On breaking up with a partner, there is a tendency to throw oneself into frantic social activity to stave off depression or to simply get back in the romantic game. While this is generally harmless, a note of precaution should be sounded just the same. The first new relationship, especially if it is very soon after the break-up, may be simply a rebound situation where one is desperate to be with someone and cannot really evaluate the new person for who he or she really is.
What to do? Three things. First it is necessary to evaluate what attracted you to your original partner in the first place and why that original relationship failed. This should be done prior to jumping into any future relationship. Second and third, a skeptical attempt to evaluate the new partner objectively and a delay in rushing things even though you feel head-over-heels in love are good starters. The main advice is to go slowly! That rebound guy or girl might just end up being the perfect fit, but you won't know it for some time. Going too fast can result in misunderstandings and hurt feelings for both parties if they ultimately find out that they are incompatible. So go slow and get to know the new person without rushing things. Commitment, if it is right, will blossom and mature on its own time schedule. Think positively and enjoy the new partner on his or her own merits. Aunt Josie is not saying that a rebound guy or girl will never work out. After all, Aunt Josie's own wonderful significant other of over 40 years was a rebound. Just understand the rebound dynamics involved and get to know the new person without urgency at a leisurely pace and have fun.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Saturday, November 30, 2013
That Trashy Look
A young woman friend of Aunt Josie's approached her with a repeating complaint. She wondered why she could not attract and/or find any high-quality men. Acknowledging that she received plenty of attention from members of the male sex, she despaired about finding someone with whom she could form a meaningful relationship. Without pulling any punches, Aunt Josie told her that she should re-examine how she dresses, her make-up and how she presents herself to the world at large.
Aunt Josie is no prude and has no problem with young and not-so-young women dressing suggestively if that is the image they want others to have of them. However, dressing in a highly suggestive manner will not bring high quality men who wish to settle into their orbit. It will garner much attention, but no real takers. Suggestive dress and make-up also distracts men from exploring beyond the way a woman looks into her personality and internal make-up. The man is too busy thinking about the sexual possibilities to contemplate the person beyond the externals.
Another interesting problem posed by suggestive dress is animosity from other women. A recent article in the Science section of the New York Times set out the cattiness manifested by ostensible friends and acquaintances of a woman who was dressed suggestively. Since friends are very helpful in introducing single women to high-quality male friends and acquaintances, this type of animosity can prove a real barrier to meeting potential mates through female friends.
So, Aunt Josie's "unadorned" advice is to drop the vamp look and dress more conservatively. You need not sacrifice beauty, simply dress and apply make-up to achieve a more refined image. When meeting someone worth investing in, you will not need to worry about whether they are just interested in you sexually because you will have presented a much fuller image of the genuine you.
Aunt Josie is no prude and has no problem with young and not-so-young women dressing suggestively if that is the image they want others to have of them. However, dressing in a highly suggestive manner will not bring high quality men who wish to settle into their orbit. It will garner much attention, but no real takers. Suggestive dress and make-up also distracts men from exploring beyond the way a woman looks into her personality and internal make-up. The man is too busy thinking about the sexual possibilities to contemplate the person beyond the externals.
Another interesting problem posed by suggestive dress is animosity from other women. A recent article in the Science section of the New York Times set out the cattiness manifested by ostensible friends and acquaintances of a woman who was dressed suggestively. Since friends are very helpful in introducing single women to high-quality male friends and acquaintances, this type of animosity can prove a real barrier to meeting potential mates through female friends.
So, Aunt Josie's "unadorned" advice is to drop the vamp look and dress more conservatively. You need not sacrifice beauty, simply dress and apply make-up to achieve a more refined image. When meeting someone worth investing in, you will not need to worry about whether they are just interested in you sexually because you will have presented a much fuller image of the genuine you.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Giving Real Gifts over the Holidays
Aunt Josie is not really addressing an inquiry but more or less making a suggestion as the rush of the holidays overtakes us. Many of us spend entirely too much time trying to find the "right" material present for the ones we love when a genuine gift is right before our eyes. We can give the gift of our time. This is especially true for gifts to children who probably don't need another toy or gizmo to add to the pile in their bedroom. Taking them to the zoo, to the children's museum, to a park, or to any child-centered activity, and being really attentive during the experience, helps to build a lasting relationship with the child. If a material gift is absolutely necessary, a gift which invites participation with you, the giver, whether it be a craft activity or a game, beats any present where the child is engaged in a solitary pursuit.
A great aunt, uncle, grandparent, or any family member can write each grandchild (great niece or nephew) or any child recipient a hand-written letter (perhaps not to be opened until later in the child's life) each year simply providing information about the extended family, the love that is felt for the child, and observations about the child's current status and development. These letters can show a level of care far greater than the time expended to write them.
The same logic applies to the elderly, many of whom are trying to escape from clutter and material "things". Almost all of them, however, would appreciate a visit and/or tangible offers to complete tasks that are difficult for them to perform themselves or an offer to accompany them on trip outside of their home. They might like an excursion, such as walking or sitting in the outdoors in a park, or stopping at a coffee shop, book store, or any other place that they would like to visit, but where going solo is difficult.
Gifts of service, such as childcare, senior care, the performance of home repair or maintenance tasks, and gifts of remembrance such as scrapbooks, photos, or handwritten letters are also usually appreciated by loved ones of any age. The key to these types of promises to perform tasks, is, however, follow through. It goes without saying that it is meaningless to make "promise" gifts if one never gets around to fulfilling the promise.
So before you purchase that holiday sweater, perfume, tie, etc., think what you can really give to that special someone. You won't regret it.
