The Ultimatum

In any serious relationship, there comes a time when a huge disagreement looms.  Early in the dating stages of  a relationship, one partner strongly wants to give the other an ultimatum on some big issue due largely to impatience or insecurity.  In my own case, the person wanted me to stop dating other men (one in particular), and to be exclusive and monogamous in our relationship.  I did not feel ready to make such a commitment.  When the ultimatum was made, I asked him to reconsider -- explaining that if I agreed to it, exclusively committing to him was not something that I was doing of my own volition, but to satisfy him.  If I did not agree, then he would have no choice but to stop seeing me (something I did not think that he really wanted to do and which I did not want him to do) or to back down and withdraw the ultimatum.  By forcing the issue too early, he was risking ending a relationship which had the potential of ultimately leading to serious commitment in the future.  By withdrawing the ultimatum, he risked looking foolish, or at least slightly diminished in his own eyes, as well as mine.  When explained that way, the common sense choice was to reconsider the issuing of a such an ultimatum.

If the person considering issuing an ultimatum on whatever issue views this "either/or" demand in this context, he or she will realize that it does not accomplish what he or she wanted anyway.  They will not feel more reassured, more secure, more loved, i.e. happier, if they get their way because their partner did so under duress.

All of this being said, it is important to communicate the underlying feelings which are driving the desire to give an ultimatum.  Saying that you feel insecure, jealous, devalued,etc., is important so that your partner can attempt to address those feelings.  Also talking with the person to whom the ultimatum is being proposed about their reluctance to take the next step, be it monogamy, speaking to their mother, committing to moving with you, etc., and finding out why they are taking their view will be more fruitful in the long run. This is especially true if the inquiries are made in such a manner that the other person is not immediately put on the defensive.  More about couples being at loggerheads later.

For now, just remember that when you are tempted to issue an ultimatum, don't do it.  Instead think about what is compelling you to want to force an issue at this point in your relationship.  Examine your own motives and communicate your feelings honestly and clearly while making no demands on your partner. You won't be sorry in the long run.