Putting Your Best Self Forward

In dating, especially when using on-line dating forums, there is a tendency on the part of prospective partners to disclose too much about themselves too soon in the dating process.  People do this in hopes of impressing their potential partner, or to get the negative "stuff" (possible deal breakers) out there right away, or to simply let the prospective partner see their "authentic" self in hopes of longed for acceptance.  In the case of women, in particular, but also men, this is a losing strategy. Revealing too much too soon robs you of "mystery" and there has to be some mystery for romance to bloom.  Showing too much excitement about the other person can easily be misinterpreted as neediness in the first four or five dating encounters.  Answering inquiries truthfully while highlighting the positives, remaining light, playful, and slightly aloof is by far a better strategy until the potential partner gets to know you better and wants to uncover the next layer to find a deeper, more genuine you.  Better to leave the person wanting to get to know more about you for the first half dozen-dates or encounters.

Taking things slowly and optimistically by presenting a carefully cultivated nonchalance that one may not genuinely feel, i.e., playing slightly hard to get, is age old advice from the old 1950's neighborhood coffee klatch, but it WORKS!

So don't list your accomplishments (they can Google your for that info).  Don't roll out a list of negatives, like informing the person of any health problems, poor family relationships, etc.  Simply enjoy the person and evaluate whether you have enough in common to continue seeing him or her.  After a month or two, when the person has gotten to know you a bit better, these conversations will arise naturally in response to inquiries from the other person and explanations will not have such a serious impact as they would earlier in the relationship.

So cultivate a little mystery and hold something of yourself back initially.  It will benefit you in the long run.

Familial Expectations and How to Deal with Them

The role of family in the development of the person can never be underestimated.  Who the family is, how strong the interpersonal relationships are (be they positive or negative), the reputation of the family, how it functions or fails to function, and who controls the interactions will all impact on an individual member.  Culture also contributes to the familial expectations and attitudes of the family as a group, along with those of the individual members of the family. People from different cultures would do well to understand the underlying differences in perspective and world view when they consider marrying into a family with a different view of exactly who is included in the immediate family. There may also be a different view of the extent of filial and extended family obligations, financial support, child care, etc.  Aunt Josie's husband, who came from a very American individual nuclear family situation, spent many years attempting to understand and fit into her close extended Italian-American family.

What one's role in the family is, who should be included in the immediate family, and how one should behave with various family members may differ from family to family (and culture to culture) depending on who is marrying into which family.  Starting with the wedding, preceding through the birth of the first child, and continuing into taking care of elderly family members and children, family expectations may range from the total inclusion of grandparents, great aunts and uncles, first, second, and third cousins to inclusion of just the nuclear unit of husband-wife-children.  Aunt Josie strongly disagrees with the advice of most self help columnists which put the couple and their needs first.

This may work for those who hail from a White Anglo-Saxon cultural heritage who grew up in the "Leave it to Beaver" type of family where the nuclear family is considered the primary family, because the parents of the couple will see and respect the formation of the new family unit.  It may, however,  fail with many families from cultures where the extended family is viewed as primary.  Hispanic American families and those from certain Asian, African and Mediterranean cultures may view the success and prosperity of the extended family as more important than the achievement and happiness of any small nuclear unit within the family.  That is why refusing to "lend" money to a needy member of the extended family, not allowing a grandparent or great aunt opportunity to "babysit" or engage in frequent childcare, or always subordinating the desires of the mother/grandmother to those of the wife in an extended family can have serious repercussions and effects upon the ultimate happiness of those in the nuclear unit.  These is especially the case if they are constantly butting up against, and not living up to, the cultural expectations of those in the extended family.

Aunt Josie is not saying that the cultural expectations of the extended family should always prevail.  Rather, she says that the newest members of such a family will do much better in the long run to learn what the cultural expectations are, to decide where and when they can accommodate them and to explain to and communicate with the members of the family when this is not possible.  You will save yourself lots of heartache and family strife if you take the needs of the extended family into consideration.

Thankfulness

Aunt Josie has been musing about gratitude and thankfulness this last week.  She was intrigued by the article in the Tuesday Science section of the New York Times yesterday suggesting that those who feel grateful remain in better health and get more sleep than those who don't.  While Aunt Josie hopes that this is the case, the real benefit of taking stock of all the things for which you are grateful is that it changes your perspective on yourself and your life.  For most of us, we are in highly privileged positions of having a home to go to and regular meals that we can count on, not to mention the myriad of material gadgets which we have been able to purchase to make our lives easier and more enjoyable. Many people throughout the world are not anywhere near as lucky. Stepping back and becoming acutely aware of life's blessings, especially wonderful friends and family, can only enrich your perspective about what is important in your life. The happiness that results from simple appreciation of one's satisfying relationships lingers far past the remembrance and marking of those relationships.  There really is something to the "counting your blessings" advice.  So, enjoy tomorrow and take a moment to remember all of the things for which you can be thankful.

Having It All

So many young people find their lives to be disjointed and stressful because they are laboring under the incorrect assumption that they can "do it all" and "have it all" at any given time in their life.  You can have it all but only sequentially.  There is a time for emphasis on education, a time for emphasis on career-building, and a time for emphasis on family and personal relationships.  While these times may overlap slightly, trying to keep all of these balls in the air at the same time results in stressed out, exhausted people who do nothing very well in any of those spheres.  So, accept that you may be entering a period where one aspect of your life demands the major part of your time and energy.  Defer on other important aspirations until you can devote more attention to them.  Failure to realize that one is not super-human will result in half-assed attempts to accomplish what you desire and lead you to view your self as less than successful.  It is a recipe for discontent and unhappiness rather than personal fulfillment.

The Total Package (and Why It Must Be Considered)

In one of Aunt Josie's last posts she talked about not counting someone out using dumb criteria for exclusion.  In this post, I want to talk about how important it is to consider intrinsic qualities that exist in a potential partner.  If such important positive qualities like kindness, consideration, selflessness, intelligence, initiative, (you name what is really important to you) are not evident to you after three or four dates, do not waste your time.  Move on.

Conversely, if you see various negative traits which appear routinely or excessively within the short period of time that you are getting to know the person, such as volatile, highly critical, selfish, lazy, etc.,  again don't waste your time.  Move on.  You cannot change the intrinsic character of a person.  Many a person has learned that to their detriment after having invested time, emotional energy, and resources.  Look at the total package, give the other person a fair amount of time so that your and your evaluation is accurate.  Then allow yourself to pursue or pass on the relationship based on real criteria and not arbitrary reasons concocted in some dream world.

