In the parenting relationship, the parent has only so much control, power, and influence over his or her children, whether they are stubborn and willful or not. If one is particularly lucky, the child will not realize that the parent really does not have the ultimate or inherent power over their person and life until the late teen-age years when the child is in a position to make good judgments for themselves. If, however, the parent is unlucky or has a child that figures out the power dynamic early, parental exertion of power in decision-making and control of the child becomes much more difficult.
The influence bank in that latter situation becomes more critical and parents need to spend their credits wisely. Continually trying to control a headstrong child's every move and decision will result in physical and emotional exhaustion for both the parent and child resulting in frequent and often unnecessary battles of wills.
Assuming that the goal is to get the child to ultimately make good decisions for himself or herself, parents must pick their battles wisely, and cede decision-making power for minor and unimportant matters to the child herself. When the child is a toddler, this can take the form of offering "choices." Smart children get wise to the "choice" option pretty early and realize that it is the parent that is framing the "choices." When this occurs the only realistic option is to have a personal discussion with full disclosure of the real options. The parent must request for the child to put herself in the parents' place (i.e. routinely demand that the child consider the situation from the parents/ perspective- If you were me, what would you decide?) before decisions are made. The more that a decision can be framed as one made mutually, the greater the success the parent will have with compliance on the child's part.
Spending you entire influence bank early will leave the parent with no ammunition when the significant battles of will arise. When the parent makes no attempt to grant the child autonomy even in small matters, the stage is set for defiance on the child's part to every parental direction. Parents must think before they "lay down the law" as to whether it is really necessary on this occasion. Doing otherwise will result in parents harping and children ignoring the harping. You only have so many chips, so don't waste them!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
To Grandparent or Not to Grandparent
Nosy Aunt Josie received a request for specific advice. The writer's son is not married to, but has two children with, a person for whom he cares deeply. She is about to give birth to a third child and there is a question as to whether the child is his. The son's mother asked whether she should visit immediately or await the results of a paternity test (two days).
Initially Aunt Josie thought that waiting the two days might be the prudent thing to do. However, on reconsideration, the answer depends on whether the writer's son intends to treat the child as his own no matter the results of the paternity test, whether the writer's son intends to stay with the mother of his other two children, whether the baby's mother needs the support, and whether the son's mother can support this family irrespective of the baby's paternity. Aunt Josie now votes for going as soon as possible and supporting the new family if the answers to most of the above questions are "Yes."
It should be pointed out that this baby is an innocent born into a complex situation. It could probably use all the love and support it can get, especially from older wiser "grandparents." Hope this is a better answer.
Initially Aunt Josie thought that waiting the two days might be the prudent thing to do. However, on reconsideration, the answer depends on whether the writer's son intends to treat the child as his own no matter the results of the paternity test, whether the writer's son intends to stay with the mother of his other two children, whether the baby's mother needs the support, and whether the son's mother can support this family irrespective of the baby's paternity. Aunt Josie now votes for going as soon as possible and supporting the new family if the answers to most of the above questions are "Yes."
It should be pointed out that this baby is an innocent born into a complex situation. It could probably use all the love and support it can get, especially from older wiser "grandparents." Hope this is a better answer.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Anger and Disappointment
Nothing prompts these old negative emotions like betrayal, perceived or real, from people one considers to be friends. How to deal with these emotions, and the people who evoke them, is a real problem for the person who has been injured. Responding appropriately directly to the person who created the anger is of paramount importance so that the anger one is feeling is not displaced onto innocent third parties.
Direct confrontation and information as to how hurt the person is versus simply ignoring the person are both viable prerogatives. Aunt Josie recommends a variation of the direct approach. Writing or e-mailing the offender and spelling out how you feel and how you will treat the person henceforth will allow an outlet for the negative feelings. It may also invite a reply, an apology, a defensive or another negative response which the writer must be prepared to receive. The injured party should also have a plan as to how he will deal with chance encounters in public situations or other social occasions where the betrayer will likely be present. Not attending an event only harms the already dismayed person and will likely have no effect on the betrayer. However, limiting one's attendance and behaving politely but remotely can be effectively remove the person from one's social scene and allow the injured party to maintain other uninvolved friends.
How do you deal with this scenario, readers? Any good suggestions?
