Assisting Children in Overcoming their Weaknesses

As children develop, they exhibit certain strengths and weakness.  Like most adults, they usually want to concentrate on activities where they are already competent and have strong skills.  Permitting children to focus, or concentrate exclusively or primarily, on activities where they have already demonstrated mastery or strong skills is, however, a mistake.

Children need to be challenged to leave their comfort zone and to try new things.  They need to be applauded for their attempts, especially when they are unsuccessful initially.  This is the time when it is especially important to encourage them to keep trying. Repeatedly explaining as often as is necessary that  failure followed by more practice is an inherent and intrinsic part of learning is crucial.  Assisting the child to repeat the practice of the skill for as many times as it takes until mastery is achieved is also important.  When the child balks, this can be a very unpleasant part of parenting, but it is your job to insure that your child is well-rounded and developmentally on target.

Older children and teens often become stuck when it comes to overcoming their deficits because of their desire to perform perfectly the first time.  They may be so locked into this attitude that they refuse to attempt any new activity which cannot be accomplished with perfection the first time round. The best remedy for this attitude of "not trying unless I can do it perfect" is parental modeling.  The parent should attempt new activities and show that the world does not end if the endeavor ends in failure.  The parent should demonstrate determination with repeated attempts and practice accompanied by sense of humor until the task or endeavor is accomplished. Then the child sees and understands that success usually does not occur without initial failure and repeated practice attempts.

Whether it is development of gross or small motor skills in a toddler, participating in  sports, musical, or  artistic endeavosr as a grade school or pre-teen child, or the mastering of  a difficult school subject as a teen-ager, the parent must set the standard of expectations.  If you let your child avoid all the "hard" things in life, he or she will not grow up to be an independent whole person.  Aunt Josie is not suggesting that you drive your child perfectionism in all endeavors.  Rather, where a child is impacted by his inability to perform a task or activity that he should be able to accomplish, the parent should make sure that he continues to work on accomplishing the task.

So, tiger mother or father aside, encourage your child to practice and to stick it out when the going gets tough.  You will not regret it in the long run.

Can I put up with him (her)?

Thinking about compatibility or, more to the point, incompatibility, when evaluating a potential mate is not something that jumps to the fore in the throws of first love and romance.  However, once a person becomes a serious contender as a mate/spouse, the question posed in the title of this blog should take center stage and get primary consideration.  Can you put up with the way he laughs?  the way she interrupts in conversation? her continuous insecurity? his tireless reiteration of the same three stories highlighting his physical prowess?

No one is perfect, of course.  However, we can tolerate certain flaws in our partner while other deficits can drive us nuts.  When relationships are new and exciting, no one wants to even think about imperfections in their potential partner.   However, as the relationship matures and the warts inevitably show, it is much smarter to acknowledge, analyze, and evaluate whether you can accept the person, warts and all, and live with the imperfections.  Thinking that you can "change" or "improve" your partner is unrealistic and ultimately a recipe for a disastrous end to the relationship.  While people can and do change and improve themselves in many small and subtle ways if they themselves are motivated to do so, normally what you see is what you get.  So the smart decision is to ask oneself the question "Can I put up with her (or him) as (s)he presents herself (himself) today?"  If the answer is "no," save yourself some heartbreak and keep on looking.

I'm Sorry

Two little words, but very powerful when stated or withheld.  How many times can a serious argument (where one partner has hurt the other's feelings) be resolved with a simple, but heartfelt, apology.  Yet we are often reluctant to do so.  It is as if by apologizing, even when we genuinely believe that we are not at fault, we have somehow weakened ourselves in the context of power within the relationship.  The converse is also true.  A fleeting, disingenuous "Sorry" can exacerbate a situation and increase the receiving person's anger.  Sometimes apologizing for hurting someone's feelings, hitting below the belt, or going to areas where your partner or friend is absolutely sensitive, while acknowledging that you have to agree to disagree on the merits of the argument, is the best that you can do.  However, a little less pride and a little more willingness to be the first one to to take some responsibility for the disagreement will go a long way to ensuring that the love and affection that you have for your partner or friend will endure. So don't be afraid to sincerely apologize, even when you are in the right!
In the long run, it might just be the smart thing to do.