Dealing with Tragedy

Aunt Josie has had an inquiry about a very tragic situation.  A young mother, in a hurry to take her child to preschool, inadvertently ran through a stop sign.  She collided with another car.  The driver, a mother of two teenagers, died.  The young mother is now seriously depressed and does not know what she can/should do.  A family member contacted Aunt Josie on behalf of the young mother with a request for advice.

Aunt Josie believes that it is important for the young mother to write a letter to the dead woman's family acknowledging her culpability in the accident, and apologizing without qualification.  She needs to say how sorry she is in a direct and sincere manner.  Notwithstanding that nothing she can say or do will truly mitigate the loss of the mother of the teens, simply telling the truth and expressing her sorrow for the inadvertent act will go a long way.  The dead woman's family will benefit from receiving/hearing the unadorned truth.

A brief consultation with another member of the coffee klatsch brought an important suggestion.  Aunt Kathi felt that it was important for the young mother to "honor" the other woman's life in some way.  She thought that contacting the dead woman's daughters and finding out what she loved or was interested in might be useful.  The young mother might then set up a charity or scholarship or memorial in the woman's name which could honor the woman's life.  Aunt Josie thinks that this is a good idea as it will help to dispel feelings of impotence that the young mother may be experiencing as a result of the accident.

Then the difficult work for the young mother really has to begin.  She needs to get treatment for her own depression and grief so that her own children are not victims of the accident as well.  This work may take the form of writing something that is not sent to anyone wherein the young mother addresses all of her feelings about the accident and just lets her emotions out.  This is a situation where good counseling/psychiatric care is imperative.

Also, no one should expect the young mother's emotional status to change dramatically, immediately.  Time will help her deal with the trauma.  Being good to herself and her own family will also help in the healing.  As this is a virtual coffee klatsch, I am asking my readers what they suggest.  Please post any helpful ideas in the comments section.

The List (and Why It Does Not Work)

So many single men and women have a list of attributes which they demand be present in any potential partner who they are evaluating as serious romantic material.  The attributes can be physical, i.e "he must be over 6 feet tall" or "she must enjoy extreme adventure sports," or emotional, e.g., "he can't be nerdy," "she can't be too demanding." The person being considered may also raise deal-breaker red flags like "he owns a cat" or "she does not shave her legs."  In the very early stages of getting to know a potential mate, the prospect's failure to meet one of the criteria or his or her possession of even one red flag results in their elimination from serious consideration as a romantic partner.

What a waste this is!  Allowing a potential partner the time to reveal themselves as a full person to you with all their warts and wonderful attributes allows people to make realistic decisions over a realistic period of time.  The person who automatically scratches and eliminates based on one or two criteria that they have developed for their "dream mate" potentially loses out on forming a relationship with a very real person who could make him or her happy. 

When she was young Aunt Josie herself often remarked that she would never date a bartender because they got too much romantic action from other women.  Guess what, her husband of over 37 years was a bartender when she met him. 

Giving up height/weight/physical attribute requirements (but nevertheless retaining sexual attraction/compatibility), and surrendering emotional criteria like too bossy, too quiet (while considering intrinsic qualities like kindness and intelligence along with overall interactions between the two of you as a couple) will insure that you do not pass on "the One."  Obviously, the whole package must be considered, but it should be considered over four/five/or six encounters where both parties give the other the opportunity to reveal themselves more fully without intense pressure.  You never know what you might pass on if you never give the other person the chance to get to know you and to allow you to get know them.

Dependence versus Independence

There is a dance in which children and their parents participate where children exhibit dependent and independent behaviors as they grow.  It is challenging to know how to deal with the child from moment to moment and when to foster one type of behavior over another.  For example, when it comes to safety issues for young children, encouraging reliance on parental judgment is a good thing.  However, when it comes to peer interactions, the opposite holds true.

It is important to understand that as your child grows, he or she will often exhibit both types of behaviors, sometimes at the same time.  This is especially true during toddlerhood and the teenage years.  Don't be too quick to reinforce either behavior prior to analyzing what is most beneficial to the child at that stage.  However, generally speaking, it is better to err on the side of encouraging independence as the child matures.  The toddler who does not want to leave mom and join in the play with the other three year olds should be encouraged to engage in play.  The high school student who is afraid to take his driving test for fear of failure or because he or she does not feel quite comfortable in driving around town should be encouraged to acquire his or her license.  In both instances, it may be easier for the parent to simply defer and permit the child to follow his natural inclination to hold back.  But is it healthy for the child's overall development?  You may have to remind the child that he or she needs to make decisions by and for himself because you will not always be around.  You may even want to limit your assistance in the thinking process.  Figure out what is best for the long-term development of the child, keeping in mind that the the goal is a happy, healthy, resilient adult.

Being (Staying) Single

The Atlantic had a new article about the economy and changing societal mores resulting in women being more economically independent, but having less marriageable men from which to choose.  According to this article, men have greater power in social relationships and fewer are making the decision to enter committed relationships.  This has appeared to be the case based upon Aunt Josie's informal observations also.  The hook-up culture and some men's unwillingness to "commit," given the excess number of attractive single women within their age demographic, is just a modern version of "why buy the cow when the milk is so cheap!" Also fueling this status of thirty-something singledom is the rejection of and refusal on the part of some women in their late twenties and early thirties to consider any potential partner who is not "perfect".  Holding out for a man who will meet all of one's specifications (some being quite arbitrary, e.g., he must be a bicyclist,) also contributes to this unfortunate dynamic.

What should a late thirties single do in the hopes of meeting the one.  First off, live your live.  Don't put off things you want to have or accomplish until you meet someone.  Second, shed the scent of desperation.  Potential partners can smell it a mile away and steer clear!  Don't look for Mr. or Ms. Perfect!  Keep an open mind and allow your relationships to develop in a relaxed natural environment.  Don't reveal too much about yourself too soon.  Potential mates enjoy an aura of mystery and learning slowly about each other.  Be wary of total infatuation.  While sexual chemistry and feeling loved is important, going too fast only to see the relationship crash and burn wastes valuable time as well as emotional resources.

Hold out for someone good.  As my grandmother often said, "Don't throw pearls to swine," meaning place a high value on yourself and don't waste yourself on someone who obviously does not value you.  Let your higher thinking dictate your behavior when you intellectually know that "he's just not that into you."  Don't be afraid to pass and move on.

 Finally, realize that being single has many advantages.  Your time, your resources and your affections are yours to do as you please.  Being trapped in a bad relationship is far worse than finding oneself alone.

Building Your Own Happiness

Both happiness and sadness are emotions with ripple effects!  It is very possible to grasp and build on small pleasures and positive experiences which will often multiply.  This is also the case with sadness and sorrow.  Experiencing something negative and then magnifying it by focusing on it and kvetching about it only serves to make one more discontent and unhappy.