A great aunt, uncle, grandparent, or any family member can write each grandchild (great niece or nephew) or any child recipient a hand-written letter (perhaps not to be opened until later in the child's life) each year simply providing information about the extended family, the love that is felt for the child, and observations about the child's current status and development. These letters can show a level of care far greater than the time expended to write them.
The same logic applies to the elderly, many of whom are trying to escape from clutter and material "things". Almost all of them, however, would appreciate a visit and/or tangible offers to complete tasks that are difficult for them to perform themselves or an offer to accompany them on trip outside of their home. They might like an excursion, such as walking or sitting in the outdoors in a park, or stopping at a coffee shop, book store, or any other place that they would like to visit, but where going solo is difficult.
Gifts of service, such as childcare, senior care, the performance of home repair or maintenance tasks, and gifts of remembrance such as scrapbooks, photos, or handwritten letters are also usually appreciated by loved ones of any age. The key to these types of promises to perform tasks, is, however, follow through. It goes without saying that it is meaningless to make "promise" gifts if one never gets around to fulfilling the promise.
So before you purchase that holiday sweater, perfume, tie, etc., think what you can really give to that special someone. You won't regret it.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Making Concessions and Maintaining the Family
A young mother of two posed the following problem for Aunt Josie and her friends to consider:
Her mother, a widow of approximately five years, had been a very involved grandmother to the young mother's two children. The young mother's sister, who was also expecting, anticipated that this would be the case with her children.
Then Grandmother met a man and became romantically involved. She gave this new relationship top priority and advised both daughters that the new relationship came first. Neither daughter likes Grandmother's new guy. Grandmother has ceased lavishing attention on any grandchildren and is wrapped up in the new romance. In the young mother's view, Grandmother has opted out of grand-parenting. She does not visit often. When the young mother attempted to visit Grandmother, the significant other was there at all times and very little attention was paid ( in the young mother's opinion) to the grandchildren. The young mother and her sister are despondent about the state of things and request advice.
Aunt Josie can see both sides of this situation. She believes that Grandmother is entitled to a separate, and yes, exciting romantic relationship that will in fact have implications as to the amount of time devoted to the grandchildren. The best strategy for young mother and her sister is to realize that the new guy is important to their mother, accept him, and integrate him into their family as best they can. If they love and care about their mother, they will accept her partner notwithstanding qualms or reservations about him, unless they are well-founded with some factual basis behind them.
Once this has been accomplished, young mother and her sister, should meet with their mother either by themselves or with the assistance of a therapist to have a frank discussion about their disappointment with the quantity and quality of time that she is spending with the grandchildren. They should point out how much they love her and thank her for what she has already contributed in the care and raising of young mother's children. However, the primary thrust of this conversation should be the fact that children are only young for a very short time and missed opportunities in bonding with them and establishing a relationship cannot easily be recovered at a later date. They can ask Grandmother to set aside some special time with each grandchild, or set of grandchildren, and explain how important this is to them and their children.
Having said all of this, Aunt Josie also advises the young mother who requested the advice to remember two other important emotional dictums. First, you cannot compel someone to love your children, but you can continue to set the stage for inclusion and involvement by your mother, if you can deal with and contain your disappointment when it does not proceed as you hope it will. Second, if you genuinely make attempts to include Grandmother's guy and continue to offer opportunities for inter-action with your children, at some point, Grandmother just might "get it!"
I throw this problem open to comment from the other members of Aunt Josie's virtual coffee klatsch.
Her mother, a widow of approximately five years, had been a very involved grandmother to the young mother's two children. The young mother's sister, who was also expecting, anticipated that this would be the case with her children.
Then Grandmother met a man and became romantically involved. She gave this new relationship top priority and advised both daughters that the new relationship came first. Neither daughter likes Grandmother's new guy. Grandmother has ceased lavishing attention on any grandchildren and is wrapped up in the new romance. In the young mother's view, Grandmother has opted out of grand-parenting. She does not visit often. When the young mother attempted to visit Grandmother, the significant other was there at all times and very little attention was paid ( in the young mother's opinion) to the grandchildren. The young mother and her sister are despondent about the state of things and request advice.
Aunt Josie can see both sides of this situation. She believes that Grandmother is entitled to a separate, and yes, exciting romantic relationship that will in fact have implications as to the amount of time devoted to the grandchildren. The best strategy for young mother and her sister is to realize that the new guy is important to their mother, accept him, and integrate him into their family as best they can. If they love and care about their mother, they will accept her partner notwithstanding qualms or reservations about him, unless they are well-founded with some factual basis behind them.
Once this has been accomplished, young mother and her sister, should meet with their mother either by themselves or with the assistance of a therapist to have a frank discussion about their disappointment with the quantity and quality of time that she is spending with the grandchildren. They should point out how much they love her and thank her for what she has already contributed in the care and raising of young mother's children. However, the primary thrust of this conversation should be the fact that children are only young for a very short time and missed opportunities in bonding with them and establishing a relationship cannot easily be recovered at a later date. They can ask Grandmother to set aside some special time with each grandchild, or set of grandchildren, and explain how important this is to them and their children.
Having said all of this, Aunt Josie also advises the young mother who requested the advice to remember two other important emotional dictums. First, you cannot compel someone to love your children, but you can continue to set the stage for inclusion and involvement by your mother, if you can deal with and contain your disappointment when it does not proceed as you hope it will. Second, if you genuinely make attempts to include Grandmother's guy and continue to offer opportunities for inter-action with your children, at some point, Grandmother just might "get it!"
