One and Only One

For any number of reasons, but primarily because child-bearing is occurring later and later in life and it takes greater financial and emotional resources to raise more than one child in today's modern era, many parents are opting to have an only child.  While the decision can obviously be defended on any number of levels, I believe this to be a great mistake for both parents and the child.

First there is a tendency on the part of as many as six individuals (2 parents and 4 grandparents) to focus inordinate attention on the single child.  Being the center of that much attention is not so healthy in and of itself.  Second, when there are more children in the family, a sibling can serve as a life-long companion and friend.  Regardless of whether the child finds a mate, a sibling (and the power of that sibling bond) can validate many family and life experiences and create a sense of security and family long after the parents have died.  In short, the child is not left alone and lonely.

Finally, with a sibling, there is someone to share the burden of caring for parents once the child is an adult and the parents become elderly.  It's a cruel world out there and caring parents should think long and hard about the danger implicit in creating a situation where the child is "someone's everything." Being "everything," be it the focus of too much attention and spoiling when he or she is younger or the sole support of aging parents when he or she is older, is a hardship.  Living up to these "great expectations" without another sibling to share them can be onerous on many levels, not just the psychological/emotional and financial levels.  China's "one child" policy has proven instructive in this regard.

So do yourself and your child a favor by giving him a brother or sister to love and with whom he can share life's journey.  You won't regret it!

The Love "Jones"

At some time or other, many people experience a love "addiction."  Intellectually, they know the person is wrong for them, and may even be harmful to their development and well-being, but they cannot seem to break free of the relationship.  I refer to this as a love "jones".  Aunt Josie herself has suffered from a few of these disastrous relationships and believes that no one is immune.  The operative fact in the face of a love "jones" is that it is an addiction and must be viewed and treated as such.  Some people simply accept the addiction, concluding it is not that bad for them, e.g., caffeine.  Others know that they need to get treatment to have any chance at a normal life, experiencing a normal degree of self-esteem and self-respect, for example, alcohol or narcotic use.  There is also the middle ground where we know our addiction is bad for us and resolve to break it or work on it, but generally live with it.  Aunt Josie is not an expert on addiction and advises those who truly want to lose the love "jones" to seek professional help.  It is, however, sad to see perfectly wonderful people saddled with inconsiderate losers, sacrificing their self-esteem for the sake of the love fix.  This fix never really leaves them satisfied because they know the relationship is unhealthy.

The love "jones" can be broken, but it takes genuine resolve.  You are worth it and worth someone who will treat and appreciate you.  So break the "addiction" cycle.  Harden your resolve to cut it and stay strong.

Resilience

Great article in the Atlantic about raising your children to be resilient. http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/8555/  It is natural for concerned parents to want their child to have a perfect life.  They want to protect the child from all of life's little disappointments and smooth away all difficulties.  Big mistake!  Results in "teapot" young adults who are so fragile they crack at the first adult stresses or, worse, continue to lean on you, the parents, for life.

When the Bloom is Off the Rose

Everyone knows how exciting a new relationship can be.  Discovering all the little eccentricities of one's newly beloved is wonderful.  But at some point in a relationship, you notice that the cap is off the toothpaste and that your beloved farts.  Does this signal time to move on or time to pick up the pace and try to regain that old magic?
If you have already observed a few warts through the love haze and decided that the person is still worth an investment, just remember "No One is Perfect."  The real question that you must ask yourself is whether you can get comfortable with the flower sans bloom.  The answer, of course, depends on the flower.  Not every romance will culminate in a bouquet.  Sometimes its best to smell the flower and move on.  If the beloved (who at the time is not looking so beloved) demonstrates that he or she cares about you and treats you in a thoughtful, kind, loving manner while revealing his or her not-so-perfect self, it may often pay to hang in there and see what develops.  Only romance junkies, keep discarding every flower they pick in hopes of a  more perfect blossom.

Baby X - So What!

About the Toronto couple who named their baby "Storm" and refuse to disclose Storm's gender. http://articles.cnn.com/2011-06-02/opinion/rose.gender_1_gender-specific-girls-and-boys-toronto-parents?_s=PM:OPINION  Nothing new here folks.  Thirty four years ago, those of us who considered ourselves feminists wondered if we should, could do the same with our children.  One friend went so far as to insist that I buy dresses for my baby boy.  Science has come a long way in the 34 years.  We've learned that Baby Storm will very shortly after birth most likely start behaving as a baby of whatever gender he/she is (with a few exceptions).  What is more important than keeping the gender a secret, is presenting all options in toys and play irrespective of the baby's sex. Treating the child's preferences with respect and encouraging exploration without labeling behaviors and expressions as male or female is the way to go. In other words, parents should laud and cultivate the "Free to Be You and Me"  http://www.freetobefoundation.org or this video of the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_26FOHoaC78 attitude.