What is not well known or discussed often is attempting to build one's happiness on the misery of others.  Being a party to breaking up a relationship, focusing on yourself to the detriment of others in your family whether it is about expending resources or seeking your own pleasure, or ignoring the emotional needs of those for whom you are responsible for whatever reason, ultimately never results in true happiness.  The negative impact on loved ones will result in guilt if one is sensitive to their feelings and resentment if the person trying to do the building is obtuse to the emotional havoc that he or she is creating.

It just won't work to build your happiness when it is rooted in the misery of others.  So try to take a long view, recognizing the emotional needs of those nearest and dearest to you as you look to magnify or enhance the small happinesses and positive outcomes that you generate.  Starting with a focus on your successes and small pleasures which do not have negative impacts on others will ultimately lead to a grateful, contented, happy personal life for you.

Consequences

All too often when one is making a drastic life decision, one only looks at the immediate, imminent results from that decision, forgetting the impact and consequences of the decision on oneself and others.  Inability to play out or refusal to consider the various scenarios likely to result from an action or decision often ends in failure, tragedy, or a poor outcome.  Looking two three or even four steps down the road from the decision can save you and yours lots of sorrow and perhaps lead to positive byproducts of a decision wisely contemplated and implemented.

Love is Not Exclusive! You do not have to Choose!

Aunt Josie received another inquiry from a person having trouble with his adult daughter.  Having lost his partner to death about a year ago, he waited a reasonable period of time  and then commenced looking for another companion.  Having found someone (here Aunt Josie, in the interest of fairness, must disclose that this someone is a friend of hers), he wants to introduce her to his daughter and grandchildren.  His daughter won't return his calls or e-mails and by this behavior has made it pretty clear that she will not meet his new friend.

The inquirer asks what to do.  First, be patient with your daughter recognizing that it takes varied periods of time for some people grieve and let go sufficiently to entertain the possibility of their parents seeking and entering a new relationship.  Second, rather than resenting her refusal, acknowledging her feelings and reassuring her that you love her and her children and that they will not be displaced is crucial.  Third, although she is an adult, continue to explain that love need not be exclusive and that you tried to accept the people she brought home as partners, mates, etc.  Fourth, continue to reiterate that you are entitled to companionship, romance, and love just as she is.  You could also reassure her that you are not replacing her mother and her with the new relationship but that you are continuing on with your adult life.

When your friend does visit, continue to contact your daughter and invite her to meet your friend.  Suggest coffee or an activity that will be brief so that your daughter can choose to come and then leave after a short period of time.  Also, point out that her refusal to respond is depriving you of a relationship with your granddaughters.  Even if the "meet" does not happen on this occasion, stay calm and open.  It may just be too early and you definitely should not force anything between your friend and your daughter.  Also you should not view this situation as compelling you to make a choice between your friend and your daughter.  Time, communicating clearly, and patience will help ultimately resolve this problem for you.  Good luck!

Doubting One's Choices and Making Good Ones

Nosy Aunt Josie has received an inquiry with the following abbreviated history as a lead-up to the question of "Why can't I recognize the toads from the princes?"

In summary, without revealing the source, the first guy she dated was a starving-artist type who professed great love (until he didn't) with cool pheromone connection, etc. but not much in common.  The second guy had professional values in common, but was somewhat younger, and ungraciously severed contact after five or six dates.

Aunt Josie has one comment and several observations about this situation.  First, as I tell all my single friends and acquaintances, "you've got to meet (and  date and, maybe, kiss) a lot of toads before you find a prince."  This is just life.  The first observation is that you are learning from your experiences.  First guy -"obvious wrong guy" for a professional woman seeking a mate.  Not even close to the life traveler that you are seeking.   Second guy - "not such an obviously wrong guy," but young, probably too young, and not ready to settle down into a relationship, or was in deep enough to realize that you were not suitable for him.  Clearly a cad in the manner in which he broke it off.

The second observatio is that these things hurt and are difficult, but in the end, they lead to the right person.  Really concentrate on venues, friends, and social situations where you are likely to encounter someone with your values and attitudes.  Age, education, professional status, and outlook all matter when you are seeking a partner.  He or she must also "smell" right, i.e., pass the pheromone test because if there is absolutely no chemistry between you, no matter how right the person is, it is not going to work. 

So, inquirer, you are learning from each relationship.  Get out there and date.  Don't despair, but check out geeks, professional friends with friends, plain-old friends who have someone they think you should meet, fund-raisers, educational and political meetings, and any other venues where you are likely to meet someone in your age group who appeals to you.  Let Aunt Josie know how it all works out.

P.S. You probably do not want to contact Mr. Rude even if he has a good excuse as to why he did not call, unless there was death or serious injury involved.  You can ask your friend who introduced you what the deal was if you are really interested in why he dropped off your radar.

Falling for Bad Boys (or Girls)

It is amazing to Aunt Josie that many young professionals who are extremely cautious in their business relationships and dealings who exercise discretion, deliberation, and reason in how they conduct themselves professionally then turn around and become extremely reckless with their personal relationships.  They pick up a "bad" boy (or girl) who they know deep down inside of themselves will take them on a dramatic roller coaster to nowhere, if they are extremely lucky.  If unlucky, they are letting a person into their life who will bring negative karma, bad vibrations, and create serious problems for them.  So why would you treat the quest for your life mate less seriously or differently than your efforts to improve yourself professionally?

Security

No matter what one's age is --from infant to old person--human beings need to feel secure.  They need to feel secure in the love of the people who care for them or who are the closest to them.  If you cannot make your child or elderly parent secure in your love, caring, and interest in their well-being, the child will not develop properly and the elder will not be able to relax and prosper.

Providing a partner with a sense of security, i.e., assurance that they are loved and cared for above everyone,  is an intrinsic component to a happy, long-term, intimate relationship.  No one wants to open up and share their most innermost thoughts and history with someone whom they do not trust.  Allowing your partner to always know that you love them and proving by your actions that you are there for them gives them the freedom to truly reveal who they are and to enjoy the relationship to the maximum.  Offering this type of security to your child will result in an emotionally strong, caring, confident young adult.  Reassuring an elderly person that you will always be there gives them peace of mind and frees them from unnecessary worries about what will happen to them in the future.  So, if you love someone, commit, and reassure them that you will be there for the long haul!

The Drama Lifestyle

Want a good life!  Seek out normalcy and the ordinary!  Perhaps because so many young adults grew up watching "soaps" or Jerry Springer-type daytime TV shows, what is normal and ordinary behavior is often blurred.  At no other time than in one's late twenties and early thirties do we have the sense that we are "starring" in their own lives. Along with this starring role comes a tendency to seek out drama. This may consists of dramatic friends (to whom we refer fondly as characters) and experiences outside of our comfort zones (adventures which may or may not be healthy for us.) While a little drama can be a healthy spice to our life, living a dramatic life is ultimately unfulfilling and exhausting.

