Independence

From the moment of birth, parenting is a continual process of letting go.  It is the parents' job to start giving the child its freedom and independence in a controlled, loving, prudent, unfolding manner.  It is natural for its loving parents to seek to protect the child from all harm and adversity.  However, over-protection can sometimes be observed even hours after the child is born.  From the reluctance to allow others to hold the baby to an excessive concern about exposing the baby to dirt and germs, the seeds of overprotection are often present during the first few days of a newborn's life.  New parents want to control everything in the child's environment so that it has a "perfect" existence. The parents in their hearts know that this is impossible, but nevertheless seek to keep their child safe, existing in a blissful cocoon of dependence.  This impulse on the parent's part must be recognized, acknowledged, and firmly quashed if the child is to blossom and become a resilient little person.

When the baby is born, the parents are basically living its entire life for it.  They do everything from feeding, dressing and lulling to sleep to controlling the terms of  interaction with other people. All activities from naps to play dates are arranged and directed by the parents.  But as the child develops, the goal should be to turn more and more of the child's life back over to him or her as they show evidence that they are competent to handle more and more complex decisions for themselves.  If done well, by the time the child is 17 or 18, the parent will have handed over 95% of the control over the child's life to the child and the child will be a capable, independent, young adult.

Whenever, there is a question as to whether a child is ready for some activity, action, etc., there is a choice on the parents' part.  They can make the decision from a protective perspective or they can allow the child some autonomy.  Erring in favor of independence, while at times hair-raising, generally results in competent, can-do types of children.  Always sharing the rationale for your decisions when you decide the child is not ready to decide for him or herself or to take the next step helps to teach the child how to analyze problems.  Asking the child what he or she thinks or to explain why they want to take the course of action that they are demanding to take also assists both the parent and child in letting the child separate.

It is difficult to refrain from interfering when you see your child making the wrong decision.  It is miserable to let your child suffer the consequences of a mistake that she has made.  But to grow and develop, children need to stop relying upon the parents and to start making decisions for themselves.  How else will they learn these skills if they are never given the opportunity to make decisions and to live with the consequences?

As you hold that beautiful baby in your arms.  Begin to let go.  Realize as Kahlil Gibran said in The Prophet,  "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you."

If you do let go a little, your child will not break, but develop into the person you want them to be. So allow them to fall from the first step when they are learning to climb the stairs.  Let them make small mistakes.  Your reward will be in seeing the pleasure of genuine accomplishment in their eyes when they master something without your help with their own skills on their very own terms.  What do you think?