I throw this problem open to comment from the other members of Aunt Josie's virtual coffee klatsch.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Aim High
Speaking with a recent college graduate, Aunt Josie asked what her future career plans were. The young college grad shrugged and indicated that she really did not know how to go about looking for a meaningful career in the area for which she had received a degree. Aunt Josie then asked her to identify her fantasy career five or six years into the future. This, the grad could imagine readily. Aunt Josie then asked whether the young woman could think of any intermediate steps toward achieving her career goals. With some prodding, at least two preliminary measures were identified. After the two preliminary measures were identified, other supplemental activities easily arose in the mind of the young graduate.
After a serious discussion on the practicalities of arranging to take the necessary steps, where there was once an attitude of resigned impotence, there was now an attitude of hopeful anticipation.
What can be learned from this. Aunt Josie believes that all young people should shoot high when it comes to career goals. They should all have a five-year plan or path laid out as to how to accomplish a portion of their future goal. Any grandiose goal can be broken into much smaller parts or facets that are more easily accomplished. Furthermore, the mere act of attempting to accomplish a portion of one's goal will lead a person into a different place from which an entirely novel or different goal or perspective may emerge.
The master plan, itself, is not half as important as as merely escaping the paralysis negative thinking which accompany inaction. Plans can change, but without a plan it is difficult to motivate oneself to accomplish any important career-related task. If a young person continues to free-float aimlessly, the chances of waking up and working towards something tangible become less and less. So, think big, start small, but start! You won't regret it.
After a serious discussion on the practicalities of arranging to take the necessary steps, where there was once an attitude of resigned impotence, there was now an attitude of hopeful anticipation.
What can be learned from this. Aunt Josie believes that all young people should shoot high when it comes to career goals. They should all have a five-year plan or path laid out as to how to accomplish a portion of their future goal. Any grandiose goal can be broken into much smaller parts or facets that are more easily accomplished. Furthermore, the mere act of attempting to accomplish a portion of one's goal will lead a person into a different place from which an entirely novel or different goal or perspective may emerge.
The master plan, itself, is not half as important as as merely escaping the paralysis negative thinking which accompany inaction. Plans can change, but without a plan it is difficult to motivate oneself to accomplish any important career-related task. If a young person continues to free-float aimlessly, the chances of waking up and working towards something tangible become less and less. So, think big, start small, but start! You won't regret it.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Teen Impatience
Young adults often believe that their parents (and most other adults) are stupid and boring. Probably since the beginning of the stage of life known as adolescence, this has been a common sentiment of the young. It may also very well be true in many instances as older adults can often be dumb and/or boring. It is perfectly okay for a teenager to feel this way.
What is not okay, however, is for the young to voice this opinion to their elders, to address them sarcastically, and to treat their elders with contempt. Good manners, consideration for others, and just plain self-interest dictate that the young person keep his/her opinion to himself/herself. No adult likes to be challenged in this regard by a "young smartypants." Showing contempt for another does not win one accolades from that person or other adults observing the inter-action. Furthermore it is just mean behavior on the part of the young person.
So, the savvy teen feels what they feel, but keeps it to his or herself. He/she is regarded as thoughtful, nice, polite and compassionate. That is a far better reputation to have than one as a surly, know-it all, kid. Enough said.
What is not okay, however, is for the young to voice this opinion to their elders, to address them sarcastically, and to treat their elders with contempt. Good manners, consideration for others, and just plain self-interest dictate that the young person keep his/her opinion to himself/herself. No adult likes to be challenged in this regard by a "young smartypants." Showing contempt for another does not win one accolades from that person or other adults observing the inter-action. Furthermore it is just mean behavior on the part of the young person.
So, the savvy teen feels what they feel, but keeps it to his or herself. He/she is regarded as thoughtful, nice, polite and compassionate. That is a far better reputation to have than one as a surly, know-it all, kid. Enough said.
Friday, March 22, 2013
The Family Narrative
Aunt Josie was struck by the recent studies showing that children who understand that they are part of a larger whole in terms of family do better academically. The March 17 Sunday Style section of the New York Times article "The Stories that Bind Us" contains some very provocative information about resilience in children who know about their family history in terms of warding off stress. Children who could answer such questions as "Do you know where your grandparents grew up?" "Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school?" "Where they met?" "Do you know about an illness or something terrible that happened to your family?" "Do you know the story of your birth?" scored higher in having a sense of control over their own lives. They also scored significantly higher in self-esteem. Scoring high on this scale turned out to be the single best predictor of children's emotional health and happiness.
Family histories were classified into three groups: ascendent, descendant and oscillating. The ascendant narrative is the "your grandparents had nothing, I'm doing better and you will do much better" type of family story. Descendant is "We used to have it all, but we have been losing everything lately." Oscillating is "As a family, we have had our ups and downs, but no matter what has happened, we have stuck together as a group". The article suggests that the oscillating family narrative is the best and most healthful for children.
So what can we take from this. First, multigenerational families matter. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. all contribute to building a sense of family. Second, children need to hear both the positives and the negatives of the family's experience. They need to know that they are part of something larger than themselves which will survive. Finally, anything that creates unity and strong family bonds will help your child in grounding him with respect to his place in the world. A family theme song, family holiday traditions, kind family jokes, and family reunions now turn out to be important assets helping children decrease stress and survive in an increasingly complex world. So, promote the family story, it helps children grow.
Family histories were classified into three groups: ascendent, descendant and oscillating. The ascendant narrative is the "your grandparents had nothing, I'm doing better and you will do much better" type of family story. Descendant is "We used to have it all, but we have been losing everything lately." Oscillating is "As a family, we have had our ups and downs, but no matter what has happened, we have stuck together as a group". The article suggests that the oscillating family narrative is the best and most healthful for children.