Our culture does not encourage the normal and ordinary either.  The overt messages from the media are that one should "Party on!" "Work hard, play hard" and "Fall for that tall, dark, handsome/beautiful, mysterious stranger."  All of this is pure baloney.

If you don't want to jeopardize your romantic relationship, think less partying at bars with strangers and more candlelit dinners with your partner. If you don't want to get involved in a friend's crazy "bad vibes," arrange short, supportive coffees in public places rather than an afternoon of "sturm and drang" (rehashing, listening to hysterics, etc.).  Being dragged into other peoples' antics leaves you less powerful and capable of dealing with your own real issues.

Studies have shown that contentment ultimately brings greater happiness than exhilaration.  So a little exhiiaration and drama may be fine, but constantly remaining in a state of crises, or creating situations which result in drama for yourself and others leaves little time for pursuit of the things that really matter in life.

Relationship Purgatory

What do you do when you are in relationship purgatory?  You know the person's not "the One" intellectually, but you do not have a "love jones," i.e., romantic addiction to that person. They are, however, hovering around in your life and they are convenient.  Moving on and up can be more difficult than for the person with the love addiction because those folks know that they are addicted to the person who is definitely not right for them and often makes them feel terrible about themselves.  In relationship purgatory, the other person is often "in love" with you and may be a genuinely wonderful person, just not a good fit for you as a mate.  How does one escape?  The short answer is that you must definitively and strongly cut ties.  You probably cannot be a "friend" to this person without falling back into purgatory.  If you can move or dramatically change your circumstances, it's easier.  If not, just as with those who have "love addictions," you must stay vigilant and extremely strong to escape.

Dating others and keeping busy really does help.  Not dwelling on your feelings of loneliness also helps.  Convenience and inaction will not get you what you want.  You have to be strong, cut the ties, and keep looking for the One, who is out there somewhere.

One and Only One

For any number of reasons, but primarily because child-bearing is occurring later and later in life and it takes greater financial and emotional resources to raise more than one child in today's modern era, many parents are opting to have an only child.  While the decision can obviously be defended on any number of levels, I believe this to be a great mistake for both parents and the child.

First there is a tendency on the part of as many as six individuals (2 parents and 4 grandparents) to focus inordinate attention on the single child.  Being the center of that much attention is not so healthy in and of itself.  Second, when there are more children in the family, a sibling can serve as a life-long companion and friend.  Regardless of whether the child finds a mate, a sibling (and the power of that sibling bond) can validate many family and life experiences and create a sense of security and family long after the parents have died.  In short, the child is not left alone and lonely.

Finally, with a sibling, there is someone to share the burden of caring for parents once the child is an adult and the parents become elderly.  It's a cruel world out there and caring parents should think long and hard about the danger implicit in creating a situation where the child is "someone's everything." Being "everything," be it the focus of too much attention and spoiling when he or she is younger or the sole support of aging parents when he or she is older, is a hardship.  Living up to these "great expectations" without another sibling to share them can be onerous on many levels, not just the psychological/emotional and financial levels.  China's "one child" policy has proven instructive in this regard.

So do yourself and your child a favor by giving him a brother or sister to love and with whom he can share life's journey.  You won't regret it!

The Love "Jones"

At some time or other, many people experience a love "addiction."  Intellectually, they know the person is wrong for them, and may even be harmful to their development and well-being, but they cannot seem to break free of the relationship.  I refer to this as a love "jones".  Aunt Josie herself has suffered from a few of these disastrous relationships and believes that no one is immune.  The operative fact in the face of a love "jones" is that it is an addiction and must be viewed and treated as such.  Some people simply accept the addiction, concluding it is not that bad for them, e.g., caffeine.  Others know that they need to get treatment to have any chance at a normal life, experiencing a normal degree of self-esteem and self-respect, for example, alcohol or narcotic use.  There is also the middle ground where we know our addiction is bad for us and resolve to break it or work on it, but generally live with it.  Aunt Josie is not an expert on addiction and advises those who truly want to lose the love "jones" to seek professional help.  It is, however, sad to see perfectly wonderful people saddled with inconsiderate losers, sacrificing their self-esteem for the sake of the love fix.  This fix never really leaves them satisfied because they know the relationship is unhealthy.

The love "jones" can be broken, but it takes genuine resolve.  You are worth it and worth someone who will treat and appreciate you.  So break the "addiction" cycle.  Harden your resolve to cut it and stay strong.

Resilience

Great article in the Atlantic about raising your children to be resilient. http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/8555/  It is natural for concerned parents to want their child to have a perfect life.  They want to protect the child from all of life's little disappointments and smooth away all difficulties.  Big mistake!  Results in "teapot" young adults who are so fragile they crack at the first adult stresses or, worse, continue to lean on you, the parents, for life.

When the Bloom is Off the Rose

Everyone knows how exciting a new relationship can be.  Discovering all the little eccentricities of one's newly beloved is wonderful.  But at some point in a relationship, you notice that the cap is off the toothpaste and that your beloved farts.  Does this signal time to move on or time to pick up the pace and try to regain that old magic?
If you have already observed a few warts through the love haze and decided that the person is still worth an investment, just remember "No One is Perfect."  The real question that you must ask yourself is whether you can get comfortable with the flower sans bloom.  The answer, of course, depends on the flower.  Not every romance will culminate in a bouquet.  Sometimes its best to smell the flower and move on.  If the beloved (who at the time is not looking so beloved) demonstrates that he or she cares about you and treats you in a thoughtful, kind, loving manner while revealing his or her not-so-perfect self, it may often pay to hang in there and see what develops.  Only romance junkies, keep discarding every flower they pick in hopes of a  more perfect blossom.

Baby X - So What!

About the Toronto couple who named their baby "Storm" and refuse to disclose Storm's gender. http://articles.cnn.com/2011-06-02/opinion/rose.gender_1_gender-specific-girls-and-boys-toronto-parents?_s=PM:OPINION  Nothing new here folks.  Thirty four years ago, those of us who considered ourselves feminists wondered if we should, could do the same with our children.  One friend went so far as to insist that I buy dresses for my baby boy.  Science has come a long way in the 34 years.  We've learned that Baby Storm will very shortly after birth most likely start behaving as a baby of whatever gender he/she is (with a few exceptions).  What is more important than keeping the gender a secret, is presenting all options in toys and play irrespective of the baby's sex. Treating the child's preferences with respect and encouraging exploration without labeling behaviors and expressions as male or female is the way to go. In other words, parents should laud and cultivate the "Free to Be You and Me"  http://www.freetobefoundation.org or this video of the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_26FOHoaC78 attitude.

