More than Two (Children, that is)

Aunt Josie received an indirect query about the advisability of having more than two children.  Her answer is a resounding "It depends." 

It mostly depends on how needy the two children that you currently have are.  It also depends on the parents' resources, both emotional and economic.  Finally, it depends on your world view and view of family.  Aunt Josie would be remiss if she did not at least mention ZPG (Zero Population Growth) as a concept, but she also realizes that some people should parent larger families and have the wherewithal to do so.  How much love, energy, and enthusiasm do you have?  Also, it is unfair to expect your older children to help you parent the third.  If the parents are confident that they can handle three, having the third is a much more viable option.

Can you re-read the "Little Engine that Could" for the third time with gusto for that third child?  Looking at your first-born with unbiased eyes, will he or she be harmed by your having to devote more attention to that third child.  The first and second born will be held back slightly as the parents attention rightly focuses on the new-born to the detriment of supporting and arranging for the older children's activities.  Aunt Josie says to "go for it" only if you are convinced that your older children will not be harmed and you, the parents, have what it takes to spread yourselves a little thinner in addressing the needs of three children.

Peter Pan/Don Juan-ism

Certain males view interpersonal romantic relationships as a game where once their quarry has been successfully pursued and wooed, they sooner or later want to move on to the next woman.  This strategy, steeped in egotism, will work for a good long time until the late forties/early fifties. Then it starts to look pathetic to outsiders and ultimately leaves the men who follow it without real relationships and connections.  They will face old age alone or with women who only value them in terms of their status or financial wherewithal.

An older middle age man continuing to pursue younger women, and ultimately prevailing with those women, will miss all the really important things that a long-term stable relationship can offer.  There will be no one to remininsce with, no one to share generational in-jokes, no one to genuinely appreciate the personality that emerges after long term knowledge and commitment.  In old age, often there will simply be no one who cares for or about them.

This may be cold comfort for the women who did care and were "dumped" along the way.  However, in the long run, they will be better off because they are free to find a man who genuinely appreciates them with whom they can develop a committed realtionship.  So to all the Peter Pan/Don Juans out there, just remember, you will in all likelihood end up with the person you love the most, youself.

Putting Your Best Self Forward

In dating, especially when using on-line dating forums, there is a tendency on the part of prospective partners to disclose too much about themselves too soon in the dating process.  People do this in hopes of impressing their potential partner, or to get the negative "stuff" (possible deal breakers) out there right away, or to simply let the prospective partner see their "authentic" self in hopes of longed for acceptance.  In the case of women, in particular, but also men, this is a losing strategy. Revealing too much too soon robs you of "mystery" and there has to be some mystery for romance to bloom.  Showing too much excitement about the other person can easily be misinterpreted as neediness in the first four or five dating encounters.  Answering inquiries truthfully while highlighting the positives, remaining light, playful, and slightly aloof is by far a better strategy until the potential partner gets to know you better and wants to uncover the next layer to find a deeper, more genuine you.  Better to leave the person wanting to get to know more about you for the first half dozen-dates or encounters.

Taking things slowly and optimistically by presenting a carefully cultivated nonchalance that one may not genuinely feel, i.e., playing slightly hard to get, is age old advice from the old 1950's neighborhood coffee klatch, but it WORKS!

So don't list your accomplishments (they can Google your for that info).  Don't roll out a list of negatives, like informing the person of any health problems, poor family relationships, etc.  Simply enjoy the person and evaluate whether you have enough in common to continue seeing him or her.  After a month or two, when the person has gotten to know you a bit better, these conversations will arise naturally in response to inquiries from the other person and explanations will not have such a serious impact as they would earlier in the relationship.

So cultivate a little mystery and hold something of yourself back initially.  It will benefit you in the long run.

Familial Expectations and How to Deal with Them

The role of family in the development of the person can never be underestimated.  Who the family is, how strong the interpersonal relationships are (be they positive or negative), the reputation of the family, how it functions or fails to function, and who controls the interactions will all impact on an individual member.  Culture also contributes to the familial expectations and attitudes of the family as a group, along with those of the individual members of the family. People from different cultures would do well to understand the underlying differences in perspective and world view when they consider marrying into a family with a different view of exactly who is included in the immediate family. There may also be a different view of the extent of filial and extended family obligations, financial support, child care, etc.  Aunt Josie's husband, who came from a very American individual nuclear family situation, spent many years attempting to understand and fit into her close extended Italian-American family.