So what can we take from this. First, multigenerational families matter. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. all contribute to building a sense of family. Second, children need to hear both the positives and the negatives of the family's experience. They need to know that they are part of something larger than themselves which will survive. Finally, anything that creates unity and strong family bonds will help your child in grounding him with respect to his place in the world. A family theme song, family holiday traditions, kind family jokes, and family reunions now turn out to be important assets helping children decrease stress and survive in an increasingly complex world. So, promote the family story, it helps children grow.
Friday, February 15, 2013
The First Rule of Grandparenting
Unfortunately one does not become a "grandparent" automatically when one's child has a child. The grandparent relationship, no matter how much one may desire it, is contingent upon the relationship that the grandparents have with their child (the mother or father of their grandchild) and their child's partner (the other parent of the child). It is the parents who determine how much time and what type of access the grandparent will have to the the grandchild. So it behooves every grandparent to establish and maintain a good relationship with their children and their children's spouses and to defer to the decisions of the grandchildren's parents no matter how much the grandparent may disagree with some of those decisions. (Aunt Josie is still learning in this area also.)
As with most relationships, communication with the parents is paramount. Refusing to criticize parenting decisions and not undermining or sabotaging parental actions is very important. Following directions and trying to stay available for babysitting and any other type of assistance that you can offer will also be helpful. Listening carefully to any objections that your grandchild's parents may have to your behavior without becoming defensive will go a long way too. Acknowledging that it has been a long time since you were a parent and that parenting methods may have changed gives your child lee-way to trust in your flexibility and ability to follow their directions.
Finally, remember that you are not the mother or father. Your loving role is secondary and supplemental to those of the parents. If you follow these "rules," With any luck, your children will allow you to enjoy their children and you will experience the joy that comes from establishing a relationship with that special little person.
As with most relationships, communication with the parents is paramount. Refusing to criticize parenting decisions and not undermining or sabotaging parental actions is very important. Following directions and trying to stay available for babysitting and any other type of assistance that you can offer will also be helpful. Listening carefully to any objections that your grandchild's parents may have to your behavior without becoming defensive will go a long way too. Acknowledging that it has been a long time since you were a parent and that parenting methods may have changed gives your child lee-way to trust in your flexibility and ability to follow their directions.
Finally, remember that you are not the mother or father. Your loving role is secondary and supplemental to those of the parents. If you follow these "rules," With any luck, your children will allow you to enjoy their children and you will experience the joy that comes from establishing a relationship with that special little person.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
When to Get Off the Pot
This post is directed primarily to my single female readers who care about having their own biological children and are waiting for that special someone to come through and pop "the question." If you have been with someone for a substantial period of time (not less than 2 years), have hinted broadly that you would like to become engaged, get married, have children, etc. in the not-too-distant future, and have listened carefully to the response to those broad hints from your significant other, and no proposal is forthcoming, here are your options:
1. Continue to wait while your biological clock is ticking.
2. Set a dead-line for the hoped-for response and communicate said deadline clearly to you beloved.
3. Give an ultimatum now. (This depends on your willingness to follow through with the ultimatum.)
4. Break-up and be open to finding another partner.
If you are female and older, Option 1 is the riskiest because it continues to eat up valuable time.
Option 2 is viable no matter what stage you are in as long as you realize that "no decision" is a decision in and of itself at some point. Option 3 cuts to the chase. It should not be pursued if one is unprepared to follow through on the ultimatum. However, if you have been seeing someone for an extensive period of time, perhaps you owe yourself the truth about where the relationship is going. Option 4, the position that most women who have invested time in the relationship really don't want to be in, is still better than nagging a beloved or trying to force someone to do something that they really do not want to do.
So, ladies, here it is. None of the above should be pursued without fully discussing your hopes, dreams and aspirations for the relationship with your partner and listening carefully to what they are hoping, dreaming and aspiring to also. Good luck.
1. Continue to wait while your biological clock is ticking.
2. Set a dead-line for the hoped-for response and communicate said deadline clearly to you beloved.
3. Give an ultimatum now. (This depends on your willingness to follow through with the ultimatum.)
4. Break-up and be open to finding another partner.
If you are female and older, Option 1 is the riskiest because it continues to eat up valuable time.
Option 2 is viable no matter what stage you are in as long as you realize that "no decision" is a decision in and of itself at some point. Option 3 cuts to the chase. It should not be pursued if one is unprepared to follow through on the ultimatum. However, if you have been seeing someone for an extensive period of time, perhaps you owe yourself the truth about where the relationship is going. Option 4, the position that most women who have invested time in the relationship really don't want to be in, is still better than nagging a beloved or trying to force someone to do something that they really do not want to do.
So, ladies, here it is. None of the above should be pursued without fully discussing your hopes, dreams and aspirations for the relationship with your partner and listening carefully to what they are hoping, dreaming and aspiring to also. Good luck.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Breaking Up (Involuntarily)
Is there such a thing as a good break-up? Not really, if it is viewed from the perspective of the person with whom one is breaking up. There are, however, things to avoid at all costs and things that one can do to make oneself feel better. First off, acknowledge all the negative feelings that this is creating. Wallow in your despondency for a given period of time (not to exceed 3 months). You can play Aron Neville's "Everybody Plays the Fool" or Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" nonstop until the despondency/negativity gives way to some other emotion. Trust me, if you give free rein to your feelings, they will ultimately change.
Second, don't forget to eat and take care of yourself physically. That weight drop may look attractive, but it is really unhealthy. Connect with other family and friends who care about you. When you need an ear to listen, go to people who will do that for you. If they cannot show the care, concern, sympathy, and support that you need, get it from other friends/ family who can.
Third, stifle your pride about being "dumped." Whether long-term relationship, marriage, or short sojourn, it happens to just about everyone at some time in their life. True friends know that this is hard on anyone's ego.