Regrets (and Not Having Them)

Everyone will at sometime have regrets.  Generally, regrets fall into only two categories: regrets due to inaction and regrets due to acting (often in retrospect, incorrectly).  A recent article in TNW   listed the top 5 regrets that people had on their death bed.  They are as follows: (1) wishing they had lived a life true to oneself rather than trying to live up to expectations of others; (2) wishing they had not worked so hard; (3) wishing they had the courage to express their true feelings; (4) wishing that they had kept up with certain friendships; and (5) wishing they had allowed themselves to be happy.

Of the five, three are regrets due to inaction.  Not being authentic around people and not allowing oneself to genuinely enjoy one's life are truly regrettable omissions. However, these regrets are easily correctable at any stage in life if one has sufficient courage.  It is not even necessary to make up your mind to live an "Edith Piaf" type of life.  What is necessary is to adopt a "What you see is what you get" type of attitude in most human relationships.  If you  undertake direct, sincere communication without the gamesmanship, genuinely expressing your thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs you can cut through much of the posturing and passive/aggressive behavior that leads to insecurity and depression.

A very attractive, popular young women once took me into the cafeteria of her high school.  As we surveyed the social scene at the various tables, she remarked to me that all of the tables would welcome here based upon her looks and popularity, but that none of these other teenagers at the table knew the "real" her and if they did they probably would not like her.  This was a heartbreaking remark.  Because of her youth, she could be forgiven for her inauthenticity and the resulting depression it caused, but what is a twenty-seven year old woman's or a thirty-two year old man's excuse for that same inauthenticity?  Being afraid that people will not like and accept the real person that you are creates many more insecurities than having one or two people reject the "genuine" you that you manifest.  In some ways, putting yourself out there initially, saves you from the pain of rejection at a later time.  You find out who is attracted to the real you.  Those that are not, leave under the "take it, or leave it" approach that you project.  You suffer, perhaps a small hurt at the outset, but you are spared rejection after you drop the facade of your false projections.

Adopting a "what you see is what you get "approach is also very freeing.  You can feel free to pursue  your own happiness, and to permit yourself to express your true emotions.  Other people observe, and are attracted to, the man or woman who knows his or her own mind and puts it out for others to share. It takes bravery to make this simple transformation in your life but the rewards are great.  So eliminate three of the above biggie regrets by daring to be genuine and to tell it like it is.  You won't regret it!

Reinforcement (Both Positive and Negative)

Children, no matter what their age, are usually open to new experiences.  This is especially true when it comes to food.  It is a serious mistake for parents to censor or comment upon a child's dislikes when the child has perhaps rejected a food one time.  I have often observed the food on the way to the child's mouth or even in the child's mouth when the parent comments that "she doesn't like that" and the morsel is immediately rejected.   Other negative parental declarations can  negatively impact the child's opinion of himself.  For example: "He's afraid of dogs!"  "She's shy!"  "She's afraid of heights!", when heard and internalized by the child, all serve to limit the child's experiences rather than to encourage exploration and development of an adventurous attitude.

It is far better to allow the child to genuinely taste something new.  If it is rejected, acceptance of the rejection can be accompanied by an explanation that your tastes change quite a bit and that you expect them to taste something at least five or six times before they form a definite like or dislike.  Also positive parental observations, even if they stretch the current reality, such as "Amy is a good eater." encourage the child to live up to that attribute.

How much better it is to explain to a child that she or he may be afraid of that particular dog because he is big or barking or whatever rather than to categorize one or two experiences with dogs into the conclusion that the child is afraid of all dogs.  If the child does indeed continue to show fear of all dogs, the concerned parent can make sure that the child has a positive experience with a small affectionate dog and build from there.

Fears such as fear of heights can also be tackled in similar fashion.  You can explain to the child that this particular height at this time is a little scary but that as he grows, he probably will not be so afraid.  What not to do is to insist that the child overcome his fear immediately because that may reinforce and cement those feelings.

Encouraging, but not insisting upon new experiences, lets the child know that it is okay to explore and then form his own opinion about something.  He should feel secure knowing that he can reject a taste or an activity without repercussions.  But he should also know that he may be asked to taste something again or to interact with an animal or person again and that he may feel differently the second, third or fifth time around.

It is true that some children are more naturally curious, or timid, or sensitive.  A discerning parent will work with the personality type to make sure the child's world keeps expanding.  The parent knows the best way to introduce new experiences for the child's personality type, but the key is to keep reinforcing the positive.  If you genuinely believe that your children are, or will be good eaters, they will try to live up to that reputation.

If you encourage exploration while providing security, the child will most likely allow its natural curiosity to emerge.  You set the stage and then let your child star in the drama that is his or her own life.

How Big a Deal Is It (or Should It Be)?

Sometimes, after the honeymoon period is over, one of the parties in a relationship will begin to exhibit a trait or habit that really annoys the other person.  It may be a self-involvement thing that does not take the wishes of the other person into consideration.  It may be untidiness, or interrupting, or finishing the other's sentences or any one of a hundred annoyances, large or small.

The first question to be asked is "How big a deal" is the particular annoyance.  If it is an inherent, persistent trait or behavior, it is highly likely that it will not change.  I ascribe to the general maxim of "What you see is what you get" and believe that it is very difficult for adults to modify underlying behavior unless they are strongly motivated to do so.  So if it is a big deal, likely to recur often, and the party who is engaging in this behavior refuses to address and change it,  maybe it is a deal-breaker.


On the other hand, if the behavior does not occur routinely, or if the person is attempting to address it, or if in the scheme of evaluating the suitability of the person as a partner annoyance is not such a big deal, the annoyed partner can decide to just live with it, i.e., tolerate it.  In the end, with the understanding that no one is perfect, only the annoyed person will be able to decide the degree to which the trait, behavior, habit affects the relationship and whether it is a deal-breaker.

To my mind, those traits which involve selfishness, criticism, and jealousy have a far greater potential of being deal-breakers than petty behaviors such as interrupting, not cleaning up, etc, which can all be classified as showing lack of consideration on the offender's part.  However, each person has a threshold of behaviors, traits, attitudes that they cannot tolerate.  The determination as to whether they are deal-breakers must also be balanced against the positive aspects of the other partner and the affection and love that exists in a relationship.  When placed in this perspective, sometimes the annoyances pale in comparison to the positive attributes and benefits of the relationship.  So, before flying off the handle and fighting, take a hard look at the behavior from this perspective, and make your decision.