Regrets (and Not Having Them)

Everyone will at sometime have regrets.  Generally, regrets fall into only two categories: regrets due to inaction and regrets due to acting (often in retrospect, incorrectly).  A recent article in TNW   listed the top 5 regrets that people had on their death bed.  They are as follows: (1) wishing they had lived a life true to oneself rather than trying to live up to expectations of others; (2) wishing they had not worked so hard; (3) wishing they had the courage to express their true feelings; (4) wishing that they had kept up with certain friendships; and (5) wishing they had allowed themselves to be happy.

Of the five, three are regrets due to inaction.  Not being authentic around people and not allowing oneself to genuinely enjoy one's life are truly regrettable omissions. However, these regrets are easily correctable at any stage in life if one has sufficient courage.  It is not even necessary to make up your mind to live an "Edith Piaf" type of life.  What is necessary is to adopt a "What you see is what you get" type of attitude in most human relationships.  If you  undertake direct, sincere communication without the gamesmanship, genuinely expressing your thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs you can cut through much of the posturing and passive/aggressive behavior that leads to insecurity and depression.

A very attractive, popular young women once took me into the cafeteria of her high school.  As we surveyed the social scene at the various tables, she remarked to me that all of the tables would welcome here based upon her looks and popularity, but that none of these other teenagers at the table knew the "real" her and if they did they probably would not like her.  This was a heartbreaking remark.  Because of her youth, she could be forgiven for her inauthenticity and the resulting depression it caused, but what is a twenty-seven year old woman's or a thirty-two year old man's excuse for that same inauthenticity?  Being afraid that people will not like and accept the real person that you are creates many more insecurities than having one or two people reject the "genuine" you that you manifest.  In some ways, putting yourself out there initially, saves you from the pain of rejection at a later time.  You find out who is attracted to the real you.  Those that are not, leave under the "take it, or leave it" approach that you project.  You suffer, perhaps a small hurt at the outset, but you are spared rejection after you drop the facade of your false projections.

Adopting a "what you see is what you get "approach is also very freeing.  You can feel free to pursue  your own happiness, and to permit yourself to express your true emotions.  Other people observe, and are attracted to, the man or woman who knows his or her own mind and puts it out for others to share. It takes bravery to make this simple transformation in your life but the rewards are great.  So eliminate three of the above biggie regrets by daring to be genuine and to tell it like it is.  You won't regret it!

Reinforcement (Both Positive and Negative)

Children, no matter what their age, are usually open to new experiences.  This is especially true when it comes to food.  It is a serious mistake for parents to censor or comment upon a child's dislikes when the child has perhaps rejected a food one time.  I have often observed the food on the way to the child's mouth or even in the child's mouth when the parent comments that "she doesn't like that" and the morsel is immediately rejected.   Other negative parental declarations can  negatively impact the child's opinion of himself.  For example: "He's afraid of dogs!"  "She's shy!"  "She's afraid of heights!", when heard and internalized by the child, all serve to limit the child's experiences rather than to encourage exploration and development of an adventurous attitude.

It is far better to allow the child to genuinely taste something new.  If it is rejected, acceptance of the rejection can be accompanied by an explanation that your tastes change quite a bit and that you expect them to taste something at least five or six times before they form a definite like or dislike.  Also positive parental observations, even if they stretch the current reality, such as "Amy is a good eater." encourage the child to live up to that attribute.

How much better it is to explain to a child that she or he may be afraid of that particular dog because he is big or barking or whatever rather than to categorize one or two experiences with dogs into the conclusion that the child is afraid of all dogs.  If the child does indeed continue to show fear of all dogs, the concerned parent can make sure that the child has a positive experience with a small affectionate dog and build from there.

Fears such as fear of heights can also be tackled in similar fashion.  You can explain to the child that this particular height at this time is a little scary but that as he grows, he probably will not be so afraid.  What not to do is to insist that the child overcome his fear immediately because that may reinforce and cement those feelings.

Encouraging, but not insisting upon new experiences, lets the child know that it is okay to explore and then form his own opinion about something.  He should feel secure knowing that he can reject a taste or an activity without repercussions.  But he should also know that he may be asked to taste something again or to interact with an animal or person again and that he may feel differently the second, third or fifth time around.

It is true that some children are more naturally curious, or timid, or sensitive.  A discerning parent will work with the personality type to make sure the child's world keeps expanding.  The parent knows the best way to introduce new experiences for the child's personality type, but the key is to keep reinforcing the positive.  If you genuinely believe that your children are, or will be good eaters, they will try to live up to that reputation.

If you encourage exploration while providing security, the child will most likely allow its natural curiosity to emerge.  You set the stage and then let your child star in the drama that is his or her own life.