Fourth, distract yourself. There is a fine balance between trying to analyze what went wrong to learn from it and obsessively going over what one could have done differently. Dwelling on the departed beloved is counter-productive. It helps to tell oneself that this person was obviously not "right" for you or that building a future with them would be a mistake based on their current behavior towards you.
Fifth and finally, love yourself. Don't devalue yourself based upon all the negative feelings an unanticipated break-up will engender. Time is your friend and this too will pass.
Second, don't forget to eat and take care of yourself physically. That weight drop may look attractive, but it is really unhealthy. Connect with other family and friends who care about you. When you need an ear to listen, go to people who will do that for you. If they cannot show the care, concern, sympathy, and support that you need, get it from other friends/ family who can.
Third, stifle your pride about being "dumped." Whether long-term relationship, marriage, or short sojourn, it happens to just about everyone at some time in their life. True friends know that this is hard on anyone's ego.
Fourth, distract yourself. There is a fine balance between trying to analyze what went wrong to learn from it and obsessively going over what one could have done differently. Dwelling on the departed beloved is counter-productive. It helps to tell oneself that this person was obviously not "right" for you or that building a future with them would be a mistake based on their current behavior towards you.
Fifth and finally, love yourself. Don't devalue yourself based upon all the negative feelings an unanticipated break-up will engender. Time is your friend and this too will pass.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
The Influence Bank and How to Spend Your Credit
In the parenting relationship, the parent has only so much control, power, and influence over his or her children, whether they are stubborn and willful or not. If one is particularly lucky, the child will not realize that the parent really does not have the ultimate or inherent power over their person and life until the late teen-age years when the child is in a position to make good judgments for themselves. If, however, the parent is unlucky or has a child that figures out the power dynamic early, parental exertion of power in decision-making and control of the child becomes much more difficult.
The influence bank in that latter situation becomes more critical and parents need to spend their credits wisely. Continually trying to control a headstrong child's every move and decision will result in physical and emotional exhaustion for both the parent and child resulting in frequent and often unnecessary battles of wills.
Assuming that the goal is to get the child to ultimately make good decisions for himself or herself, parents must pick their battles wisely, and cede decision-making power for minor and unimportant matters to the child herself. When the child is a toddler, this can take the form of offering "choices." Smart children get wise to the "choice" option pretty early and realize that it is the parent that is framing the "choices." When this occurs the only realistic option is to have a personal discussion with full disclosure of the real options. The parent must request for the child to put herself in the parents' place (i.e. routinely demand that the child consider the situation from the parents/ perspective- If you were me, what would you decide?) before decisions are made. The more that a decision can be framed as one made mutually, the greater the success the parent will have with compliance on the child's part.
Spending you entire influence bank early will leave the parent with no ammunition when the significant battles of will arise. When the parent makes no attempt to grant the child autonomy even in small matters, the stage is set for defiance on the child's part to every parental direction. Parents must think before they "lay down the law" as to whether it is really necessary on this occasion. Doing otherwise will result in parents harping and children ignoring the harping. You only have so many chips, so don't waste them!
The influence bank in that latter situation becomes more critical and parents need to spend their credits wisely. Continually trying to control a headstrong child's every move and decision will result in physical and emotional exhaustion for both the parent and child resulting in frequent and often unnecessary battles of wills.
Assuming that the goal is to get the child to ultimately make good decisions for himself or herself, parents must pick their battles wisely, and cede decision-making power for minor and unimportant matters to the child herself. When the child is a toddler, this can take the form of offering "choices." Smart children get wise to the "choice" option pretty early and realize that it is the parent that is framing the "choices." When this occurs the only realistic option is to have a personal discussion with full disclosure of the real options. The parent must request for the child to put herself in the parents' place (i.e. routinely demand that the child consider the situation from the parents/ perspective- If you were me, what would you decide?) before decisions are made. The more that a decision can be framed as one made mutually, the greater the success the parent will have with compliance on the child's part.
Spending you entire influence bank early will leave the parent with no ammunition when the significant battles of will arise. When the parent makes no attempt to grant the child autonomy even in small matters, the stage is set for defiance on the child's part to every parental direction. Parents must think before they "lay down the law" as to whether it is really necessary on this occasion. Doing otherwise will result in parents harping and children ignoring the harping. You only have so many chips, so don't waste them!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
To Grandparent or Not to Grandparent
Nosy Aunt Josie received a request for specific advice. The writer's son is not married to, but has two children with, a person for whom he cares deeply. She is about to give birth to a third child and there is a question as to whether the child is his. The son's mother asked whether she should visit immediately or await the results of a paternity test (two days).
Initially Aunt Josie thought that waiting the two days might be the prudent thing to do. However, on reconsideration, the answer depends on whether the writer's son intends to treat the child as his own no matter the results of the paternity test, whether the writer's son intends to stay with the mother of his other two children, whether the baby's mother needs the support, and whether the son's mother can support this family irrespective of the baby's paternity. Aunt Josie now votes for going as soon as possible and supporting the new family if the answers to most of the above questions are "Yes."
It should be pointed out that this baby is an innocent born into a complex situation. It could probably use all the love and support it can get, especially from older wiser "grandparents." Hope this is a better answer.
Initially Aunt Josie thought that waiting the two days might be the prudent thing to do. However, on reconsideration, the answer depends on whether the writer's son intends to treat the child as his own no matter the results of the paternity test, whether the writer's son intends to stay with the mother of his other two children, whether the baby's mother needs the support, and whether the son's mother can support this family irrespective of the baby's paternity. Aunt Josie now votes for going as soon as possible and supporting the new family if the answers to most of the above questions are "Yes."