Direct confrontation and information as to how hurt the person is versus simply ignoring the person are both viable prerogatives. Aunt Josie recommends a variation of the direct approach. Writing or e-mailing the offender and spelling out how you feel and how you will treat the person henceforth will allow an outlet for the negative feelings. It may also invite a reply, an apology, a defensive or another negative response which the writer must be prepared to receive. The injured party should also have a plan as to how he will deal with chance encounters in public situations or other social occasions where the betrayer will likely be present. Not attending an event only harms the already dismayed person and will likely have no effect on the betrayer. However, limiting one's attendance and behaving politely but remotely can be effectively remove the person from one's social scene and allow the injured party to maintain other uninvolved friends.
How do you deal with this scenario, readers? Any good suggestions?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Transcenders
On occasion, one meets a person who has experienced a difficult childhood, horrible illnesses, and just plain bad luck in his or her formative years. Rather than remain a victim of the particular circumstance(s) from which he or she never really recovers, this individual rises above his or her plight and succeeds despite overwhelming odds to the contrary.
These "transcenders" usually have one outstanding trait. They believe in themselves and never stop trying.
They think of disappointments and failures as "temporary" set-backs and keep on plodding towards their goals. Transcenders usually don't keep asking themselves if they are happy, but interact with others in ways that make them happy. Aunt Josie would like to ask her readers what other traits they think transcenders manifest that the rest of us do not. If we could discover what makes these individuals tick and apply it to folks trapped in the "poor me" cycle, many more people would be much better off.
These "transcenders" usually have one outstanding trait. They believe in themselves and never stop trying.
They think of disappointments and failures as "temporary" set-backs and keep on plodding towards their goals. Transcenders usually don't keep asking themselves if they are happy, but interact with others in ways that make them happy. Aunt Josie would like to ask her readers what other traits they think transcenders manifest that the rest of us do not. If we could discover what makes these individuals tick and apply it to folks trapped in the "poor me" cycle, many more people would be much better off.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Having It All
The article in the Atlantic a few weeks ago, http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020, caused quite a stir in the young mother community. Aunt Josie has been mulling the impact of it for a some time and concedes that Anne-Marie Slaughter has a point or two. Aunt Josie always counseled that you can have it all, but only sequentially. She is now forced to reconsider this advice. When women had their children in their late twenties, there was still time to recover one's career and advance after the children left home (when the woman was in her late forties). Now, however, with women choosing to continue their education and/or advance in their careers until their mid to late 30's, Aunt Josie must reluctantly agree with Slaughter that the choice to have children and raise them oneself may now be an either/or proposition in terms of advancing in one's career.
Aunt Josie does disagree with Slaughter on some very significant points. First, it does matter who one partners with to have and raise children. Mr. Mom and/or any partner who can and will assume household and child-rearing responsibilities adequately will make one's life significantly easier. Second, the degree of desire and determination that one has to rise to the top of one's profession is always balanced against what is going on in anyone's personal life. Both women and men must engage in this balancing act to take care of elderly parents, disabled family members, as well as children. Slaughter suggests that only women must engage in this balancing act and sacrifice career for family or personal life. This simply is not the case.
So what is a young, forward thinking woman to do? First, accept that there is always a balancing act existing between one's (selfish/ personal) choices such as career, education,outside interests, etc., and one's responsibilities to others (family/relationship needs, desires, dictates). Look ahead and anticipate these conflicts and make general and specific priorities. Accept that you are not a superwoman, but an everywoman. Build a little time into your life for your own interests. But, in the end, plot your course considering both your interests and those of your family and do not second-guess yourself.
Aunt Josie maintains that if you do this, it is still possible to raise healthy, happy children and engage in meaningful work and outside activities. Not easy, but certainly not impossible!
Aunt Josie does disagree with Slaughter on some very significant points. First, it does matter who one partners with to have and raise children. Mr. Mom and/or any partner who can and will assume household and child-rearing responsibilities adequately will make one's life significantly easier. Second, the degree of desire and determination that one has to rise to the top of one's profession is always balanced against what is going on in anyone's personal life. Both women and men must engage in this balancing act to take care of elderly parents, disabled family members, as well as children. Slaughter suggests that only women must engage in this balancing act and sacrifice career for family or personal life. This simply is not the case.
So what is a young, forward thinking woman to do? First, accept that there is always a balancing act existing between one's (selfish/ personal) choices such as career, education,outside interests, etc., and one's responsibilities to others (family/relationship needs, desires, dictates). Look ahead and anticipate these conflicts and make general and specific priorities. Accept that you are not a superwoman, but an everywoman. Build a little time into your life for your own interests. But, in the end, plot your course considering both your interests and those of your family and do not second-guess yourself.