The Window

There is a window in young lives when most people find "the one" and start building a future together.  There are some, however, who disregard this window altogether.  They do so because they genuinely believe that anything is possible and that they need not worry about the future or because they cannot find anyone who meets all of their criteria, or because they are involved in a romantic-exotic-troubled relationship.  This is especially true for young women who may ignore their "reproductive clocks,"  nesting-/home building instincts,  the drive to mature and establish roots.   The person may be reluctant to abandon an unsuitable partner because they have invested substantial time and emotional capital into the relationship. Even knowing that the relationship will not withstand the vagaries of real commitment, they allow even more time to elapse during the crucial window without abandoning that partner and looking for someone more suitable.

Good things, especially in the self-awareness department, can sometimes come from these exotic romances.  But a young person involved in this type of relationship, which she knows deep-down will prove ultimately  unfullfilling and  unsuccessful, should hedge her bets.  If you are a woman who is fairly certain that you want children, but are not certain that the man you are seeing is the "one," serious consideration should be given to culling and freezing your eggs during your early to mid thirties.

An even better hedge is to forswear exclusivity and to keep dating others-- being honest with the person with whom you are having the exotic relationship. Your honesty about why you do not wish to be exclusive will give you and your partner greater insight as to what your relationship really means and how deep it is.

Rather than hedging, you may simply choose to wait without a partner.  This leaves you available when a suitable candidate does appear.  Clearly one can be concerned about not finding the right person during the window, but being involved with the wrong person throughout the entire window period and /or accumulating lots of emotional baggage during that time, only exacerbates the problem.

You can extend you own "window" by making yourself the most interesting attractive person that you can be and leaving yourself as emotionally free as possible.  Being involved with a person who is not going to end up the "one" when you have made a serious investment narrows opportunity and leaves you depleted for acting when someone with true potential arrives.  So, don't dawdle forever when it is apparent that the relationship is not going where you want it to go.  Hedge your bets if you can, or better yet, improve prospects by staying relatively free to respond when someone with genuine potential appears.

Pointing Out the Positive

We do not hesitate to reinforce positive actions when we observe them in children.  This is "good job"/"way to go"- type praise.  However, praise or just plain appreciation is not given to our partners when they have been particularly helpful or considerate.  Merely acknowledging that their assistance during a time of stress or their actions in facilitating something that is important to you have not gone unnoticed goes a long way in building a relationship.  When we are in a pattern where we are quick to criticize our partners, orally communicating our gratefulness for thoughtful actions is even more important.  So, take the time to tell your partner that her/his little thoughtful act has been noticed and appreciated.  It can only enhance how you both feel about each other.

The Plan

 People do not appear to agree about having a "Plan."  While some people have their life goals carefully mapped out and follow the general instructions to accomplish these goals strictly, the vast majority of us live from day to day or minute to minute.  Neither way achieves optimum results.

Other than the elderly, who in many senses are forced to live day to day, it is a very good idea for the rest of us to have a "Plan."  This can easily be achieved by relaxing and trying to envision where you want to be five years from the present.  Letting your imagination take you to the optimum situation five years out provides an excellent starting point in relieving the stress that indecision can bring.  Once  you can formulate your goals, you can then map a path to achieving them.

The map should, however, be flexible and allow for many detours because what happens randomly in life is often interesting and worth pursuing.  There may even come a time when the goal and the map to to the goal change rather dramatically.  The point is that most of us should have tangible goals and develop life strategies for accomplishing them.  Even if the goals change radically in the course of pursuing a desired objective, you will be in a more interesting space/place and probably have acquired useful insights into yourself and your desires in the process.  More about the "Plan" later.

Empathy

Anyone who has observed a toddler of two understands the innate self-centeredness that is part of the developmental picture at this age.   There are, however, also glimmers of true selflessness in the child of that age.  The 17-month old offering you a morsel of his food or wanting you to take a toy with which he is playing demonstrates that very young children are capable of empathy.  There is, among the psychologists, some disagreement as to whether empathy is inherent or a skill to be learned.  In any case, it is a trait to be fostered and nourished  as early as practicable with the child.  Two years of age is not too early to try to get the child to see things from another person's perspective.  "How would you feel if Tony had the ball and would not let you play with it?"  "You hurt Mommy when you bit her!  How would you feel if Mommy bit you?" are simple comments that you can make to try to get the child to see the other person's position.

If you keep pushing the child to put herself in the other person's place from age 2 up, she will eventually automatically take the other person's view into consideration in her behavior.  At nine or ten years of age, she will be able to understand where the teacher and other authority figures are coming from.  By 11 or 12 years of age, she will have the ability to analyze every situation from other points of view.  Why, you ask, should your child need to have this skill? How necessary is it in a society that values the individual and individual achievement over collectivism, working together, and group accomplishment.?

The answer is two-fold.  Without empathy, children continue to believe that the world revolves around them and turn into selfish, self-centered, little tyrants.  With empathy (the true ability to identify with the other person), they learn to share, to address the needs of others, and to feel genuine connections with others. And the decisions they make as a result are made in a deeper and more substantive context with a stronger sense of consequence.

From a pragmatic point of view, you will need every shred of empathy that you have nourished in your child to survive the teen-age years.  Not seeing the big picture and being focused on self is a natural part of being a teenager.  When your child asks for permission to do something or for a privilege, rather than responding immediately, it is prudent to turn the question back onto them.  You could say something like "let's not talk about this now.  I will think if I was a 16 year old boy (14 year old girl) why this would be important to me. You, however, must try to put yourself in my place, and tell me if you were the mother (or father) whether you would really permit me do to such and such.  Let's talk in a hour."  Initially, the teen will start out arguing that he or she would indeed grant permission if they were the parent.  However, if you employ this technique consistently forcing the child to look at things from your point of view, you will have better luck getting him or her to accede to your ultimate decision.  Furthermore, as young adults, they will be able to put themselves in the customer's shoes, the employer's shoes, the boyfriend or girlfriend's shoes, etc. as they attempt to function in the complexities presented by the real world away from parental protection.

The real reward for fostering and encouraging empathy in your child is really simple.  They will develop into  caring people.  You will hear that you have the nicest children. To my mind, this is just about the greatest compliment of all.

Hard Talk

To succeed in a long-term caring committed relationship, both parties need to develop the ability to say very difficult (sometimes insulting and downright emotionally damaging ) things to the each other.  These things need to be said in a way that the receiving party can hear, understand,  and ultimately act upon the information without taking such offense that the message is blocked out.  This skill cannot develop early in the relationship because it has the potential of destroying fledgling relationships.

However, at some point, in every relationship, one party must tell the other a hurtful truth, even if it has the potential of creating a large rift in the relationship.  The party receiving this comment must develop the ability to "hear" what the person venturing the information is saying, to downplay the "hurtfulness of it" and to act upon the information received.

