Loggerheads

All new couples have to learn to communicate clearly.  Eventually big disagreements arise.  Whether or not one will commit to marry, or to have a child, or to move to a new city for the partner's career opportunities are just some of the issues that have the potential of ruining a perfectly viable new relationship.  First off, if the issue presenting arises early in the relationship, exploratory conversations are warranted and both parties should keep an open mind and listen to the other carefully.  Taking the issue of whether the potential partner wants children as an example, the tone, demeanor, and type of consideration the responder gives to the inquiry tells a lot.  If the person confesses that he or she has not really thought much about it, this  is radically different from the response of  "I have thought about this a lot and I don't think that I am parent material."  Whatever the response may be, it is a mistake to immediately go full-tilt boogie into an in-depth conversation on the topic .  The questioner should take some time to digest the response and to formulate their own position on the issue, given the response received.

Whether it be children, commitment or career priorities versus the relationship, the next conversation should focus on whether that is the partner's current position and/or whether it may change in the future.  Since I knew that having children was important to me, I was not willing to pursue relationships with anyone who firmly communicated that they were not interested in having children (although some past boyfriends ultimately did end up having children).  I took their response as being that they were not interested in having children with me and I acted accordingly.  I moved on.  However, when the response was "I'm not interested now, but won't close the door," I pursued the relationship.  "Maybe" was good enough for me.  It may not be for you, but the point here is to flesh out all aspects of your partner's position on the big issue creating the loggerhead and to genuinely explore and communicate what your position and/or revised position might be.

Forty years of experience has demonstrated to me that sometimes these big issues can be worked out.  Couples with enough affection for each other will consider and reconsider making compromises as these loggerhead arise.  Sometimes, however, there are "deal-breakers."  You won't know this, however, unless you bring honesty, clarity and good intentions to a meaningful discussion in a direct manner.  About the worse thing you can do in a relationship is to ignore the big issue(s) and hope that it(they) resolves itself in your favor.  Once you are in a comfortable relationship for a reasonable period of time (say a year), these discussions are appropriate and necessary.  They allow both parties to figure out whether their partner really is "the One."