Enforcer versus Pushover (For Two-Parent Families)

In many families, one parent is the "enforcer" while the other is the "pushover."  Children very quickly understand which is which and will attempt full on manipulation of the"pushover."  This dynamic is not particularly healthy for either the children or the parents.  Parents should always attempt to discuss and hopefully agree about discipline strategies, what activities are age appropriate for their children, and who is responsible for what chores in the household.  Ideally these discussions take place privately before the children are included so that the parents are on the same page.

If there is no opportunity to discuss the issue in advance and one parent is approached regarding any of the above.  The approached parent should immediately respond with "What does your (mother/father) say?"  Also, if possible, all major decisions should be deferred until the approached parent can consult with the other parent.  Very few decisions require immediate action without consultation.

Another positive strategy is for the parent to turn the tables on the child asking the child if he were the parent what decision would he make.  By consulting with each other and devising appropriate parameters for their children, parents can attempt to escape the extremes of the above-referred to roles.  Allowing the "pushover" to deliver restrictions on occasion and allowing the "enforcer" to be the one to grant a wish shares the duties and fun of parenting.

Giving reasons for the decision, whatever it may be, shows the children that you considered their request seriously and that you as a unit will not act arbitrarily. Parents will enjoy the job more if each gets to be a "pushover" some times and the "enforcer" at other times.  Allowing one parent to always be the killjoy while the other gets to be the playful prince or princess is unfair and will breed resentment between the parents.  Unity is the goal here as it will affect how the child views you both separately and together.

You Never Confide in Me!

This is a common lament made by one party in a caring relationship.  Often, it is a parent who says this to a teenager or adult child when he or she feels "shut out" of that child's life.  It may also be said by one lover to the other in a committed relationship when it looks to the complainer as if his or her partner grants another access to problems or personal information of which the lover was unaware.  What the person making the lament is really saying is "You are moving away from me because you are not sharing these intimate details of your life with me. I am afraid I am losing a close connection with you."

If you feel compelled to make this statement, you should listen very carefully to the addressee's response.  If the response is" I am not telling you because you cannot keep a secret," this is very different from deflection, a shrug, or a candid "I feel more comfortable talking about these things with so and so."  One can try to remedy the former disclosure problem.  However, without a clear reason for why one is not being trusted, all of the responses are much more difficult to deal with.

Whatever the response, a frank discussion of hopes and expectations can never hurt.  Moreover, sharing one's own intimate problems, perceptions, and aspirations (insofar as is age appropriate in the case of a parent) will help you re-establish a degree of intimacy.  Make sure to let the person with whom you hope to maintain that intimacy know that you are "on their side." Also be clear with your loved one that you will always be there for them no matter what they choose to share or keep private.  These two assurances will help to keep the relationship a close one.

Inertia

While many people believe that inertia, or the inability to act, is the result of laziness or depression, a much more likely explanation is fear.  Being afraid of the results of one's actions or simply fearing to take any action can lead to a paralysis that is often mistaken for laziness, procrastination, or simple avoidance.  Aunt Josie thinks that the most effective remedy is to get off one's derriere and to take a simple action, any action will do.  It need not be earth-shattering or in fact the correct action.  Just doing often brings clarity and insight into why one has been afraid to take a step or make a move and will hopefully permit the person to escape this disabling condition and get on with one's life decisions.

Perspective

Aunt Josie has been away on a three-week trip out of the country.  Trips that take one out of one's comfort zone and require observation, decision-making, and action are very valuable for one other important reason.  They almost inevitably offer the voyager a different perspective on life in general, and the life one is living in particular.

So, if you are going through a difficult time and have the resources, Aunt Josie says to "Jump out of your day-to-day and book a flight to somewhere else."  You will return with new energy and insights even if there were some negative aspects to your trip.