An example of this is the husband who tells his wife after she has given birth, that she is too heavy and that he does not feel sexually attracted to her at her post-pregnancy weight.  Communicating this information to one's partner after she has been through the travails of pregnancy and  while she is exhausted from taking care of a new child seems cold and  heartless.  However, I take the position that it is a courageous act on the husband's part, especially in light of what can develop if he remains silent and does not share his true feelings.  By not communicating how he feels, perhaps out of love or being even ashamed to even have this feeling, he runs the risk of letting his sexual love and affection for his wife dissipate because of her weight while not even telling her (and presumably giving her the chance to address the situation).

Conversely, the wife in that scenario, (rather than being hurt, outraged, upset) had to develop the ability to genuinely "hear" what her husband was trying to tell her, so that she could act to preserve the sexual relationship, if she so desired.

Hard words in a direct confrontation are eminently preferable to repeated nagging, insinuation and ultimately uncomfortable acceptance of or ignoring the problem.  Hard words have the power to wound, but they also have the ability to stabilize and enhance relationships.

I take the position that hard words in frank conversations should rarely be necessary, but when they are, they give the receiving party the chance to defend themselves, agree, disagree, to change ( refuse to change), or to, at least, think about the feelings of the person expressing the hard words.  What do you think?

Independence

From the moment of birth, parenting is a continual process of letting go.  It is the parents' job to start giving the child its freedom and independence in a controlled, loving, prudent, unfolding manner.  It is natural for its loving parents to seek to protect the child from all harm and adversity.  However, over-protection can sometimes be observed even hours after the child is born.  From the reluctance to allow others to hold the baby to an excessive concern about exposing the baby to dirt and germs, the seeds of overprotection are often present during the first few days of a newborn's life.  New parents want to control everything in the child's environment so that it has a "perfect" existence. The parents in their hearts know that this is impossible, but nevertheless seek to keep their child safe, existing in a blissful cocoon of dependence.  This impulse on the parent's part must be recognized, acknowledged, and firmly quashed if the child is to blossom and become a resilient little person.

When the baby is born, the parents are basically living its entire life for it.  They do everything from feeding, dressing and lulling to sleep to controlling the terms of  interaction with other people. All activities from naps to play dates are arranged and directed by the parents.  But as the child develops, the goal should be to turn more and more of the child's life back over to him or her as they show evidence that they are competent to handle more and more complex decisions for themselves.  If done well, by the time the child is 17 or 18, the parent will have handed over 95% of the control over the child's life to the child and the child will be a capable, independent, young adult.

Whenever, there is a question as to whether a child is ready for some activity, action, etc., there is a choice on the parents' part.  They can make the decision from a protective perspective or they can allow the child some autonomy.  Erring in favor of independence, while at times hair-raising, generally results in competent, can-do types of children.  Always sharing the rationale for your decisions when you decide the child is not ready to decide for him or herself or to take the next step helps to teach the child how to analyze problems.  Asking the child what he or she thinks or to explain why they want to take the course of action that they are demanding to take also assists both the parent and child in letting the child separate.

It is difficult to refrain from interfering when you see your child making the wrong decision.  It is miserable to let your child suffer the consequences of a mistake that she has made.  But to grow and develop, children need to stop relying upon the parents and to start making decisions for themselves.  How else will they learn these skills if they are never given the opportunity to make decisions and to live with the consequences?

As you hold that beautiful baby in your arms.  Begin to let go.  Realize as Kahlil Gibran said in The Prophet,  "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you."

If you do let go a little, your child will not break, but develop into the person you want them to be. So allow them to fall from the first step when they are learning to climb the stairs.  Let them make small mistakes.  Your reward will be in seeing the pleasure of genuine accomplishment in their eyes when they master something without your help with their own skills on their very own terms.  What do you think?

Loggerheads

All new couples have to learn to communicate clearly.  Eventually big disagreements arise.  Whether or not one will commit to marry, or to have a child, or to move to a new city for the partner's career opportunities are just some of the issues that have the potential of ruining a perfectly viable new relationship.  First off, if the issue presenting arises early in the relationship, exploratory conversations are warranted and both parties should keep an open mind and listen to the other carefully.  Taking the issue of whether the potential partner wants children as an example, the tone, demeanor, and type of consideration the responder gives to the inquiry tells a lot.  If the person confesses that he or she has not really thought much about it, this  is radically different from the response of  "I have thought about this a lot and I don't think that I am parent material."  Whatever the response may be, it is a mistake to immediately go full-tilt boogie into an in-depth conversation on the topic .  The questioner should take some time to digest the response and to formulate their own position on the issue, given the response received.

Whether it be children, commitment or career priorities versus the relationship, the next conversation should focus on whether that is the partner's current position and/or whether it may change in the future.  Since I knew that having children was important to me, I was not willing to pursue relationships with anyone who firmly communicated that they were not interested in having children (although some past boyfriends ultimately did end up having children).  I took their response as being that they were not interested in having children with me and I acted accordingly.  I moved on.  However, when the response was "I'm not interested now, but won't close the door," I pursued the relationship.  "Maybe" was good enough for me.  It may not be for you, but the point here is to flesh out all aspects of your partner's position on the big issue creating the loggerhead and to genuinely explore and communicate what your position and/or revised position might be.

Forty years of experience has demonstrated to me that sometimes these big issues can be worked out.  Couples with enough affection for each other will consider and reconsider making compromises as these loggerhead arise.  Sometimes, however, there are "deal-breakers."  You won't know this, however, unless you bring honesty, clarity and good intentions to a meaningful discussion in a direct manner.  About the worse thing you can do in a relationship is to ignore the big issue(s) and hope that it(they) resolves itself in your favor.  Once you are in a comfortable relationship for a reasonable period of time (say a year), these discussions are appropriate and necessary.  They allow both parties to figure out whether their partner really is "the One."

The Ultimatum

In any serious relationship, there comes a time when a huge disagreement looms.  Early in the dating stages of  a relationship, one partner strongly wants to give the other an ultimatum on some big issue due largely to impatience or insecurity.  In my own case, the person wanted me to stop dating other men (one in particular), and to be exclusive and monogamous in our relationship.  I did not feel ready to make such a commitment.  When the ultimatum was made, I asked him to reconsider -- explaining that if I agreed to it, exclusively committing to him was not something that I was doing of my own volition, but to satisfy him.  If I did not agree, then he would have no choice but to stop seeing me (something I did not think that he really wanted to do and which I did not want him to do) or to back down and withdraw the ultimatum.  By forcing the issue too early, he was risking ending a relationship which had the potential of ultimately leading to serious commitment in the future.  By withdrawing the ultimatum, he risked looking foolish, or at least slightly diminished in his own eyes, as well as mine.  When explained that way, the common sense choice was to reconsider the issuing of a such an ultimatum.

