Consequences

All too often when one is making a drastic life decision, one only looks at the immediate, imminent results from that decision, forgetting the impact and consequences of the decision on oneself and others.  Inability to play out or refusal to consider the various scenarios likely to result from an action or decision often ends in failure, tragedy, or a poor outcome.  Looking two three or even four steps down the road from the decision can save you and yours lots of sorrow and perhaps lead to positive byproducts of a decision wisely contemplated and implemented.

Love is Not Exclusive! You do not have to Choose!

Aunt Josie received another inquiry from a person having trouble with his adult daughter.  Having lost his partner to death about a year ago, he waited a reasonable period of time  and then commenced looking for another companion.  Having found someone (here Aunt Josie, in the interest of fairness, must disclose that this someone is a friend of hers), he wants to introduce her to his daughter and grandchildren.  His daughter won't return his calls or e-mails and by this behavior has made it pretty clear that she will not meet his new friend.

The inquirer asks what to do.  First, be patient with your daughter recognizing that it takes varied periods of time for some people grieve and let go sufficiently to entertain the possibility of their parents seeking and entering a new relationship.  Second, rather than resenting her refusal, acknowledging her feelings and reassuring her that you love her and her children and that they will not be displaced is crucial.  Third, although she is an adult, continue to explain that love need not be exclusive and that you tried to accept the people she brought home as partners, mates, etc.  Fourth, continue to reiterate that you are entitled to companionship, romance, and love just as she is.  You could also reassure her that you are not replacing her mother and her with the new relationship but that you are continuing on with your adult life.

When your friend does visit, continue to contact your daughter and invite her to meet your friend.  Suggest coffee or an activity that will be brief so that your daughter can choose to come and then leave after a short period of time.  Also, point out that her refusal to respond is depriving you of a relationship with your granddaughters.  Even if the "meet" does not happen on this occasion, stay calm and open.  It may just be too early and you definitely should not force anything between your friend and your daughter.  Also you should not view this situation as compelling you to make a choice between your friend and your daughter.  Time, communicating clearly, and patience will help ultimately resolve this problem for you.  Good luck!

Doubting One's Choices and Making Good Ones

Nosy Aunt Josie has received an inquiry with the following abbreviated history as a lead-up to the question of "Why can't I recognize the toads from the princes?"

In summary, without revealing the source, the first guy she dated was a starving-artist type who professed great love (until he didn't) with cool pheromone connection, etc. but not much in common.  The second guy had professional values in common, but was somewhat younger, and ungraciously severed contact after five or six dates.

Aunt Josie has one comment and several observations about this situation.  First, as I tell all my single friends and acquaintances, "you've got to meet (and  date and, maybe, kiss) a lot of toads before you find a prince."  This is just life.  The first observation is that you are learning from your experiences.  First guy -"obvious wrong guy" for a professional woman seeking a mate.  Not even close to the life traveler that you are seeking.   Second guy - "not such an obviously wrong guy," but young, probably too young, and not ready to settle down into a relationship, or was in deep enough to realize that you were not suitable for him.  Clearly a cad in the manner in which he broke it off.

The second observatio is that these things hurt and are difficult, but in the end, they lead to the right person.  Really concentrate on venues, friends, and social situations where you are likely to encounter someone with your values and attitudes.  Age, education, professional status, and outlook all matter when you are seeking a partner.  He or she must also "smell" right, i.e., pass the pheromone test because if there is absolutely no chemistry between you, no matter how right the person is, it is not going to work. 

So, inquirer, you are learning from each relationship.  Get out there and date.  Don't despair, but check out geeks, professional friends with friends, plain-old friends who have someone they think you should meet, fund-raisers, educational and political meetings, and any other venues where you are likely to meet someone in your age group who appeals to you.  Let Aunt Josie know how it all works out.

P.S. You probably do not want to contact Mr. Rude even if he has a good excuse as to why he did not call, unless there was death or serious injury involved.  You can ask your friend who introduced you what the deal was if you are really interested in why he dropped off your radar.