What one's role in the family is, who should be included in the immediate family, and how one should behave with various family members may differ from family to family (and culture to culture) depending on who is marrying into which family.  Starting with the wedding, preceding through the birth of the first child, and continuing into taking care of elderly family members and children, family expectations may range from the total inclusion of grandparents, great aunts and uncles, first, second, and third cousins to inclusion of just the nuclear unit of husband-wife-children.  Aunt Josie strongly disagrees with the advice of most self help columnists which put the couple and their needs first.

This may work for those who hail from a White Anglo-Saxon cultural heritage who grew up in the "Leave it to Beaver" type of family where the nuclear family is considered the primary family, because the parents of the couple will see and respect the formation of the new family unit.  It may, however,  fail with many families from cultures where the extended family is viewed as primary.  Hispanic American families and those from certain Asian, African and Mediterranean cultures may view the success and prosperity of the extended family as more important than the achievement and happiness of any small nuclear unit within the family.  That is why refusing to "lend" money to a needy member of the extended family, not allowing a grandparent or great aunt opportunity to "babysit" or engage in frequent childcare, or always subordinating the desires of the mother/grandmother to those of the wife in an extended family can have serious repercussions and effects upon the ultimate happiness of those in the nuclear unit.  These is especially the case if they are constantly butting up against, and not living up to, the cultural expectations of those in the extended family.

Aunt Josie is not saying that the cultural expectations of the extended family should always prevail.  Rather, she says that the newest members of such a family will do much better in the long run to learn what the cultural expectations are, to decide where and when they can accommodate them and to explain to and communicate with the members of the family when this is not possible.  You will save yourself lots of heartache and family strife if you take the needs of the extended family into consideration.

Thankfulness

Aunt Josie has been musing about gratitude and thankfulness this last week.  She was intrigued by the article in the Tuesday Science section of the New York Times yesterday suggesting that those who feel grateful remain in better health and get more sleep than those who don't.  While Aunt Josie hopes that this is the case, the real benefit of taking stock of all the things for which you are grateful is that it changes your perspective on yourself and your life.  For most of us, we are in highly privileged positions of having a home to go to and regular meals that we can count on, not to mention the myriad of material gadgets which we have been able to purchase to make our lives easier and more enjoyable. Many people throughout the world are not anywhere near as lucky. Stepping back and becoming acutely aware of life's blessings, especially wonderful friends and family, can only enrich your perspective about what is important in your life. The happiness that results from simple appreciation of one's satisfying relationships lingers far past the remembrance and marking of those relationships.  There really is something to the "counting your blessings" advice.  So, enjoy tomorrow and take a moment to remember all of the things for which you can be thankful.

Having It All

So many young people find their lives to be disjointed and stressful because they are laboring under the incorrect assumption that they can "do it all" and "have it all" at any given time in their life.  You can have it all but only sequentially.  There is a time for emphasis on education, a time for emphasis on career-building, and a time for emphasis on family and personal relationships.  While these times may overlap slightly, trying to keep all of these balls in the air at the same time results in stressed out, exhausted people who do nothing very well in any of those spheres.  So, accept that you may be entering a period where one aspect of your life demands the major part of your time and energy.  Defer on other important aspirations until you can devote more attention to them.  Failure to realize that one is not super-human will result in half-assed attempts to accomplish what you desire and lead you to view your self as less than successful.  It is a recipe for discontent and unhappiness rather than personal fulfillment.

The Total Package (and Why It Must Be Considered)

In one of Aunt Josie's last posts she talked about not counting someone out using dumb criteria for exclusion.  In this post, I want to talk about how important it is to consider intrinsic qualities that exist in a potential partner.  If such important positive qualities like kindness, consideration, selflessness, intelligence, initiative, (you name what is really important to you) are not evident to you after three or four dates, do not waste your time.  Move on.

Conversely, if you see various negative traits which appear routinely or excessively within the short period of time that you are getting to know the person, such as volatile, highly critical, selfish, lazy, etc.,  again don't waste your time.  Move on.  You cannot change the intrinsic character of a person.  Many a person has learned that to their detriment after having invested time, emotional energy, and resources.  Look at the total package, give the other person a fair amount of time so that your and your evaluation is accurate.  Then allow yourself to pursue or pass on the relationship based on real criteria and not arbitrary reasons concocted in some dream world.