It should be pointed out that this baby is an innocent born into a complex situation. It could probably use all the love and support it can get, especially from older wiser "grandparents." Hope this is a better answer.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Anger and Disappointment
Nothing prompts these old negative emotions like betrayal, perceived or real, from people one considers to be friends. How to deal with these emotions, and the people who evoke them, is a real problem for the person who has been injured. Responding appropriately directly to the person who created the anger is of paramount importance so that the anger one is feeling is not displaced onto innocent third parties.
Direct confrontation and information as to how hurt the person is versus simply ignoring the person are both viable prerogatives. Aunt Josie recommends a variation of the direct approach. Writing or e-mailing the offender and spelling out how you feel and how you will treat the person henceforth will allow an outlet for the negative feelings. It may also invite a reply, an apology, a defensive or another negative response which the writer must be prepared to receive. The injured party should also have a plan as to how he will deal with chance encounters in public situations or other social occasions where the betrayer will likely be present. Not attending an event only harms the already dismayed person and will likely have no effect on the betrayer. However, limiting one's attendance and behaving politely but remotely can be effectively remove the person from one's social scene and allow the injured party to maintain other uninvolved friends.
How do you deal with this scenario, readers? Any good suggestions?
Direct confrontation and information as to how hurt the person is versus simply ignoring the person are both viable prerogatives. Aunt Josie recommends a variation of the direct approach. Writing or e-mailing the offender and spelling out how you feel and how you will treat the person henceforth will allow an outlet for the negative feelings. It may also invite a reply, an apology, a defensive or another negative response which the writer must be prepared to receive. The injured party should also have a plan as to how he will deal with chance encounters in public situations or other social occasions where the betrayer will likely be present. Not attending an event only harms the already dismayed person and will likely have no effect on the betrayer. However, limiting one's attendance and behaving politely but remotely can be effectively remove the person from one's social scene and allow the injured party to maintain other uninvolved friends.
How do you deal with this scenario, readers? Any good suggestions?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Transcenders
On occasion, one meets a person who has experienced a difficult childhood, horrible illnesses, and just plain bad luck in his or her formative years. Rather than remain a victim of the particular circumstance(s) from which he or she never really recovers, this individual rises above his or her plight and succeeds despite overwhelming odds to the contrary.
These "transcenders" usually have one outstanding trait. They believe in themselves and never stop trying.
They think of disappointments and failures as "temporary" set-backs and keep on plodding towards their goals. Transcenders usually don't keep asking themselves if they are happy, but interact with others in ways that make them happy. Aunt Josie would like to ask her readers what other traits they think transcenders manifest that the rest of us do not. If we could discover what makes these individuals tick and apply it to folks trapped in the "poor me" cycle, many more people would be much better off.
These "transcenders" usually have one outstanding trait. They believe in themselves and never stop trying.
They think of disappointments and failures as "temporary" set-backs and keep on plodding towards their goals. Transcenders usually don't keep asking themselves if they are happy, but interact with others in ways that make them happy. Aunt Josie would like to ask her readers what other traits they think transcenders manifest that the rest of us do not. If we could discover what makes these individuals tick and apply it to folks trapped in the "poor me" cycle, many more people would be much better off.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Having It All
The article in the Atlantic a few weeks ago, http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020, caused quite a stir in the young mother community. Aunt Josie has been mulling the impact of it for a some time and concedes that Anne-Marie Slaughter has a point or two. Aunt Josie always counseled that you can have it all, but only sequentially. She is now forced to reconsider this advice. When women had their children in their late twenties, there was still time to recover one's career and advance after the children left home (when the woman was in her late forties). Now, however, with women choosing to continue their education and/or advance in their careers until their mid to late 30's, Aunt Josie must reluctantly agree with Slaughter that the choice to have children and raise them oneself may now be an either/or proposition in terms of advancing in one's career.
Aunt Josie does disagree with Slaughter on some very significant points. First, it does matter who one partners with to have and raise children. Mr. Mom and/or any partner who can and will assume household and child-rearing responsibilities adequately will make one's life significantly easier. Second, the degree of desire and determination that one has to rise to the top of one's profession is always balanced against what is going on in anyone's personal life. Both women and men must engage in this balancing act to take care of elderly parents, disabled family members, as well as children. Slaughter suggests that only women must engage in this balancing act and sacrifice career for family or personal life. This simply is not the case.
So what is a young, forward thinking woman to do? First, accept that there is always a balancing act existing between one's (selfish/ personal) choices such as career, education,outside interests, etc., and one's responsibilities to others (family/relationship needs, desires, dictates). Look ahead and anticipate these conflicts and make general and specific priorities. Accept that you are not a superwoman, but an everywoman. Build a little time into your life for your own interests. But, in the end, plot your course considering both your interests and those of your family and do not second-guess yourself.
Aunt Josie maintains that if you do this, it is still possible to raise healthy, happy children and engage in meaningful work and outside activities. Not easy, but certainly not impossible!
Aunt Josie does disagree with Slaughter on some very significant points. First, it does matter who one partners with to have and raise children. Mr. Mom and/or any partner who can and will assume household and child-rearing responsibilities adequately will make one's life significantly easier. Second, the degree of desire and determination that one has to rise to the top of one's profession is always balanced against what is going on in anyone's personal life. Both women and men must engage in this balancing act to take care of elderly parents, disabled family members, as well as children. Slaughter suggests that only women must engage in this balancing act and sacrifice career for family or personal life. This simply is not the case.