Falling for Bad Boys (or Girls)

It is amazing to Aunt Josie that many young professionals who are extremely cautious in their business relationships and dealings who exercise discretion, deliberation, and reason in how they conduct themselves professionally then turn around and become extremely reckless with their personal relationships.  They pick up a "bad" boy (or girl) who they know deep down inside of themselves will take them on a dramatic roller coaster to nowhere, if they are extremely lucky.  If unlucky, they are letting a person into their life who will bring negative karma, bad vibrations, and create serious problems for them.  So why would you treat the quest for your life mate less seriously or differently than your efforts to improve yourself professionally?

Security

No matter what one's age is --from infant to old person--human beings need to feel secure.  They need to feel secure in the love of the people who care for them or who are the closest to them.  If you cannot make your child or elderly parent secure in your love, caring, and interest in their well-being, the child will not develop properly and the elder will not be able to relax and prosper.

Providing a partner with a sense of security, i.e., assurance that they are loved and cared for above everyone,  is an intrinsic component to a happy, long-term, intimate relationship.  No one wants to open up and share their most innermost thoughts and history with someone whom they do not trust.  Allowing your partner to always know that you love them and proving by your actions that you are there for them gives them the freedom to truly reveal who they are and to enjoy the relationship to the maximum.  Offering this type of security to your child will result in an emotionally strong, caring, confident young adult.  Reassuring an elderly person that you will always be there gives them peace of mind and frees them from unnecessary worries about what will happen to them in the future.  So, if you love someone, commit, and reassure them that you will be there for the long haul!

The Drama Lifestyle

Want a good life!  Seek out normalcy and the ordinary!  Perhaps because so many young adults grew up watching "soaps" or Jerry Springer-type daytime TV shows, what is normal and ordinary behavior is often blurred.  At no other time than in one's late twenties and early thirties do we have the sense that we are "starring" in their own lives. Along with this starring role comes a tendency to seek out drama. This may consists of dramatic friends (to whom we refer fondly as characters) and experiences outside of our comfort zones (adventures which may or may not be healthy for us.) While a little drama can be a healthy spice to our life, living a dramatic life is ultimately unfulfilling and exhausting.

Our culture does not encourage the normal and ordinary either.  The overt messages from the media are that one should "Party on!" "Work hard, play hard" and "Fall for that tall, dark, handsome/beautiful, mysterious stranger."  All of this is pure baloney.

If you don't want to jeopardize your romantic relationship, think less partying at bars with strangers and more candlelit dinners with your partner. If you don't want to get involved in a friend's crazy "bad vibes," arrange short, supportive coffees in public places rather than an afternoon of "sturm and drang" (rehashing, listening to hysterics, etc.).  Being dragged into other peoples' antics leaves you less powerful and capable of dealing with your own real issues.

Studies have shown that contentment ultimately brings greater happiness than exhilaration.  So a little exhiiaration and drama may be fine, but constantly remaining in a state of crises, or creating situations which result in drama for yourself and others leaves little time for pursuit of the things that really matter in life.

Relationship Purgatory

What do you do when you are in relationship purgatory?  You know the person's not "the One" intellectually, but you do not have a "love jones," i.e., romantic addiction to that person. They are, however, hovering around in your life and they are convenient.  Moving on and up can be more difficult than for the person with the love addiction because those folks know that they are addicted to the person who is definitely not right for them and often makes them feel terrible about themselves.  In relationship purgatory, the other person is often "in love" with you and may be a genuinely wonderful person, just not a good fit for you as a mate.  How does one escape?  The short answer is that you must definitively and strongly cut ties.  You probably cannot be a "friend" to this person without falling back into purgatory.  If you can move or dramatically change your circumstances, it's easier.  If not, just as with those who have "love addictions," you must stay vigilant and extremely strong to escape.

Dating others and keeping busy really does help.  Not dwelling on your feelings of loneliness also helps.  Convenience and inaction will not get you what you want.  You have to be strong, cut the ties, and keep looking for the One, who is out there somewhere.