Empathy

Anyone who has observed a toddler of two understands the innate self-centeredness that is part of the developmental picture at this age.   There are, however, also glimmers of true selflessness in the child of that age.  The 17-month old offering you a morsel of his food or wanting you to take a toy with which he is playing demonstrates that very young children are capable of empathy.  There is, among the psychologists, some disagreement as to whether empathy is inherent or a skill to be learned.  In any case, it is a trait to be fostered and nourished  as early as practicable with the child.  Two years of age is not too early to try to get the child to see things from another person's perspective.  "How would you feel if Tony had the ball and would not let you play with it?"  "You hurt Mommy when you bit her!  How would you feel if Mommy bit you?" are simple comments that you can make to try to get the child to see the other person's position.

If you keep pushing the child to put herself in the other person's place from age 2 up, she will eventually automatically take the other person's view into consideration in her behavior.  At nine or ten years of age, she will be able to understand where the teacher and other authority figures are coming from.  By 11 or 12 years of age, she will have the ability to analyze every situation from other points of view.  Why, you ask, should your child need to have this skill? How necessary is it in a society that values the individual and individual achievement over collectivism, working together, and group accomplishment.?

The answer is two-fold.  Without empathy, children continue to believe that the world revolves around them and turn into selfish, self-centered, little tyrants.  With empathy (the true ability to identify with the other person), they learn to share, to address the needs of others, and to feel genuine connections with others. And the decisions they make as a result are made in a deeper and more substantive context with a stronger sense of consequence.

From a pragmatic point of view, you will need every shred of empathy that you have nourished in your child to survive the teen-age years.  Not seeing the big picture and being focused on self is a natural part of being a teenager.  When your child asks for permission to do something or for a privilege, rather than responding immediately, it is prudent to turn the question back onto them.  You could say something like "let's not talk about this now.  I will think if I was a 16 year old boy (14 year old girl) why this would be important to me. You, however, must try to put yourself in my place, and tell me if you were the mother (or father) whether you would really permit me do to such and such.  Let's talk in a hour."  Initially, the teen will start out arguing that he or she would indeed grant permission if they were the parent.  However, if you employ this technique consistently forcing the child to look at things from your point of view, you will have better luck getting him or her to accede to your ultimate decision.  Furthermore, as young adults, they will be able to put themselves in the customer's shoes, the employer's shoes, the boyfriend or girlfriend's shoes, etc. as they attempt to function in the complexities presented by the real world away from parental protection.

The real reward for fostering and encouraging empathy in your child is really simple.  They will develop into  caring people.  You will hear that you have the nicest children. To my mind, this is just about the greatest compliment of all.