So what is a young, forward thinking woman to do? First, accept that there is always a balancing act existing between one's (selfish/ personal) choices such as career, education,outside interests, etc., and one's responsibilities to others (family/relationship needs, desires, dictates). Look ahead and anticipate these conflicts and make general and specific priorities. Accept that you are not a superwoman, but an everywoman. Build a little time into your life for your own interests. But, in the end, plot your course considering both your interests and those of your family and do not second-guess yourself.
Aunt Josie maintains that if you do this, it is still possible to raise healthy, happy children and engage in meaningful work and outside activities. Not easy, but certainly not impossible!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Desperation
Many in the dating scene wonder why they are having difficulty getting the second date. Things start off brightly and the person who definitely wants to follow-up is left wondering why the other person decided not to pursue the relationship. Aunt Josie believes that often it is because one of the parties is trying too hard. They exude an aura of intensity, seriousness and/or desperation which scares the other person off before a bona fide connection can be made.
To avoid this, the person who is giving off the serious, intense aura must recognize that they are doing this and STOP! But how? First, recognize that you are intense and work on keeping things light and noncommittal for the first few dates. Second, no one want to hear how hard you life is at the present time or a laundry list of all your petty and serious annoyances. When answering questions about yourself, be truthful but avoid discussing any illnesses or serious impediments to a developing relationship (like a maniacal ex-boyfriend, etc.) Obviously these things will ultimately come up as the relationship develops and may, in fact, be deal-breakers, but give the person a chance to know you.
Finally and probably most importantly, have fun on those first few dates. Don't look at your date as a potential life partner at this stage and scrutinize him. Just see if she is a friendly person with whom you can share some pleasant experiences. Arrange to do some fun things for the first couple of encounters and evaluate whether or not this is a person with whom you can laugh.
Nothing will chase away potential partners as fast as a good dose of desperation, so avoid presenting yourself in this way at all costs.
To avoid this, the person who is giving off the serious, intense aura must recognize that they are doing this and STOP! But how? First, recognize that you are intense and work on keeping things light and noncommittal for the first few dates. Second, no one want to hear how hard you life is at the present time or a laundry list of all your petty and serious annoyances. When answering questions about yourself, be truthful but avoid discussing any illnesses or serious impediments to a developing relationship (like a maniacal ex-boyfriend, etc.) Obviously these things will ultimately come up as the relationship develops and may, in fact, be deal-breakers, but give the person a chance to know you.
Finally and probably most importantly, have fun on those first few dates. Don't look at your date as a potential life partner at this stage and scrutinize him. Just see if she is a friendly person with whom you can share some pleasant experiences. Arrange to do some fun things for the first couple of encounters and evaluate whether or not this is a person with whom you can laugh.
Nothing will chase away potential partners as fast as a good dose of desperation, so avoid presenting yourself in this way at all costs.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The Merits of a Crappy Experience
Most parents want to make their children's lives are as happy as possible. This is a good thing. However, trying to shield your child from all discomfort, disappointment and stress is a bad thing. Your child needs to be able to experience life's disappointments without falling apart or constantly turning to you the parent "to make things okay."
Infants need to know that they can fall, experience some minor discomfort, and deal with the mishap themselves. "You're okay" is a reassuring way of encouraging the infant or toddler to that he or she is fine and can deal with the discomfort himself.
For the older child, turning the problem back to the child for a solution by asking how he or she plans to deal with it or simply acknowledging that something must be pretty disappointing or embarrassing is sometimes all that is required.
In small increments, children need to learn that they are not entitled to a perfect life, that there will be downs as well as ups, and that they will survive the "downs." They will not be able to understand this if the parent is constantly shielding the child or solving all of the child's problems. So, let your children have a crappy experience. Talk about it with them or give them the privacy and space to deal with it themsleves. The result will be a self-confident child who does for himself/herself when it is necessary and does not fall apart at the slightest provocation.
Infants need to know that they can fall, experience some minor discomfort, and deal with the mishap themselves. "You're okay" is a reassuring way of encouraging the infant or toddler to that he or she is fine and can deal with the discomfort himself.
For the older child, turning the problem back to the child for a solution by asking how he or she plans to deal with it or simply acknowledging that something must be pretty disappointing or embarrassing is sometimes all that is required.
In small increments, children need to learn that they are not entitled to a perfect life, that there will be downs as well as ups, and that they will survive the "downs." They will not be able to understand this if the parent is constantly shielding the child or solving all of the child's problems. So, let your children have a crappy experience. Talk about it with them or give them the privacy and space to deal with it themsleves. The result will be a self-confident child who does for himself/herself when it is necessary and does not fall apart at the slightest provocation.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
The Dance
Everyone in an adult relationship must engage in "the dance." By the dance, Aunt Josie means getting one's emotional needs met while helping to fulfill your partner's emotional needs. As in a real dance, at times one leads and the other follows. But unlike most real life dances, for the dance to be successful, the partners must switch off in who leads and who follows. For this to go well, there must be communication and signals which can be readily interpreted so that the couple does not stop dancing and descend into "But I thought your said....and I know I said this but I really meant that, etc."
Just as with a ball room dance, initially couples are clumsy. But if they stay with it, really make an attempt to learn the signals and the techniques required for the dance, eventually they can glide across the floor (i.e., navigate the ups and downs that real life presents) with a degree of skill and savvy which at some point becomes second nature.
Give and take, lead and follow, support and venture out alone, enjoy the dance without misgivings. It is a fascinating part of adult life that makes us more fully human.
Just as with a ball room dance, initially couples are clumsy. But if they stay with it, really make an attempt to learn the signals and the techniques required for the dance, eventually they can glide across the floor (i.e., navigate the ups and downs that real life presents) with a degree of skill and savvy which at some point becomes second nature.
