chance to address the situation).

Conversely, the wife in that scenario, (rather than being hurt, outraged, upset) had to develop the ability to genuinely "hear" what her husband was trying to tell her, so that she could act to preserve the sexual relationship, if she so desired.

Hard words in a direct confrontation are eminently preferable to repeated nagging, insinuation and ultimately uncomfortable acceptance of or ignoring the problem.  Hard words have the power to wound, but they also have the ability to stabilize and enhance relationships.

I take the position that hard words in frank conversations should rarely be necessary, but when they are, they give the receiving party the chance to defend themselves, agree, disagree, to change ( refuse to change), or to, at least, think about the feelings of the person expressing the hard words.  What do you think?