If the person considering issuing an ultimatum on whatever issue views this "either/or" demand in this context, he or she will realize that it does not accomplish what he or she wanted anyway.  They will not feel more reassured, more secure, more loved, i.e. happier, if they get their way because their partner did so under duress.

All of this being said, it is important to communicate the underlying feelings which are driving the desire to give an ultimatum.  Saying that you feel insecure, jealous, devalued,etc., is important so that your partner can attempt to address those feelings.  Also talking with the person to whom the ultimatum is being proposed about their reluctance to take the next step, be it monogamy, speaking to their mother, committing to moving with you, etc., and finding out why they are taking their view will be more fruitful in the long run. This is especially true if the inquiries are made in such a manner that the other person is not immediately put on the defensive.  More about couples being at loggerheads later.

For now, just remember that when you are tempted to issue an ultimatum, don't do it.  Instead think about what is compelling you to want to force an issue at this point in your relationship.  Examine your own motives and communicate your feelings honestly and clearly while making no demands on your partner. You won't be sorry in the long run.

More about "The One"

Young people often have a hard time deciding whether the person who they are currently seeing is "the One."  While the litany of admirable qualities is recited, the recitation ends with a dull thud, "I don't hear bells." or "He (she) doesn't make my heart sing, ring, zing, etc."  My response to this statement is the following instruction:

Close your eyes.  Try to imagine your life 5 years out, 10 years out.  Does the thought of this person not playing a significant part in your life cause you great pain or at least serious discomfort?

If the answer to this is "yes,"  bells, heart-singing, etc. is not as important.
If the answer to this is "no," that person is clearly not THE ONE.

The One

Young people seeking a mate are very interested in knowing whether the current person that they are dating is "the one."  Should they come to a coffee klatsch of more than four over-fifty year old women, within 45 minutes, the klatsch will be happy to tell you both whether you can make it or whether you should break up now.  I believe that I can (with about 85% accuracy) predict whether a couple will make it after talking to both of them over dinner.

How can that be, you ask?  Well, the answer is "common values."  What sociologists have long known, with various studies to back them up, is that couples with shared outlooks on life make the best partners.   The prospective mate must share enough attitudes and outlook with the person presenting him or her.  He or she must have the potential to be a "common traveler" on the road that is life.  Too divergent values and attitudes, especially where they are strongly held by one or both, does not make for a sound relationship that is not filled with tension and friction. Personalities may be very different and complimentary, but values should be similar. Sharing an esoteric interest without a lot more, no matter how interesting or passionate the two partners are, will not suffice in the long run.  This is the case because bungie jumping, scuba, competitive chess, video gaming, whatever, does not figure largely into the day-to-day issues that arise in real life.

It is attitudes about money, religion, politics, child-raising, cleanliness, socializing, etc. that are the real deal-makers and breakers.  So date that exotic person to your heart's content, but if you are looking for "the one", best to look through your friends, in your educational group, professional circles, and your neighborhood.

Three LITTLE (Big) Words

Use of the  L-word (Love) is difficult for many of us.  Part of the problem is that in English, it can be used to describe feelings for your favorite pizza, your mom, and the person that you believe you can't live without.  Lots has been written about this word and the magical aura surrounding it.  Many people in new relationships desperately await the moment when their "beloved" will use this word in a serious, not casual sense.  I do not fancy myself an expert in interpreting the L-word, but I do know that if someone lies to you, says or does mean things to you and makes you miserable, they do not love you, even if they say they do.

If the L-word causes consternation, reluctance, and fear, the C-word (Commitment) is even more terrifying.  Even fewer folks in this modern life want to be shackled by the C-word, and even more are wondering what that word actually means.  Does it mean being in a serious relationship?  Does it mean forsaking all others forever sexually and emotionally?  Does it mean promising to travel down life's paths with someone?  Because of the confusion engendered by both the L and C-words, I propose consideration of a more modest C-word: "Care."

To tell someone that you "Care" about them is a powerful statement.  It is also a very positive transitional point in a serious relationship.  If more people settled for "Care" instead of "Love," as the word they longed to hear, they could give their relationships the breathing room and space they need to grow and flourish.  They would soon discover whether "Caring" metamorphoses into "Love" and ultimately "Commitment."  So go ahead, make a bold statement.  Tell the person with whom you are having a relationship that you "Care" for them.  Say it tenderly, or boldly, or casually; but say it.

Neighborly Advice

60, 50, even 40 years ago, there was a coffee klatsch neighborhood group of middle-aged women who met casually two or three mornings or afternoons a week to gossip and socialize.  These women gave solicited and unsolicited to whomever showed up.  They did not hesitate to try to improve the lives of the neighbors, especially young people whom they knew.  Conversely, young people just beginning a relationship would also stop by to ask the "aunts" what they thought of the new boyfriend (whether he or she was marriage material), how to deal with the baby who would not nap or the teenager who was behaving defiantly, and whether to take that job which did not pay as much but would lead to future opportunities.  The "aunts" had no credentials for giving this advice but did provide a common-sense perspective to those who they believed to be floundering.

For so many of us, we have lost the "aunts" in the coffee klatsch.  We may have co-workers at the office who hesitate to say what they really think, or "best friends" who we meet at a bar who are often in similar predicaments and can add little diverse perspective, or we hire psychologist and life coaches who do not give concrete, tangible advice, but pepper the seeker with "what do you think?" and "why do you suppose you did that?" types of responses to serious questions.

Rather than receiving tangible advice like "are you out of your mind" or "that's a really bad idea which will probably result in an unanticipated outcome" or "I don't think you will like what that choice will bring you", the majority of individuals struggling with serious problems must settle for psycho babble couched as guidance and blunder through life without utilizing common sense as a guide.

Through this blog, I intend to give advice and opinions, solicited and unsolicited.  What are my "credentials?"  I am a 62-year old Italian American woman, a wife, sister, a mother, a neighbor, an aunt, an employer, a past employee, a mediator, an arbitrator, and a person who has tried to study the vagaries of modern life.  Most of all, I tell it like it is--and always will. This will not be Dear Abby. I promise to give my unadorned opinion on the issues confronting so many busy Americans.  I will also ask some other "aunties" to weigh in on the tough calls.

My family has observed me giving advice throughout the years.  They tell me that it is generally good advice, but often ignored by their friends and associates.  Sometimes it has been taken with life-changing results.  And sometimes it has been followed and the person's life has been just a little bit better.

I propose to send some of these opinions out into the world at large and see what turns up.   Welcome to my coffee klatsch!