Give and take, lead and follow, support and venture out alone, enjoy the dance without misgivings. It is a fascinating part of adult life that makes us more fully human.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Assisting Children in Overcoming their Weaknesses
As children develop, they exhibit certain strengths and weakness. Like most adults, they usually want to concentrate on activities where they are already competent and have strong skills. Permitting children to focus, or concentrate exclusively or primarily, on activities where they have already demonstrated mastery or strong skills is, however, a mistake.
Children need to be challenged to leave their comfort zone and to try new things. They need to be applauded for their attempts, especially when they are unsuccessful initially. This is the time when it is especially important to encourage them to keep trying. Repeatedly explaining as often as is necessary that failure followed by more practice is an inherent and intrinsic part of learning is crucial. Assisting the child to repeat the practice of the skill for as many times as it takes until mastery is achieved is also important. When the child balks, this can be a very unpleasant part of parenting, but it is your job to insure that your child is well-rounded and developmentally on target.
Older children and teens often become stuck when it comes to overcoming their deficits because of their desire to perform perfectly the first time. They may be so locked into this attitude that they refuse to attempt any new activity which cannot be accomplished with perfection the first time round. The best remedy for this attitude of "not trying unless I can do it perfect" is parental modeling. The parent should attempt new activities and show that the world does not end if the endeavor ends in failure. The parent should demonstrate determination with repeated attempts and practice accompanied by sense of humor until the task or endeavor is accomplished. Then the child sees and understands that success usually does not occur without initial failure and repeated practice attempts.
Whether it is development of gross or small motor skills in a toddler, participating in sports, musical, or artistic endeavosr as a grade school or pre-teen child, or the mastering of a difficult school subject as a teen-ager, the parent must set the standard of expectations. If you let your child avoid all the "hard" things in life, he or she will not grow up to be an independent whole person. Aunt Josie is not suggesting that you drive your child perfectionism in all endeavors. Rather, where a child is impacted by his inability to perform a task or activity that he should be able to accomplish, the parent should make sure that he continues to work on accomplishing the task.
So, tiger mother or father aside, encourage your child to practice and to stick it out when the going gets tough. You will not regret it in the long run.
Children need to be challenged to leave their comfort zone and to try new things. They need to be applauded for their attempts, especially when they are unsuccessful initially. This is the time when it is especially important to encourage them to keep trying. Repeatedly explaining as often as is necessary that failure followed by more practice is an inherent and intrinsic part of learning is crucial. Assisting the child to repeat the practice of the skill for as many times as it takes until mastery is achieved is also important. When the child balks, this can be a very unpleasant part of parenting, but it is your job to insure that your child is well-rounded and developmentally on target.
Older children and teens often become stuck when it comes to overcoming their deficits because of their desire to perform perfectly the first time. They may be so locked into this attitude that they refuse to attempt any new activity which cannot be accomplished with perfection the first time round. The best remedy for this attitude of "not trying unless I can do it perfect" is parental modeling. The parent should attempt new activities and show that the world does not end if the endeavor ends in failure. The parent should demonstrate determination with repeated attempts and practice accompanied by sense of humor until the task or endeavor is accomplished. Then the child sees and understands that success usually does not occur without initial failure and repeated practice attempts.
Whether it is development of gross or small motor skills in a toddler, participating in sports, musical, or artistic endeavosr as a grade school or pre-teen child, or the mastering of a difficult school subject as a teen-ager, the parent must set the standard of expectations. If you let your child avoid all the "hard" things in life, he or she will not grow up to be an independent whole person. Aunt Josie is not suggesting that you drive your child perfectionism in all endeavors. Rather, where a child is impacted by his inability to perform a task or activity that he should be able to accomplish, the parent should make sure that he continues to work on accomplishing the task.
So, tiger mother or father aside, encourage your child to practice and to stick it out when the going gets tough. You will not regret it in the long run.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Can I put up with him (her)?
Thinking about compatibility or, more to the point, incompatibility, when evaluating a potential mate is not something that jumps to the fore in the throws of first love and romance. However, once a person becomes a serious contender as a mate/spouse, the question posed in the title of this blog should take center stage and get primary consideration. Can you put up with the way he laughs? the way she interrupts in conversation? her continuous insecurity? his tireless reiteration of the same three stories highlighting his physical prowess?
No one is perfect, of course. However, we can tolerate certain flaws in our partner while other deficits can drive us nuts. When relationships are new and exciting, no one wants to even think about imperfections in their potential partner. However, as the relationship matures and the warts inevitably show, it is much smarter to acknowledge, analyze, and evaluate whether you can accept the person, warts and all, and live with the imperfections. Thinking that you can "change" or "improve" your partner is unrealistic and ultimately a recipe for a disastrous end to the relationship. While people can and do change and improve themselves in many small and subtle ways if they themselves are motivated to do so, normally what you see is what you get. So the smart decision is to ask oneself the question "Can I put up with her (or him) as (s)he presents herself (himself) today?" If the answer is "no," save yourself some heartbreak and keep on looking.
No one is perfect, of course. However, we can tolerate certain flaws in our partner while other deficits can drive us nuts. When relationships are new and exciting, no one wants to even think about imperfections in their potential partner. However, as the relationship matures and the warts inevitably show, it is much smarter to acknowledge, analyze, and evaluate whether you can accept the person, warts and all, and live with the imperfections. Thinking that you can "change" or "improve" your partner is unrealistic and ultimately a recipe for a disastrous end to the relationship. While people can and do change and improve themselves in many small and subtle ways if they themselves are motivated to do so, normally what you see is what you get. So the smart decision is to ask oneself the question "Can I put up with her (or him) as (s)he presents herself (himself) today?" If the answer is "no," save yourself some heartbreak and keep on looking.
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