Aunt Josie maintains that if you do this, it is still possible to raise healthy, happy children and engage in meaningful work and outside activities. Not easy, but certainly not impossible!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Desperation
Many in the dating scene wonder why they are having difficulty getting the second date. Things start off brightly and the person who definitely wants to follow-up is left wondering why the other person decided not to pursue the relationship. Aunt Josie believes that often it is because one of the parties is trying too hard. They exude an aura of intensity, seriousness and/or desperation which scares the other person off before a bona fide connection can be made.
To avoid this, the person who is giving off the serious, intense aura must recognize that they are doing this and STOP! But how? First, recognize that you are intense and work on keeping things light and noncommittal for the first few dates. Second, no one want to hear how hard you life is at the present time or a laundry list of all your petty and serious annoyances. When answering questions about yourself, be truthful but avoid discussing any illnesses or serious impediments to a developing relationship (like a maniacal ex-boyfriend, etc.) Obviously these things will ultimately come up as the relationship develops and may, in fact, be deal-breakers, but give the person a chance to know you.
Finally and probably most importantly, have fun on those first few dates. Don't look at your date as a potential life partner at this stage and scrutinize him. Just see if she is a friendly person with whom you can share some pleasant experiences. Arrange to do some fun things for the first couple of encounters and evaluate whether or not this is a person with whom you can laugh.
Nothing will chase away potential partners as fast as a good dose of desperation, so avoid presenting yourself in this way at all costs.
To avoid this, the person who is giving off the serious, intense aura must recognize that they are doing this and STOP! But how? First, recognize that you are intense and work on keeping things light and noncommittal for the first few dates. Second, no one want to hear how hard you life is at the present time or a laundry list of all your petty and serious annoyances. When answering questions about yourself, be truthful but avoid discussing any illnesses or serious impediments to a developing relationship (like a maniacal ex-boyfriend, etc.) Obviously these things will ultimately come up as the relationship develops and may, in fact, be deal-breakers, but give the person a chance to know you.
Finally and probably most importantly, have fun on those first few dates. Don't look at your date as a potential life partner at this stage and scrutinize him. Just see if she is a friendly person with whom you can share some pleasant experiences. Arrange to do some fun things for the first couple of encounters and evaluate whether or not this is a person with whom you can laugh.
Nothing will chase away potential partners as fast as a good dose of desperation, so avoid presenting yourself in this way at all costs.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The Merits of a Crappy Experience
Most parents want to make their children's lives are as happy as possible. This is a good thing. However, trying to shield your child from all discomfort, disappointment and stress is a bad thing. Your child needs to be able to experience life's disappointments without falling apart or constantly turning to you the parent "to make things okay."
Infants need to know that they can fall, experience some minor discomfort, and deal with the mishap themselves. "You're okay" is a reassuring way of encouraging the infant or toddler to that he or she is fine and can deal with the discomfort himself.
For the older child, turning the problem back to the child for a solution by asking how he or she plans to deal with it or simply acknowledging that something must be pretty disappointing or embarrassing is sometimes all that is required.
In small increments, children need to learn that they are not entitled to a perfect life, that there will be downs as well as ups, and that they will survive the "downs." They will not be able to understand this if the parent is constantly shielding the child or solving all of the child's problems. So, let your children have a crappy experience. Talk about it with them or give them the privacy and space to deal with it themsleves. The result will be a self-confident child who does for himself/herself when it is necessary and does not fall apart at the slightest provocation.
Infants need to know that they can fall, experience some minor discomfort, and deal with the mishap themselves. "You're okay" is a reassuring way of encouraging the infant or toddler to that he or she is fine and can deal with the discomfort himself.
For the older child, turning the problem back to the child for a solution by asking how he or she plans to deal with it or simply acknowledging that something must be pretty disappointing or embarrassing is sometimes all that is required.
In small increments, children need to learn that they are not entitled to a perfect life, that there will be downs as well as ups, and that they will survive the "downs." They will not be able to understand this if the parent is constantly shielding the child or solving all of the child's problems. So, let your children have a crappy experience. Talk about it with them or give them the privacy and space to deal with it themsleves. The result will be a self-confident child who does for himself/herself when it is necessary and does not fall apart at the slightest provocation.
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